“You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over”
Somebody that I Used to Know
Gotye featuring Kimbra
Dedication to the bouncit douchebag.
To think that it was you who dumped me, it’s funny that you are the same person whose going to all the ends of the earth to keep in touch with me. Funny much. The same asshole who cheated over a lady like me over your own colleague who doesn’t quite hold a candle next to me, it’s about time you see for yourself what you’ve come to lost when you bid me adieu in such an unfashionable way.
Karma is a bitch, I swear it won’t let you off that easily.
I noticed that as much as I am very happy where I am now, I keep finding myself wanting to check the ex’s FB to see who is the girl after me to the point that I’ve reached a stalker stage that I had to stop myself short.
I mean, it wouldn’t be fair to Sunshine to hear me whining about my findings right? I’ve decided to leave all the whining to Hubby whose seen the ex with me through our good and bad times so I inadvertently cut all my connections to the ex in What’sApp, FourSquare and in the future, Facebook.
I’m not checking up on him as I am thinking of going back to him. I am just fascinated that therein lies a man who actually says no to me after a year of supposedly loving me. I’m just amazed by how fickle sometimes love can be.
Like the saying, one man’s meat is another man’s poison.
I’m not gunned down by the fact that he’s seeing someone new; neither am I comparing with the current sunny state of my love. Given a choice, I wished I met Sunshine way before my numerous heartbreaks as at least that’ll mean that I spent more of my time smiling and being in blissful state like now as compared to spending it wallowing in sorrow or anger.
So yes, the ex was the first man to dump me.
Wow, congratulations to that Mister for having the guts but really, you could’ve honestly done in in a better fashion rather than walking away and feigning contact with me as I smell cowardice in you somehow. But whatever it is, I still wish you well and when I look back at the quote in this post, I can’t help but agree. He is an old item, I should just cast him far, far away and let someone less perfect than me take ownership of him.
After all, he is just a bunch of crap not worthy of my time nor love.
I’m happy to announce that from this moment on, I shan’t post anything more with regards to my past. I am getting bored of brooding over a bear who doesn’t deserve me.
Look out for sappy, mushy, sticky, lovey-dovey posts about Sunshine which is all over my FourSquare & What’sApp. He’s all about positivity, baby!
“One day someone’s gonna walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”
Sometimes I wake up in the morning, contemplating about the what ifs in life. Other times, I rubbish my negative thoughts with positivity on why things didn’t turn up the way I want them to. Nowadays, I contemplate about what life would be like if I were to take one step back earlier and consider falling for someone who gave the world to me approximately a year back. Sometimes I regret being as self-absorbed as how I am now, considering that I have a man walked out on me because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I am a self-centred being who cares about nobody but herself.
But there are times I am thankful he walked out on me as if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be in a healthy relationship now that makes me believe that there still are people who still are willing to go through thick and thin with me and see me in my nonsensical self and also, at my greatest, worst.
If he hadn’t walked out, I wouldn’t be able to see how many of my friends are actually there for me through my darkest hours, who willingly sacrificed their sleep time just to hear me whine about another tragic chapter in a old flame that I was trying to get over.
Losing a love was ultimately a great price to pay but considering the advantages and happiness I feel now, I should consider myself lucky since as much as I was the dumped party (partly I feel that way since he hadn’t contacted me ever since), I walked out of the relationship with my pride still intact and held up high.
What I am going through with Sunshine now is very much in its infancy. As much as Hubby is psycho-ing me to move beyond what I have now with Sunshine a step further, I choose to stand my ground and only go ahead when Sunshine and I are ready. I want to know what it’s like to love someone without getting entangled in the physical aspect as I want this to last.
More than anything and everything I’ve gone through previously, I want to make this my greatest love story of all. I know the future is somewhat vague considering the settling down part will take slightly more than 5 years but if he’s worth it and vice versa, I’m sure the wait will be worth it.
Grant me the patience to last through the next five years or so waiting for the man of my dreams.
Grant me the will to stay strong throughout the numerous obstacles you have in-store for us.
For if I were to want to submit my entire heart, soul and being to only one man,
I wish and hopefully desire, it would be him.
Sometimes when I go to the old places I used to go with my old flames with my new ones, I can’t help but wonder if my past flames actually have the same sentimental feeling that I have each time I go to those places. Hubby taught me to replace those old memories with the new ones so that when I think of those places, I will be filled with happy thoughts and not be all miserable. But there’s always this part of me which always wonders, does he think that way? Does he replace me with someone new and create new memories of places I used to go with?
