Sometimes we have wishes that we so badly want to come true.
For me, that wish happened to be one that involves having a night over at the hospital with Daddy Dearest. The brothers & I took turns to remain vigil by his side but little did anyone know how badly I couldn’t wait to stay by his side on that fateful Tuesday night – Wednesday morning.
Little did anybody know I would eventually be the last person to see him alive on 12th July.
And also, the last person to see him before he met His Creator who took all the pain of the cancer away on 17th July at 1136 hours on a sunny Wednesday morning.
I was so excited that I couldn’t nap in the day. I ended up writing the previous post throughout the whole afternoon which was meant to be spent sleeping. I was jumpy, nervous, sweaty-palmed and so much more. I was pensive that I couldn’t fulfill my wish of taking care of him that night. I had many things planned. I was telling love that I will be lugging two of my vintage photo albums; I told him, maybe that would keep daddy happy or maybe that would make daddy want to wake up all over again. I told love that after the photos were done sharing, I would spend the remaining hours of the early morning reading Surah Yassin for daddy.
Love merely nodded, maybe he didn’t want to dampen my high spirits. Maybe, love already knew too but didn’t have the heart to tell me. After all, he is a medic. I am very sure death in the medical line is something close to second nature for him to face. He prolly saw all the obvious tell-tale signs that I obliviously didn’t. However, love was kind enough to accompany me while I stayed up all night for daddy despite having a hectic day in camp in the earlier few days.
For that, I am always eternally grateful dear. He may not be the most romantic of lovers / boyfriends / husbands but he is one heck of a rock to me. His presence is always reassuring that even during the grimmest of days, with love around, somehow I know I will pull through.
I spent the night not sleeping at all. Daddy’s favorite Ward 72 nurse, Fadhil was doing his 2nd Night shift and came in to turn daddy hourly. Given daddy’s comatose state, it was rather painful to see people trying to talk to daddy and having him not being able to respond. I honestly wished he could respond.
To hear, to lift a finger, to open his eyes, to smile, to talk, to sit, to hum a tune, to complain, to eat, to drink & to do anything us healthy humans take for granted.
There’s so much that I would do just to see that for another second.
The night was silent sans my voice so bright and chirpy in the air, love was stealing forty winks as he was tired and also, wanted to give me the privacy to talk to daddy and I am glad I made full use of the 13 odd hours I had alone with daddy.
As I write this post, I come to the conclusion that the last few days have been a blur and to piece them down here would take me a lot of courage, tears and nostalgia. I am not sure if I can carry on for now but I do know,
If I could get another chance,
another dance with him,
one final glance,
one final step with him,
I would play a song that would never ever end,
so that I can dance with my father again.