A Year Done & Dusted, 2015.

It may seem as though I have died off from the virtual pages of this site whereby I used to seek solace for troubled times.

It isn’t.

I am still very much alive, and kicking 🙂

I just happened to found a greater solace in silence over the last 365. It has been a good year of gathering my thoughts and life and putting things in motion while I keep my past firmly in the past.

Any regrets? No. I know things happened for a reason and although there are parts of me that ache to open up that old box of memories with old flames, I know it is best that they are all parked where they belong; in the past.

To those I have hurt in the past, please accept my apologies as I was trying to live this life and figure out what I want. Now that I am 27 going on 28, I am more or less certain with what ticks me, tugs me, melts me and it is good knowing that I have come full circle.

Thankful that God still loves me and gives me opportunities to repent and learn from my mistakes, I look forward to a brand-new chapter in 2016 and it begins today!

 

Happy Birthday, Papa

Daddy Hero

… And they never will. My hero has upgraded his hero status to angel and he is prolly keeping an eye on all of us from up there.

🙂

It would’ve been your 65th Birthday and we would have been able to cash out your CPF and let you enjoy the monies you’ve spent your lifetime to save for but I reckon the celebration in Heaven is way cooler right Papa?

I love you more than words can ever say.
Happy Birthday Papa!
XX

28th August 2014

Love

Marks the 3rd year that I found my best friend in the entire world that I can’t live without.
I love you, I cherish you, I adore you and I hope God will be kind to us and give us the strength to continue to be each other’s pillar of strength in good times and bad. I have tentative hopes and dreams for a beautiful future together and I hope God will be there to keep us safe from harm’s way and temptations – there are definitely plenty.

I love you, more than any man in the world, but nowhere near my love for Daddy yet.

🙂

365 Days Plus Without You

How is the air up there in Heaven daddy? I miss you lots every single day. Funny how your passing doesn’t seemed to make me miss you any lesser. In fact I still wonder and think of you every single day as when you were still alive.

Goodbye

 

I missed your smile the most. I also missed seeing you shuffling between the rooms, sleeping with the tv on, smelling your greying hair and scrubbing your back for a home-made spa. I missed nagging at you to eat your medicines. I missed holding your hand when I measure your BP. I missed wheeling you around on the wheelchair at top speed which you always say makes your heart hurt but you unabashedly admit that it was fun. I missed telling you stories about work. I missed having you at the kitchen, happily taste-testing my random recipes I found on the Internet. I missed seeing you wearing your favorite Goldlion belt and slouchy polo pants to the hospital. I missed cutting your toe nails and buffing them up to a pristine shine. I missed reminding you to brush your teeth before you sleep. I missed asking you if you are okay. I missed telling you that it will all be okay. I missed waking up at ungodly hours and checking on you. I missed checking your glucose level and writing them in the chart book. I missed telling Dr Satish how great you are doing. I missed seeing you devour the crab claws from Hei Sushi and your favorite fried tofu. I missed you giving me that cheeky smile, telling me you want a tad bit of Sprite and winded up drinking everything. 

Death

I have not been writing not because I am having a writer’s block. I did not write the last month plus as I wasn’t ready to face writing about 17th July 2014 which is the one year anniversary since Daddy passed on. Moving on to present-day, I will be facing yet another challenge to pass through. That hurdle happens to be Daddy’s birthday coming up on 29th August. You would have been 65 this year Daddy! It is the age when the government gives you back all the CPF money that you have been saving for all your life Daddy dear. Now, all that plan is just shelved for a rainy day for the family; for Mum.

Transition

I swear I feel your presence all around during the fasting month Daddy. Now that Eid is already over, I missed feeling that presence I felt and I sincerely look forward to the next one. I know the only consolation I feel with you gone is that you are no longer in any pain and that is comforting to me.

Till then, have a blast up there in Heaven Daddy. I am right here smack in the middle of Earth praying for your well-being and safety always. 

I love you more than words can ever say.

X

In Labour.

Today is the day that my younger cousin is admitted into hospital for her scheduled birth and I am stoked about the birth. However, considering that she is a good three years younger than me AND married with the impending arrival of a baby, I honestly feel old.

Like old in a seriously older than grandmother kind of old. 

I always thought I would be able to go through the motions of an engagement, marriage, honeymoon and child-bearing but in all honesty, the thought of bringing in life through my womb scares the shit pants out of me. I know many mothers disagree with me and will say that giving birth is the most beautiful thing the world has to offer but I honestly prefer raising a foster child from a less-developed nation and forgo all the pain and epidural side effects that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Maybe the rough childhood I had with my natural father that resulted in this strong stance against having my own kids.

You don’t need to give birth to the child to shower the same child with love, do you? Every child in this world is precious, a gift from God. Every child deserved a loving home with a pair of parents and home to shelter and nourish them. So why do we have to marginalize those that aren’t born from our chromosomes as not worthy of our love? They are innocent too. Just like animals. They didn’t choose to be born (especially those from less-developed countries) but they deserve all love a human heart is able to provide them.

Again, that is all of my opinion. Please do not chastise me for sharing with you my thoughts on my private space.

