The Double-Edged Sword

Sometimes in life, you have the luxury of choice to choose things which you know will have an indirect reaction to your future. I’ve already made mine, please don’t make me think a million times over whether I’ll make it better in there as I know my biggest fear lies in your words which may inadvertently be nothing but honeyed words.

Let me go Macs, let me be free even if it means taking a step back, going all jobless and having zero money being churned into my account. I’ll do just about anything to give up everything if it contributes to my unhappiness. When February comes, I’ll jet off and hopefully I’ll be able to find myself again by March and start afresh somewhere better.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Read Between the Lines

Today, some of my crew actually got wind of the fact that I can do palm-reading. That isn’t to say that I am well-versed in the matter but basically, I am able to distinguish the basic life / love / health lines on a person’s palm and it’s enough for me to get by. So far, all the palms I’ve read are correct and precise so they crew are starting to believe that I am a gifted palmist by night – seriously, I am not kidding you. However, one of the Chinese national who knows a fair bit of the skills actually pulled out my hand to read mine.

Among other things in my life, I detest having my own future being told through the mouth of others. Partly because I am already very acquainted with my own future and I prefer not to have another person regurgitating the same things I already know, back to me.

But she did it anyway and the same truth came across her lips as what I’ve expected.

She said that I will settle down late in my life.

Well, truthfully, I already am resigned to that fact since I was 16? As much as I wished in my deepest of hearts to settle down with the Chosen One early in my life so that I can expand my brood of future generations early and retire early, I know that route isn’t pre-destined by God for me as I already have the premonition to it many times over.

But yes, I’ll be lying if I say I wasn’t affected by her readings. It’s not that it’s the first time I am hearing such things but I don’t know how to explain this feeling. Perhaps I am yearning to have my own happily-ever-after that being told by another person about my future married life to only be realised later on in my life is somewhat… Depressing? Sad? Tragic? Basically, I don’t have a exact word that can embody the feeling I am feeling but granted a choice, I wish I don’t feel this way. Maybe it is my biological / married life / parental clock ticking a time bomb and that explains the feeling but whatever it is, I hope the feeling will go away when I lay my head to rest tonight.

Playing With Fire

‘Cos I need to stop dabbling my fingers in the fire unless I yearn to get burned again.

But how does one do exactly that when the temptation is all too great to handle?

Today, it was a round yellow knotted ring which stopped me from doing something impulsive.

How about tomorrow?

Will the novelty of it wears of and if it does, what’s there to keep me from veering over the fence?

Radical Thoughts of a Happy Mind

1. You know it’s insanely crazy when you go to work one day and left your ring behind and you’ve got this sinking feeling that you somewhat left your heart behind the door.
2. You know it’s funny when you see a cute customer flirting with you over the counter at Drive-Thru and you only muster your sweetest smile to him but know firmly where your loyalty lies with at the end of the night.
3. You know it’s weird when you can’t recall what it was like when you went out with him as pure platonic friends even before you both decided to start dating.
4. You know it’s madness when the Medical Social Worker at the hospital thinks he’s your husband and thereafter, almost everything we converse to each other about is just termed with a Hubby & a Wifey; whether it’s a text message, a phone call, a spoken word or even an endearing gesture.
5. You know you are ludicrous when the aunty at a coffee shop commented about the dear paying for my meal and calling him a boyfriend and how you both aren’t quite as used to the term as compared to addressing him as the hubby.
6. You know you are out of your mind when after a chanced encounter before you parted ways for the night, you envision the same encounter Bella Swan had the morning after her wedding night. Yes, that finger running across your neck as you recalled that’s where he planted a soft kiss, the brush of his arm as he pulled you close & so forth.
7. You know you are beyond sane when despite being polar opposites in everything, when you both dine out, you both always end up taking the same food items and drinks. Always, all the time.
8. You know that it’s wicked when you both knows when the other party is doing too well. It’s like a feeling deep inside our hearts, we are somewhat in-tuned to each other’s feelings that when one of us is having a terrible day at work, the other party knows even without asking. Our hearts feels things our minds don’t and can’t.
9. You know it’s virtually mind-boggling when you drive the car and get tired, you have the option to switch over to the passenger as the hubby is a driver too. It’s even crazier when you actually have the deja vu feeling over and over each time that happens.
10. You know you are on the brink of a crazed state of mind when you find yourself being reminded of him constantly even when you don’t put up his face as your wallpaper and so forth. You keep craving for his scent, your miss his morning bedroom voice, you yearn to gaze upon those precious brown eyes and charming smile which sets your heart ablaze.

Sometimes I think love is capable of making you think, do, imagine, feel crazy things & I am a true testament to that;

Not that I’m complaining.

