Sometimes when I have the luxury of time to walk home late into the night alone, I find myself collecting plenty of thoughts that reflects a lot about my past. Coming from a not-so-blissful childhood, I have had my fair share of demon days whereby I feel as though I am the only Devil on Earth. Trust me, when I do look back to those “hey days” I shudder to think what would have become of me should I continue to go wayward and never seek help to find my way back to the right path. Right in the sense of religion-wise and also, everything else.
Looking back, I feel that I am more susceptible to going bonkers with my emotions as I was an impulsive person who reacts to everything and uses her emotions as a judgment point. That was until I wised up and cleaned up my dirty act. When I think back now, I can easily tell you I will definitely chicken out if you dare me to do half of the things I used to do when I was on a rebellion streak. Lucky for me, I changed before I was cornered and caught off-guard by the ones dearest to me. In fact, I doubt any of my loved ones know what were the crazy things I did when I was 17. Not even close.
If you ask me, I have no idea as to what made me turn 360 degrees and change for the better. I wish I could credit it to a man who made me a better person but then again, I’ve always been the saviour of the men I know and are already in dire need to be saved. Funny how back then, I tend to mix alot with those bad boys or boys with problems (eg. a broken family, a drug-riddled past etc). I used to think it would be a saintly thing to do if I can change a person for the better and make him forgo his bad habits. I guess after a while you will learn that most times we are wrong to think that we can change people for the better.
Every heard of the phrase, old habits die hard ?
Yeah. You’ll prolly end up spending 50% of your fighting the other party’s demons that in one way or another, you will end up losing yourself.
Trust me, I’ve been down that road thinking that being there to save and to hold a troubled boyfriend would be the catalyst to change him for the better. It took me three whole years to pull myself out of the trauma of dealing with a man with lots of emotional / physical / psychological baggage that by the end of it all, I can’t figure out why I stayed by him for so darn long when I know the love died years before the end. Was he my first love, prolly ? But I don’t recall doing the things I did out of love. I guess it was more of a habit ? That’s sad to know considering that he was the boy who stole my first kiss yet I can’t affirm the fact that he was my first kisser and first love. Maybe I did loved him then but now if you asked me, I think it was sheer naivety over at my end and I don’t blame anyone but myself.
So here I am, single and very much available yet my heart isn’t willing to open up to anyone just as yet. To some it may be a sad-case scenario but to me, I think it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself. I never anticipated living and being superbly happy alone and not being in a committed relationship; I always thought I am the kind who can’t live without holding a man’s hand. But I guess time proved me otherwise as almost 2.5 years after the break-up, I am still single and very much happy. Yes, the only married status I have on my forehead is that I am married to my job and nothing else. It’s been almost half a year (since January 1st) and I am still very happy working at McDonald’s and I suppose that is the only love I need now. I know if I wait for The One to come, he never will. So I will strive to find that elusive man who will take my breath away, love me till death do us part and have our love story be the love story of the generation.