The year 2010 marks the 2nd year I am a relatively single woman since my last break-up from my long-term ex-boyfriend of three years. Fast forward tomorrow; which is the universal day that every bloody couple turn all smoochy and romantic, I decided to ponder on my current life being single and basically, reflecting on how this period of time has changed me.
You know sometimes being single isn’t really as bad as the majority of the population perceives it to be. Sure, you will have those days you wish you can go home to a man to talk to and lull you to sleep but sometimes, don’t you have those days when you just want to go back to an empty home and spend the entire night in complete silence without the need to tell anyone why you are acting that way? It’s empowering to be able to go home and have my “on” and “off” days, to go home happy / sad and deal with everything on my own without the need to depend on another person to help me rise on my feet again. Singlehood has proved to be one of my most fulfilling life experiences thus far as it has taught me independence at an even deeper level. Apart from being financially independent, I am emotionally and entirely independent; I don’t need another person around to make me feel better when I am down.
Perhaps I have built up a safe bubble for my me, myself & I world but at the same time, I feel that this level of independence is what I lacked when I was in a committed relationship. Sometimes I do worry about being too attached to another person as I have no intention of leading anyone on but I always tend to do that to other people all the time. Especially when I am too attached to the opposite gender. I don’t see anything wrong with having a male best friend etc but I guess society has conformed the average person’s mindset that woman + man cannot sustain a purely platonic friendship. There has to be something brewing between them.
To date, I have yet to find a guy who is completely at ease being my best friend and he responds in the same manner as I do. The ones I befriend tend to end up harboring romantic feelings for me and sadly, it’s those exact feelings that I don’t have to give out. Yes, I should be lucky I have hopelessly devoted and wonderful men throwing themselves at me with the hope that they will wait for me till my heart softens to love but truth is, I don’t want that. I don’t want to make others wait for me. I think it’s a very selfish thing to get another person to be tied down to a use-by date.
I relish my freedom and independence to be who I am without the need to conform to a significant other’s mindset / expectations. I am brutally honest about it yet why do I always see myself going back into the same trap of having another person safekeeping romantic feelings for me for the long run? They say if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, he / she is The One for you but if they don’t, it’s just not meant to be. I have gone through loving a person by caging and suppressing and also, loving by setting the other person free but what if the bird I set free refuses to leave the cage? Is it my fault for luring the bird to my cage or is it his fault for not wanting to try opening up his wings to fly?
The world is such a vast space of land, how will you know that he is The One for you? Does The One even exist? What if he is dead like since the Victorian Ages? What if he isn’t even born yet? Love is such a complicated thing and eats up alot of my time, that’s why since January 3rd, I have decided to be married…
… to my job.
At least I know the ups and downs in my working life is directly my own responsibility and not shared with another person. The feeling of taking complete ownership of my own life, now that’s priceless.