She Doesn’t Mind

I was driving on my (now frequent) driving escapades with Sunshine when I came across this particular Sean Paul number. I loved the beat and lyrics when I heard it for the first time on 91.3FM and the beat just got stuck with me throughout the entire day and a few days after that. However, I have to say I would’ve prefered if the video wasn’t made depicting a woman groping another woman as it somewhat gives me the assumption that the woman security officer is a bisexual or even a lesbian as she was prancing around and groping, undressing the lady passengers. It gets even more weird when you actually watch the behind-the-scenes. But anyway, the video could’ve been better but I’m not complaining much, I’ll just listen to the song and not watch the video as it leaves a sour note down my throat.

Goodbye Bear, Hello Sunshine

I was browsing through the web and I came across a rather bemusing quote which I ought to share in my WP:

 I noticed that as much as I am very happy where I am now, I keep finding myself wanting to check the ex’s FB to see who is the girl after me to the point that I’ve reached a stalker stage that I had to stop myself short.

I mean, it wouldn’t be fair to Sunshine to hear me whining about my findings right? I’ve decided to leave all the whining to Hubby whose seen the ex with me through our good and bad times so I inadvertently cut all my connections to the ex in What’sApp, FourSquare and in the future, Facebook.

I’m not checking up on him as I am thinking of going back to him. I am just fascinated that therein lies a man who actually says no to me after a year of supposedly loving me. I’m just amazed by how fickle sometimes love can be.

Like the saying, one man’s meat is another man’s poison.

I’m not gunned down by the fact that he’s seeing someone new; neither am I comparing with the current sunny state of my love. Given a choice, I wished I met Sunshine way before my numerous heartbreaks as at least that’ll mean that I spent more of my time smiling and being in blissful state like now as compared to spending it wallowing in sorrow or anger.

So yes, the ex was the first man to dump me.

Wow, congratulations to that Mister for having the guts but really, you could’ve honestly done in in a better fashion rather than walking away and feigning contact with me as I smell cowardice in you somehow.  But whatever it is, I still wish you well and when I look back at the quote in this post, I can’t help but agree. He is an old item, I should just cast him far, far away and let someone less perfect than me take ownership of him.

After all, he is just a bunch of crap not worthy of my time nor love.

The next one is for you, boy. You left, your loss. I’m going to make it Sunshine’s gain.

I’m happy to announce that from this moment on, I shan’t post anything more with regards to my past. I am getting bored of brooding over a bear who doesn’t deserve me.

Look out for sappy, mushy, sticky, lovey-dovey posts about Sunshine which is all over my FourSquare & What’sApp. He’s all about positivity, baby!

Heh

Monday Blues, Anybody?

Every Breath, One Step Closer

Hubby says he admires my strength and gut to bounce back up in my love life after the tragic episode about a month back. He says I’ve got strength that belies my sensitive and somewhat temperamental nature and granted he was in my shoes, he won’t have half the guts that I have to want to open up my heart all over again to another man.

But honey, truth is, I am not all that strong as you may think I am.

I may not cry in front of a crowd, instead, I cry in the comforts of my humble abode whereby my cries of anguish are muffled by the songs on my stereo.

I may say everything is okaye in front of you but each time you leave me to continue with your own life, I feel everything isn’t quite okaye with mine when my backbone and support aren’t there.

I may say I am going to be good walking away but sometimes I don’t quite believe what I say to people about moving on and the words of nonchalant positivity that I interject my every negative thought.

But then again when one goes through heartbreaks, most people actually want to relive the same bittersweet crap all over again. Not because we are sadistic souls and want to punish our already-torn hearts with even greater risks of bigger heartbreaks. Simply, we as humans have a natural affinity to feelings and even if one person has completely wipe out their love for you, it doesn’t mean that we have to completely wipe out our capabilities to love another deserving man, right? Hence hubby dear, it wasn’t that I bounced off the last love chapter to make it better with Sunshine.

No.

And definitely it isn’t a rebound either.

Sure, people may say I fall in love equally as fast as I fall out of love but why should I harp over the past, reminiscing about the old times when I know I have something worthy of for the future? Sometimes, it may be my ego talking but you know, a little bit of ego never hurt anyone; not especially me.

What I have now is profoundly different from my past relationships that most times, I am enjoying the minute details of the love with extreme caution as I fear losing out on this love and losing him entirely. Truthfully, I’ve never felt or even experienced this kind of love before. I want to think about the future but thinking about forever wrecks my mindset for today. With Sunshine, I’ve banished that eagerness to plan ahead for the distant future. Instead, I want to plan the love on a day-to-day basis with each passing month and year being the milestone that is worth every penny in my pocket. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so greatly that no time nor space nor virtually anything can separate us.

Why am I so adamant on loving this one man despite knowing how unstable the future may be?

When the heart knows if he’s the One, there’s this element of sheer peace you feel in the deepest of your heart that like most people who married their soul mates say;

“You’ll just know he’s the one.”