Relationships come and go, so do lovers and friends but what if the person writing this is still grappling with the loss of a dear friend? Did I not mean anything to you that you walked away without the courage to say goodbye? That isn’t to say I’ve not moved on from my past. I have and am in a very happy place now with Sunshine but really, it puzzles me to a great extent knowing that people can change their feelings within a split second. Maybe it’s just in my nature to hold everyone dear with the highest level of respect and love but sadly other people aren’t quite the same as me. How do people disown and destroy friendships or relationships like that? Or has been only me who puts my entire heart and soul on the line when I’m going through a connection with someone new?
Sure I have closed the chapter and have vowed that he will suffer a miserable life for walking out like that but honestly, I’ve gone beyond that denial stage and if we were to ever cross paths in the future, I’ll only smile and say Hi and wish him all the best in his life and future.
And I will definitely mean every single word as when he walked away, God granted me the serenity to face that horrible chapter of my life with a greater amount of strength and a circle of friends and loved ones who stood by me through it all. And I will give up my life just for those people who were there for me, day in and out.
‘Cos until this very moment, I still feel immensely shortchanged.
By a great big deal.
I totally didn’t deserved to be treated this way. They say, move on but how does one move on knowing the one she loved actually was capable of such great heartbreaks? I’ve always thought love was never my cup of tea but the romantic in me just always end up convincing me otherwise.
I deserve a happy ending, why must I feel heartaches time and time again. Why trample over my feelings and tell me you prefer taking care of your mother now that we’re nothing in your eyes anymore?
When the actual fact is some other girl actually took your heart away.
In a matter of less than 60 days.
What kind of love is that when you actually contradict your own statement? Or am I just plain naive time and time again?
I rest my case when your reasoning was your mother. Nobody argues when the guy actually puts you against his mother. You mentioned you want to take care of her now that your father strayed and since our relationship fizzled out? Fine, you’ve mentioned your reasons and I accepted it; with no grudges whatsoever.
But you lied.
There’s no mother you want to take care of. There’s just another girl whom you’ve fancied the last 40 odd days you are at your new workplace.
If I confront, you’ll prolly think I am mad jealous and that finally, this girl here actually knows what jealousy is all about and has some glimpse of human feelings.
But my confrontation is nothing as petty as that.
I want to confront the man who had zero balls to tell it to my face (not even over a phone-call) that he’s not interested to pursue me anymore because he is seeing someone else on the sly.
And the best part, he’s being a coward since it was him who blocked me off his what’s app. Ridiculous or what? I know you aren’t prepared to debate with me as your reasons are just a bunch of crap while the truth I speak is enough to make you lose your ground against me.
I’m brave enough to face the facts, but you take your leave and walk away like a coward.
Had you decided to tell it to my face, (although the truth will definitely hurt like a million stabs to the heart) I’ll applaud you for having the guts but you are a male with the nether region of a pussy.
I deserved to be treated better but as much as my hands and legs and anger are dying to smash you into tiny pieces, I have a conscience telling me to keep everything all inside of me.
‘Cos I know, greater ill-luck will come your way for breaking my heart. God is great, He’ll make sure you pay for every single tear drop.
Sometimes you make a decision and then a few days later you ponder whether you’ve made an ill-informed decision. You mull over it for days, consulting in all your closest friends to ask whether you’ve done the right thing or not. The decisive ones stood their ground while the sympathetic ones offer to give you alternative reasons to stick to your decision and the consequences if you don’t. You even lose sleep about the decision, wondering if choosing what you chose would be a big mistake.
What do you call that?
Today I find out, what holds you back from sticking to your guns in some of our lives’ decision is actually the devil called, doubt.
If ever, I am at this same page whereby I mull over a decision for long, I won’t make the mistake of taking as long as I did now.
‘Cos I realized tonight that in life, one should never leave room for doubt as it’ll only leave you with more room to cloud your first judgment which (whether you hate it or not) is always never wrong. Life as we know it, isn’t rosy. Nobody mentioned it was. But nobody ever mentioned that when we are presented with an option to choose between the best of two options, always go by your gut feeling. As much as you loathe the process of choosing something less easy but feels more right, you’ll never go wrong.
