My Greatest Blessings,

Komi Martian:
For being the longest BFF in the world. You weren’t always there-there 24/7 but during my most terrible of days, you were there. We can’t be more different from each other, remember we started out as total enemies? Haha, those were the good days and even our tastes in boys are exceptionally poles apart. No matter the difference, I still love you no less babe. From 2001 till date.

Rajan Chandra:
For being the good friend turned pen pal. I’ve known you as long as I’ve known Komi but considering that we are approximately 1500 miles away from each other, it’s amazing to know you still remember my birthday and still make the effort to fly back to this tiny island twice in the last two years. Soon enough, I’ll move my ass over to Bondi beach, promise.

HobiBelanja Maris Stella Djuli:
I’ve known you since 2005 and although you’ve made your journey back to Medan to start a family, not a day goes by without me thinking about our many many dates together. Whether it was to the movies, for a round of drinks, for another pair of C&K shoes or Mel bag, a chocolate buffet, hang out at each other’s cribs; basically the only things girlfriends do when they know and don’t judge each other beyond our superficial talk. When Grams passed away, you were with me through her passing even though you were having classes and also I was half of the person I am now, you never stopped being my shoulder to cry on. We’ve not met since your wedding in 2010 but hopefully, we’ll meet up soon enough and I’ll get to meet the other man in your life, Edmund

Edward Reaus Cullen / Hubby #1:
You were prolly the one who shaped me into the extrovert person I am now. You convinced me enough to dump my glasses for contact lenses and look where I am now? You’ve instilled enough confidence in me that you can be a life coach as your zest for life is immensely intoxicating. Your thoughts moved me in McDonald’s, your texts added the smiles to my life and our dates are always full of sentimental memories we both won’t give up the world for. You changed my 2010 days with Mac’s & even till date, I never regretted making that cup of hot milo for you (which resulted in you getting into an argument with your then lover who went on a jealous rage!) During my break-ups, you were there, pulling me together and ensuring I didn’t fall further apart. You gave me strength when I found out the ex was a douchebag and you were on my side when he appeared with a comeback. I love you lah, you are like my biggest supporter, thank you sweets.

Darling Sunshine Izwan Hubby bi BOO:
Who knew the one person I always, always confide in when it comes to good-looking customers walking in-store turns out to be the one man I am totally head over heels in love with? Only God knows what changed me to turn you from a mere acquaintance in the same company to the man I hope to build a future with. It’s amazing how two years ago, you were seen in a different light and two years on, I can’t quite imagine waking up one morning without you in it. Maybe because by God’s grace, he pushed you to want to be there for me when Daddy was hospitalised for a month. Maybe that one month changed alot about my perception of you. After all, you were there every single day. When Daddy wasn’t conscious, to when I was falling apart by his bedside, when I had to be Mummy’s strength; you were my backbone, holding my hand steering me forward and ensuring that I don’t fall on my already-wobbly feet. I can’t imagine what it would be without you there, after all, back then, you were just a friend to me. I guess that episode made me realised many things; that life is fragile, that when you see something this special, you don’t let them go. Thank you dear, for yesterday today and also for tomorrow. Four lifetimes remember?

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God, thank you for these blessings I would give up my life for.

KONY 2012: Becoming Famous

Cover The Night happens on April 20th, do something in the community and reach out to the policymakers of your country / state.

For the Daddy’s Girl

Our fathers may shape our lives very differently but I know we both are on the same page as to how our fathers shaped us into who we are now when the same fathers who were the formidable figures in our lives have changed in retrospect.

Hats off to you girl, we are in this together as I totally can relate to how you feel & Insha Allah, He will protect both our fathers from any more pain or danger.

Stage Four of a Withering Life

Sometimes I wonder why is that the bulk of my dreams when I lay down to sleep at night, they tend to veer in the category of nightmares. And my imagination spares me no mercy when it comes to giving me the most graphic of details when blood and gore is omnipresent in the nightmares. I’ve had such a tough childhood growing up deprived of a real father’s love, is all that coming to haunt me again now that Papa is in this condition?

I am not afraid of death, my own that is. But I fear when the death of others comes before me as it will ultimately leave an irreversible effect on me. It changes me and as much as I tell Papa to continue to hang on and fight, it pains me greatly when he says things like he’s tired of fighting, can’t bare to fight, finds it a burden to fight and so much more.

Bearing in mind that I’ve got to stay strong despite all his insecurities about his life. I would break down easily had he said those things but I don’t wish for him to see that side of me. I don’t want him to see me cry as for all I know, he may think that I am crying because of him. I’m not. He wishes things were perfect, I tried my best to tell him that as much as the challenges He has set aside for him differ from the past, I’m sure He has His reasons for them. I know God is kind, he’d definitely not want His people to suffer but isn’t that what life is all about?