‘Cos when the sheer peace shrouds your heart, your mind, your body and soul, you’ll feel this overwhelming feeling of happiness that comes in abundance and you know, it is here to stay.

He Bears Witness To Everything

“One day someone’s gonna walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

*

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, contemplating about the what ifs in life. Other times, I rubbish my negative thoughts with positivity on why things didn’t turn up the way I want them to. Nowadays, I contemplate about what life would be like if I were to take one step back earlier and consider falling for someone who gave the world to me approximately a year back. Sometimes I regret being as self-absorbed as how I am now, considering that I have a man walked out on me because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I am a self-centred being who cares about nobody but herself.

But there are times I am thankful he walked out on me as if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be in a healthy relationship now that makes me believe that there still are people who still are willing to go through thick and thin with me and see me in my nonsensical self and also, at my greatest, worst.

If he hadn’t walked out, I wouldn’t be able to see how many of my friends are actually there for me through my darkest hours, who willingly sacrificed their sleep time just to hear me whine about another tragic chapter in a old flame that I was trying to get over.

Losing a love was ultimately a great price to pay but considering the advantages and happiness I feel now, I should consider myself lucky since as much as I was the dumped party (partly I feel that way since he hadn’t contacted me ever since), I walked out of the relationship with my pride still intact and held up high.

What I am going through with Sunshine now is very much in its infancy. As much as Hubby is psycho-ing me to move beyond what I have now with Sunshine a step further, I choose to stand my ground and only go ahead when Sunshine and I are ready. I want to know what it’s like to love someone without getting entangled in the physical aspect as I want this to last.

More than anything and everything I’ve gone through previously, I want to make this my greatest love story of all. I know the future is somewhat vague considering the settling down part will take slightly more than 5 years but if he’s worth it and vice versa, I’m sure the wait will be worth it.

Dear God,
Grant me the patience to last through the next five years or so waiting for the man of my dreams.
Grant me the will to stay strong throughout the numerous obstacles you have in-store for us.
For if I were to want to submit my entire heart, soul and being to only one man,
I wish and hopefully desire, it would be him.

♥

Friends

Fight for you;

Respect you;

Involve you;

Encourage you;

Need you;

Deserve you;

& will ultimately,

Save you.

In Your Head

As expected, I am going to feature Mohombi’s new latest single, In Your Head. It is his version of The Cranberries’s Zombie but I can say it’s even more catchy and the lyrics are varied in the darker sense as compared to the original.

Star Light, Star Bright;

Sometimes when I go to the old places I used to go with my old flames with my new ones, I can’t help but wonder if my past flames actually have the same sentimental feeling that I have each time I go to those places. Hubby taught me to replace those old memories with the new ones so that when I think of those places, I will be filled with happy thoughts and not be all miserable. But there’s always this part of me which always wonders, does he think that way? Does he replace me with someone new and create new memories of places I used to go with?

Relationships come and go, so do lovers and friends but what if the person writing this is still grappling with the loss of a dear friend? Did I not mean anything to you that you walked away without the courage to say goodbye? That isn’t to say I’ve not moved on from my past. I have and am in a very happy place now with Sunshine but really, it puzzles me to a great extent knowing that people can change their feelings within a split second. Maybe it’s just in my nature to hold everyone dear with the highest level of respect and love but sadly other people aren’t quite the same as me. How do people disown and destroy friendships or relationships like that? Or has been only me who puts my entire heart and soul on the line when I’m going through a connection with someone new?

Sure I have closed the chapter and have vowed that he will suffer a miserable life for walking out like that but honestly, I’ve gone beyond that denial stage and if we were to ever cross paths in the future, I’ll only smile and say Hi and wish him all the best in his life and future.

And I will definitely mean every single word as when he walked away, God granted me the serenity to face that horrible chapter of my life with a greater amount of strength and a circle of friends and loved ones who stood by me through it all. And I will give up my life just for those people who were there for me, day in and out.

The Pain of Facing the Eleven

• • 1. Bringing back the feeling you’ve learned to forget.
    2. Reminising the good times.
    3. Trying to hide what you really feel.
    4. Loving someone who loves another.
    5. Having commitment with someone you know would not last.
    6. Shielding your heart to love somebody.
    7. Loving a person too much.
    8. Right love at the wrong time.
    9. Taking risk to fall in love again.
    10. Accepting that it was never meant to be.
    11. ”What ifs”

Sick of Being Sick

Three months in the new store and today marks day #9 I am on MC for a strange allergic reaction. I went from 1 year 8 months in PRC without a single MC to this. Is it just me or is the place really not good for me? I’m tired of being sick, I need to leave this place or else I’ll just drop horribly dead fighting some unknown medical issues, one after another.