As at the end of the day, nobody knows you more than yourself than God;
and he lies within that “gut feeling” of ours if we reach a point of no absolution.
Thank you God, tonight you’ve proven to me that I’ve made no mistake in following my gut feeling. I found out the complete truth and as much as it may hurt me for awhile now, I know the hurt isn’t comparable to if I defy my gut feeling and change my mind.
He may deny that there wasn’t any woman in his life to have him walk out on me like that but no matter how hard he tries, ultimately, God will show you that your words are just a bunch of bull. You are a coward, refusing to admit there was another woman in your life, instead choosing to leave me hanging. Like what TH mentioned, you were “keeping your options opened” but little did I know, your options actually resulted in me finding out your biggest flaw ever; that you may be big and tower over me in height but you have no balls to match with my honesty ‘cos you prefer to seek shelter in a sheet of translucent lie instead of dealing me with the brutal truth. I may cry buckets wondering what went wrong in our relationship but I now, don’t wonder anymore.
‘Cos as much as I am the most difficult person on earth to love, I never did misplaced the trust you had in me. Plus, even though I am a woman, I dare say I am a better equal to you as at least I am willing to pour my entire heart out knowing at the end of the day, you may trample over them with your big feet. I was honest from day one until the end, unlike you. I’m not bitter anymore, some things in life need not be reasoned or answered on the spot. The answers just reveal themselves little by little each passing day. All you have to do is to, wait. I may have wasted a few tears and sleepless night and time crying over what was lost but I’m crying no more.
‘Cos I’ve found the closure that I need and I need not seek revenge to blast back at you.
I know He will do that for me, I trust Him completely and thank Him eternally for gifting me with the mind, body and soul of the person I am now.
Thank You O Lord,
You indeed never failed to be my Saviour.
… has brought about my act of closure.
As I was mourning the loss of a love and the dearth of a friendship, God dealt me a greater pain to deal with. He took my darling baby Jammies along with Him. Perhaps it was God’s way of telling me to focus the emotional and psychological pain I was going through in the form of physically seeing death.
Truthfully, to be dealt with two blows in one fateful morning was enough to drive me to my grave but I am eternally grateful GA & TH were there for me as I can’t imagine how I would be without them and their soothing words of motivation and also, GA’s shoulder to cry on.
Maybe like what they say, He knows best. He knows He challenges His people who are strong enough to go through life’s hurdles and make sure mortals like us take away the lessons from the pain of going through hardships. I daresay that fateful morning that BB turned his back on me along with the passing of Jammies all in one morning came to me as a huge shock that I couldn’t sleep a wink even though I was working graveyard later on that night. I lasted beyond 24 hours without sleeping and even through I felt emotionally drained and mentally beaten, I had two angels telling me to press on and not admit defeat. I was in complete shambles; totally felt as though I was going to die a miserable death and granted, all I wanted was to dig the soil in the lawn and bury myself alive as physical plus emotional plus psychological pain in one shot was growing too painful to bear.
But little did I know that despite going through one of the lowest points in my life, I have people who still picked me up and made sure I was back on my feet as quickly as I could. Sure, I tripped and fell and got some bruises going thorough this particular hardship but does anybody know how it impacted my life the next morning?
Only God knows as in my darkest weakest of day and night, He granted me light in Guardian Angel & love in Tubby Hubby. I am still missing you Jammies and burying you was the most painful thing I had to go through after a near two-year affair with you being my companion throughout my loneliest of nights. But your death also helped me to close a chapter in my love story as when I buried you deep within the burnt soil in the lawn, I buried the memory of a boy who cease to exist in my memory.
Thank You God for taking Jammies, I know now that You love him more than I do.
But at the same time, I know You love me enough to teach me to bury the past along with Jammies & from that moment on, move on with my life and not waste another second crying for a man not worthy of my tears.
Rest in Peace Joe Jambul,
Thank you for being my sweet surrender.
Rest in Peace Big Bear,
Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is all about.
Perasan yang ingin ku abadikan,
Sejak diriku menganali dirimu sayang,
Pertama kali ku memandang matamu,
Hatiku dipanah kasihmu,
Senyumanmu, mencuit hatiku
Engkaulah pengubat piluku,
Kau menerangi segala kegelapanku,
Dan hanya engkau membawa keriangan dalam hidupku
Terima kasih, sayangku
Cintaku ini, cinta sejati,
Ku harap engkau dapat merasakannya sendiri,
Aku berdoa agar bahagia bersama,
Kerana kau ku sayang,
Yang bernama ‘Aliah
It was an honor to have a boyfriend write out a song for me back then when I was in secondary school. He didn’t nail the melody but it was sweet enough.