Life is about pain, about suffering, about how despite the obstacles God sets on each and every one of us, He knows where our limits are & won’t push us beyond our breaking point. I know He has His reasons but how do I convince a father to not quit fighting when he has given up hope already?

Everyday, I wake up each morning thankful to see him still alive and breathing. I do what I can to read up on the effects of Valcade, Zumita and such and how we as a family can help make his life a little more bearable but how do we convince the carrier of a Stage 4 cancer that there’s the beauty in life when you know they are reaching their twilight? Boo has been an incredible backbone, so are my closest friends but I can’t imagine seeing a life of a loved one slip away before me. Why is there death? Why do we anticipate our own but fear for the ones we love the most?

I can have all the money in the world but that won’t bring back my loved ones once God take them away from me. But if God is really fair, why take all those who love me so much and make the ones I’ll give my life for, suffer. Let me be the carrier of the pain dear God, let me see the light beyond all the adversities. But don’t let me see yet another loved one slip away slowly like this. It hurts knowing that he’s like a ticking time bomb and that my dream of having him see me settle down in the XX number of years from now is only going to be a miracle.

I owe you my life Papa, please please please don’t give up on me. I know it’s hard, I can’t ever imagine the pain you are going through, not even a bit. But hanging on and seeing you smile means the world to me and I can’t imagine going through life not ever seeing that for as long as there is a life within me. I don’t have the money to find you a cure but I will try to make you as happy as how you’ve kept me happy throughout my life. I know you’ve had your fair share of pain, just for me, hang on a little while longer.

If I could tear you from the ceiling,
I know the best have tried,
I’d fill your every breath with meaning,
And find a place we both could hide.

Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind,
Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind.

If I could tear you from the ceiling,
I’d freeze us both in time,
Find a brand new way of seeing..
Your eyes forever glued to mine.

Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind,
Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind.

A Good Samaritan

It is a simple task; would you help change the tyre of a random stranger if you see him / her stranded on the street? The reactions differ greatly between a brunette guy, a blonde woman & a Muslim guy. Watch and get inspired:

Oh stereotypes, they are rampant yet should be eradicated.

Haram Remains Haram

How can you possibly make something haram turn into halal. Boy, it’s time you wake up now or else you will never ever wake up and by the time you realise it, you’ll be trying to change when you are at your grave.

The Daily Rant

I’m not looking for a cure for Daddy’s illness as I know there’s no known drugs which can completely cure multiple myeloma. However, any information is good information as it’ll bring me closer to understanding the condition and how to react to it. His illness has left me numb on most days that sometimes I wonder if all these things prove too hard to bear, will I actually end up crumbling and falling down on my feet? Everyday I pray, that it will never happen as I don’t wish for Daddy to see my tears. But at the end of every night before I go to sleep, I always say a silent prayer that I’ll get to see him up and running the next morning. Not literally, but oh you get what I mean yes?

His condition has increasingly evolved me into a different person. Like what I was telling Boo last night, ask me what’s my goal when I was 20, it would sound something like this,

“A career woman who strives to climb the corporate ladder with no room for love or much social life as she’s busy chasing her dreams and dollars so that she can retire comfortably at 30.”

As me now as I go from 23 going on 24 what’s my dream, it’ll sound something like this,

“I want a career yes, but let it be fulfilling enough that I am able to balance my family, my friends, my commitment to my career and still have enough time for myself to pursue the things that I want.”

In this mad-paced lifestyle of a Singaporean life, who on Earth can get a work-life balance if they plough through the hours endlessly at work, right? Well I’ve decided that as much as I love my highly paid job in the tourism and hospitality sector and the big bucks it brings me monthly, I’d rather take a job which requires I serve a shorter working hours and forge a closer bond to my family as no amount of money in the bank can compensate that lost time I missed with my family.

I guess like what the adage says, age does wisen you up and in my case, it sure has indefinitely. I’ve cleaned up my act, stayed away from alcohol and unnecessary late-nights just to wake up bright and early for breakfast with the parents. I’ve even mellowed to reducing my outings to only if it’s necessary to go out. And on top of that, I’m blessed with the sweetest love God has granted me as without his never-ending support, I would’ve fallen apart long, long ago and get myself checked into an asylum for the mental patients. Of course, the network of supportive friends I will give up anything for also made me feel so immensely thankful, sometimes I feel that I’ve not thanked Him enough for all these blessings.

I love you; each and every single one of you who’ve shaped me to who I am now, thank you for playing a part in shaping my life, my values and my soul in this world.

3rd Quarter

Mum has confirmed with me today that Insha Allah come September, she wants to go with Daddy to Langkawi! I guess my one-day of story-telling really left a definite mark in her travel shoes and also, she used brother’s upcoming October wedding as an excuse – apparently she wants to get a wedding gift from there.

