Hubby says he admires my strength and gut to bounce back up in my love life after the tragic episode about a month back. He says I’ve got strength that belies my sensitive and somewhat temperamental nature and granted he was in my shoes, he won’t have half the guts that I have to want to open up my heart all over again to another man.
But honey, truth is, I am not all that strong as you may think I am.
I may not cry in front of a crowd, instead, I cry in the comforts of my humble abode whereby my cries of anguish are muffled by the songs on my stereo.
I may say everything is okaye in front of you but each time you leave me to continue with your own life, I feel everything isn’t quite okaye with mine when my backbone and support aren’t there.
I may say I am going to be good walking away but sometimes I don’t quite believe what I say to people about moving on and the words of nonchalant positivity that I interject my every negative thought.
But then again when one goes through heartbreaks, most people actually want to relive the same bittersweet crap all over again. Not because we are sadistic souls and want to punish our already-torn hearts with even greater risks of bigger heartbreaks. Simply, we as humans have a natural affinity to feelings and even if one person has completely wipe out their love for you, it doesn’t mean that we have to completely wipe out our capabilities to love another deserving man, right? Hence hubby dear, it wasn’t that I bounced off the last love chapter to make it better with Sunshine.
And definitely it isn’t a rebound either.
Sure, people may say I fall in love equally as fast as I fall out of love but why should I harp over the past, reminiscing about the old times when I know I have something worthy of for the future? Sometimes, it may be my ego talking but you know, a little bit of ego never hurt anyone; not especially me.
What I have now is profoundly different from my past relationships that most times, I am enjoying the minute details of the love with extreme caution as I fear losing out on this love and losing him entirely. Truthfully, I’ve never felt or even experienced this kind of love before. I want to think about the future but thinking about forever wrecks my mindset for today. With Sunshine, I’ve banished that eagerness to plan ahead for the distant future. Instead, I want to plan the love on a day-to-day basis with each passing month and year being the milestone that is worth every penny in my pocket. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so greatly that no time nor space nor virtually anything can separate us.
Why am I so adamant on loving this one man despite knowing how unstable the future may be?
When the heart knows if he’s the One, there’s this element of sheer peace you feel in the deepest of your heart that like most people who married their soul mates say;
“You’ll just know he’s the one.”
‘Cos when the sheer peace shrouds your heart, your mind, your body and soul, you’ll feel this overwhelming feeling of happiness that comes in abundance and you know, it is here to stay.