I guess it’s quite a blessing to date a msician back then.
Fast forward to 2010 – 2011, I dated another musician and little did I know, history was going to be repeating itself. But this time, the boyfriend got the lyrics and this time, he got the melody right. He created this song as written above, especially for me.
It was a sleeper hit for me as when I can’t sleep at night, he’ll dutifully sing me the lyrics to the song and make sure that is the last thing I hear at night and also the first thing I hear when I wake up in the morning. The words may mean nothing to him now but I have to thank him for during the period I was his girlfriend, he made me feel like I was the most cherished, most loved, most lucky girl on Earth.
Alas, he thinks I didn’t show him enough of my love. Funny, he’s not the first boy to say that to me but hey, I may not love you the way you love me but that is not to say I never loved you with all I have.
It is a tragedy that we’ve reached the point of absolutely zero reconciliation whether in terms of friendship; don’t even think about reconciling on romantic grounds as perhaps Fate was what got in the way. Also, maybe the clashing of egos since I have the ego of a man as what he claimed. Honestly, I would love to hear more songs inspired by his life & love. I may not be his muse anymore but as much as I regret losing out on a beautiful friendship after the break-down of a relationship, I thank Him for granting the memories with him.
It didn’t last beyond one year but should he ever wondered what he was to me, back then, he meant the world to me.
Thanks for the memories Big Bear, it was great knowing you and carving out some sweet and not-so sweet memories with you.
For it’s you who brought me to where I am now and I won’t change a single thing nor regret a single day spent with you.
Just how low can you get oh -?
Name-calling, nit-picking every single flaw that I have done throughout the duration of our togetherness?
Telling how you are better off without me when I gave you a route to a better picture of yourself.
Okaye, I shan’t make the mistake of itemizing alright;
I did them with the sincerest of hearts.
Anyway, God hates people who have “perangai belanda” so I shan’t incur the wrath from Him.
Suddenly you decide that you are better alone, dealing with your own life with your own rules?
Oh, what happened to the “I don’t think I can spend a day without you” liner? Perhaps lost between that black hole between your ears?
Ditching me out of the blue for a better life alone?
For that I surely raise a toast to you as you completely caught me off-guard.
Saying that I didn’t believe your stories and being hurt caused I called you a liar?
Did you have the proof to debunk the myth? Sure you don’t; it’s all a creation of your mind.
You wanting to be your own self, try to play your own game and leave it all to Him?
Wow, I didn’t know you were the worshipping kind.
Teaching me the difference between reacting and accepting?
Just a few leadership books is enough to make you more world-wise as compared to me.
Telling me all these while that you’ve not approved my decisions in things, only reacted to my actions?
So every smile, every nod, every acknowledgment was a bitter stab into your heart I suppose? Now I know the reality was such a pain to you.
Claiming that I never considered giving up my selfish feelings to put myself in your shoes?
Urm, if being selfish equates to me being myself, why must I accommodate to you again?
Saying that I should take a good look of myself in the mirror and learn to observe?
I know I have short hair, a not-so-flawless face, chubby cheeks and a cheeky smile with the camera forehead & I accept myself the way I am. You mean you never did? How tragic, I fell for an impostor.
Well, here’s my summary of things:
You are a coward disguised in such a big frame.
You may act strong and think I will fall prey for your games but look here dear mister,
You are an ungrateful bastard.
You pointed a finger saying I’ve changed.
That my ego is too big for any man to handle?
Well guess what honey, four fingers are pointing right back at you.
If you don’t like me then that’s alright.
You could’ve just told me the honest truth.
I am what I am and I do what I do and if you have a problem then fuck you, too.
.. if he’s a gentleman, he won’t act like a jerk.
He’s the reason that I am dying a slow, unimaginable death in the cruel hands of time.
He’s also the reason I live such a glorious life with such amazing dreams as a life without him isn’t quite a life at all.
Why make or keep promises when they are supposed to be broken?
Make a vow instead,
at least there’s absolutely nothing you can do to break them.
Not even death can tear a vow apart.
Heard of anyone breaking a wedding vow?
(Let’s put aside those failed marriages etc.)