Down the Gutter

Sometimes you make a decision and then a few days later you ponder whether you’ve made an ill-informed decision. You mull over it for days, consulting in all your closest friends to ask whether you’ve done the right thing or not. The decisive ones stood their ground while the sympathetic ones offer to give you alternative reasons to stick to your decision and the consequences if you don’t. You even lose sleep about the decision, wondering if choosing what you chose would be a big mistake.

What do you call that?

Today I find out, what holds you back from sticking to your guns in some of our lives’ decision is actually the devil called, doubt.

If ever, I am at this same page whereby I mull over a decision for long, I won’t make the mistake of taking as long as I did now.

‘Cos I realized tonight that in life, one should never leave room for doubt as it’ll only leave you with more room to cloud your first judgment which (whether you hate it or not) is always never wrong. Life as we know it, isn’t rosy. Nobody mentioned it was. But nobody ever mentioned that when we are presented with an option to choose between the best of two options, always go by your gut feeling. As much as you loathe the process of choosing something less easy but feels more right, you’ll never go wrong.

As at the end of the day, nobody knows you more than yourself than God;
and he lies within that “gut feeling” of ours if we reach a point of no absolution.

Thank you God, tonight you’ve proven to me that I’ve made no mistake in following my gut feeling. I found out the complete truth and as much as it may hurt me for awhile now, I know the hurt isn’t comparable to if I defy my gut feeling and change my mind.

He may deny that there wasn’t any woman in his life to have him walk out on me like that but no matter how hard he tries, ultimately, God will show you that your words are just a bunch of bull. You are a coward, refusing to admit there was another woman in your life, instead choosing to leave me hanging. Like what TH mentioned, you were “keeping your options opened” but little did I know, your options actually resulted in me finding out your biggest flaw ever; that you may be big and tower over me in height but you have no balls to match with my honesty ‘cos you prefer to seek shelter in a sheet of translucent lie instead of dealing me with the brutal truth. I may cry buckets wondering what went wrong in our relationship but I now, don’t wonder anymore.

‘Cos as much as I am the most difficult person on earth to love, I never did misplaced the trust you had in me. Plus, even though I am a woman, I dare say I am a better equal to you as at least I am willing to pour my entire heart out knowing at the end of the day, you may trample over them with your big feet. I was honest from day one until the end, unlike you. I’m not bitter anymore, some things in life need not be reasoned or answered on the spot. The answers just reveal themselves little by little each passing day. All you have to do is to, wait. I may have wasted a few tears and sleepless night and time crying over what was lost but I’m crying no more.

‘Cos I’ve found the closure that I need and I need not seek revenge to blast back at you.
I know He will do that for me, I trust Him completely and thank Him eternally for gifting me with the mind, body and soul of the person I am now.

Thank You O Lord,
You indeed never failed to be my Saviour.

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