I can’t be any happier. I know I’ll go to great lengths to make myself free for this trip with them and maybe after they’re safe back in SG after LGK, I’ll sneak out to BKK or PKT on the sly!

Insha Allah, kita merancang tapi Tuhan menentukan.

MunahHirziOfficial

These two pranksters have gotten me abso hooked with their 10 Dares which leave me in stitches on those boring nights on Youtube.

This particular video showcases Hirzi’s talent in being Leticiacia Fierce and yes, the hottest topic in Singapore at the moment which is about the domestic helpers being debated as to whether they deserve an off day or not.

Seriously people? They are humans too so makes no sense to not allow them to a rest day. If you are in their shoes, will you hope to be granted an off day after working madness taking  charge of household chores for the last six days? One day isn’t that hard right? The house won’t be run over by the moths and fleas and roaches if you don’t clean it up for a day seyy.

Being Together Thru Good Times & Bad

This video clip actually moved me to tears about how one person’s tragedy can be changed into a miracle when there’s a backbone for him to lean to when his own bones failed to support him.

Who says there’s no such thing as true love?

The Daily Battle

I understand you get tired from the battle but don’t give up just yet Daddy dear.

I know it’s tough, one illness after another, another round of medication for another ailment, another tiring walk to the hospital for your appointment, another drive to central to get your handsome haircut, another route under the sun, another activity with me dragging you around and all but Daddy, all that I want is for you to continue to smile & see the beauty of life.

Tonight, it broke my heart hearing you say you are tired of smiling or even talking, as your gums hurt at times and it even takes away the hearty appetite that you used to have.

I really wished there’s more for me to do for you.

Step Up Revolution

Hands down, my to-watch movie in the dance genre list.
Maris Stella Djuli, I wish you were here to watch it with me!

In The Name of Seriousness,

I understand there’s that clause in filling up of any application (especially job-related) that we are to fill up the details in complete honesty and with no room for mistakes or lies. So while I was filing up an application form for a private club, I actually added on an additional emergency contact detail and the person who is my 2nd next of kin (after mummy) was, Hubby.

And the relationship he has in relations to me, heh heh shall remain a secret between him & I but definitely he’s not listed as my husband – that’s veering off too far right?

And the funny thing I remember his full residential address and only got the postal codes wrong. Hmm, funny that I actually do remember as even all my previous lovers, I never got around to the level that I’ve christened him. Best part is, as much as it’s a whole different level putting him so high up there, I see there’s nothing to worry since I feel that it’s the right thing to do and yes, that’s my gut feeling talking.

Insha Allah, we may plan but ultimately He will plan what’s best for us and I’m sure our patience will bear its fruit someday.

Tears For A Father

Sometimes I don’t know but have this sad, sorrow feeling when I see Daddy coming into my room to tell me that there’s a certain part of his body that’s numb or maybe his tooth / gums ache for no apparent reason, or when he feels “restless” and “out of place” or maybe the sporadic fever that almost always sends shivers down my spine.

Actually the list can go on but the more I ponder about them, the more I find my eyes stinging and weighing heavily with tears that flow so darn easily, I think that I no longer have control of my tears especially when he is of the concern.

I know being riddled with many ailments is a part of his myeloma but sometimes there’s so much more that I wish I can do to aid him. Maybe shoulder the burden? Or perhaps, feel a portion of the pain for him? Or perhaps by some miracle, he gets better to how things were before myeloma struck him a few years back.

You know there’s always that feeling that if God can grant me just one wish, I want to be the sick and suffering one, not my parents as I’ll give up my life just for them.

But sometimes I do worry too if he wakes up one morning and decide he doesn’t want to eat another round of 10 medications for his oral chemotherapy or decide to quit fighting all together… What happens then? God, I know this is just a part of Your test for him but do protect him while You are at it. It hurts a lot seeing him like this on a day-to-day basis. Thank God Mum is there for him when I am not home.

Don’t ever give up Daddy, and for you Mummy, hang in there. I can’t exactly imagine a life without the both of you.

I’m sure somewhere out there, God has His Rewards waiting for you both and in the long-run, you both will be granted Paradise when this world comes to an end. My life-long wish stays, I want my parents to see me settle down with my chosen one, at the very least. Ideally, would be to see their first grand-child borne by my future husband and I – that’s the farthest distant future I’ve always dreamed of.

It’s only time that we are fighting for, God please let time be on our side.

My Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.“

Conversations From the Heart

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked,

“Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?”

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, “Because we lose our calm, we shout.”

“But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.” asked the saint.

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.

Finally the saint explained,

“When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small.”

The saint continued, “When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.”

He looked at his disciples and said,

So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Thank you Muzzy for sharing this insightful article.