White Elephants

He mentioned dear in a sea of elephants. I suppose he assumes I didn’t hear it but I did. I would do anything to see something blossom between us but I know in my deepest of hearts, it will be an impulsive move on both ends. Every day I take one step away from the thought that a relationship can blossom between us. Why do I say that ? It would make things between us complicated. I’d rather we continue what we have now and just enjoy each other’s company till we get sick of it. Not that I am complaining since he is one of the very few men I know who can hold a proper conversation with me; you know the kind I like, the intellectual kind. Well, he already knows I adore him and apparently my subtle body language is non-discreet enough for the work people to sniff out. But I didn’t make any moves after that as I figure it would ruin the friendship we’ve been building of late. That’s the last thing I want, in fact I hope we both will never have to go through in our lifetimes.

He said that now it is fun knowing that we can meet up for casual chats about life but he turned sombre when he said,

“Hmm.. Confirm susah nak jumpa when you have a boyfriend.”

He surprised me there as I am not seeing anyone but his gut feeling says otherwise. Why do people always assume like that ? In fact I see it as a curse knowing other people are hoping I settle down with someone in the near future. I used to entertain those kind of thoughts but after a long while, it just got to me. It sucked the entire sanity I have and I ended up living for the future but totally forgetting about my present. You know the hopeful feeling you will meet The One tomorrow, or the day after or the week after or the month after that it ends up turning you upside down and inside out; just because someone says,

“You will have a boyfriend soon, I can sense it.”

*

Lord, if you can sense it then you are God already lah kan.

What is so wrong with being single ? I used to be the kind who enjoys being in a committed relationship and never imagined living a single life, happy. But till this date, I dare say that my single life going out with different people and meeting new and unique people everyday at work is like the greatest gift He has bestowed on me after I called it quits on my last relationship. It’s like finally after living twenty-two years on Earth, I finally can call more than 10 people as actual friends. Not just a friend I added on Facebook or Friendster. I think a bigger future with a question mark on who I end up settling down in the future seems more of a worthwhile wait for me.

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