Family  1

Don’t get me wrong. I adore kids. But not from my own nether region please. I fear the pain more than anything else in the world. I would honestly rather bungee-jump in NZ.

I am thankful that the love is not keen on kids as if he wants like 5 of his and my mini-me, I swear I will celibate for my own good. Making love all day and night should be great but making and birthing babies is not part of my list of to-dos in life. I don’t mind adopting two kids (provided our finances can accommodate to it).

BUT for all you know, when I add a few years into my life, I may change my perspective all together…. And may wind up raising a football field of sorts on the backburner.

If you know what I mean.

🙂

Time With Family is Time Spent with The God.

Family

I love nothing more than to have the entire family; plus the sister-in law, nephew and the love, to sit down for a meal together and sharing the best dishes that the mummy has to offer. Prolly the biggest reason why I love family get-together and iftar. The dining table may be small but I know the kitchen is definitely full of love for everyone. Not everyone may share the same sentiment of course but this is my idea of happiness that no amount of money can buy.

I am positive Daddy will be looking down from Heaven and smiling widely at these weekend dinners that we have together.

🙂

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 15!

Woohoo, Day 15! One more week to go. How are you doing? How’s the course been for you so far? Hit reply and let me know what’s going on for you, if you have any questions, experiences you’d like to share etc.

It’s been a powerful, introspective week so let’s cap it off with doing something special. This is your invitation to pamper, spoil, or treat yourself!

Today, start a happy jar. On little pieces of paper, write down a bunch of stuff that you love to do and makes you happy. Every week, take a piece of paper out and do what it says!

If you make this a regular practice, you’ll be way happier, more energised, and your Inner Sparkle will twinkle like lights in your eyes 🙂 A previous participant got her entire family making up happy jar slips ~ the kids loved it!

Go on, be good to yourself. You DESERVE it!

Wishes Jar

I am going to start listing down my jars all this week. Let’s see what happens!

🙂

Character

Manners

I am a strong believer in good manners. Regardless of how rich or how poor you are, I believe that the single best asset anyone can own is to be a genuinely nice human being. I see the dismal characters walking down the streets and I am grossly disappointed. What is so hard about saying please and thank you? And also, to add a little smile; even if it is a tight smile, would make a lot of difference to the conversation.

I am one who loves to smile and strike conversations with strangers on the street but I completely abhor rudeness and the lack of smiles on the face of others. I wish people will make the world a better place by smiling more often instead of scowling or frowning when asking for help or directing a query. What is even more sad is when you see the younger generation with appalling manners and I can only imagine how rude the world will be when our kids grow up.

😦

Truly, there are so many reasons to smile and a smile generates a positive image on oneself and as a reflection on others. It is a domino effect; you smile to a stranger and they return that smile and aside from a smile back, you get that warm surge of happiness gravitating within you. Even if it lasts for a mere five seconds.

Trust me, it’s all worth it.

Manners 2

9491th Day.

As my birthday concluded last night, I sneaked a chance today to reflect on things since I was busting the calories at the gym today. I can’t be more grateful to be 26 now that I am where I am and surrounded by the people who truly mattered. I know it hadn’t been an easy journey to turn 26, in fact I never envisioned living past 25 as I thought it is funny to plan for a life I am not sure of.

But God has been ever so Forgiving and I am thankful to wake up and be blessed enough to savor another day  with the family and the ones that matter the most to me.

The last two days had been a wonderful experience. In fact, it had been the best and definitely most memorable experience of a birthday well-spent. The only glitch? That four of my closest loves could not attend my birthday dinner with me.

Memories

One, Dad.

It is my first birthday without Papa and as much as I am glad that he no longer is in pain, missing him is undeniable. I am sure Mama had it harder than I do but the feeling of losing never seemed to go away does it? There are days I will stare hard at his portrait on my table and tell him that I miss seeing him smile. That sometimes seeing a photo of him smiling wide isn’t enough to make me miss him any lesser. I am not the most religious of Muslims but I do save a prayer for you as much as I can as you totally deserve it Daddy dear. I know you are watching me every step of the day as my guardian angel and I know that is comforting as I know I am safe in your protection in the eyes of God.

Two, Murugiah Komala.

The best friend is down with the sniffles and is out of action the last few days. Babe! Feel better soon please! I am craving for The Pizza Place dinner with you 🙂

Three, Maris Stella Djuli.

The other best friend who is in town with her gorgeous son BUT we can’t seemed to find the proper time and day to meet up for ngabuburit. 😦 See you soon my dear! Hopefully I can sneak back to Jakarta some time end of the year or early next year to see you and finally try out your home-cooking! 🙂

Four, Reaus.

I know this year had been a tough one for you with your Mum’s passing and in the deepest corners of my heart, I yearn to be close to you as before. However, I can only hope and wish for that to happen as our friendship is not one that is taken easily by your partner and I am deeply saddened to have to consider staying away so long as he remains your partner. I missed those days that we will call and catch up with each other over anything and everything under the sun and just laugh the moments away. I fondly remembered sneaking to WCP to surprise you one fine night and drop off a cake for you and your colleagues at work. I tell the love how sad it is like to watch a friendship disintegrate slowly but I do believe that perhaps some friendships can’t blossom due to reasons only God will know. I do have you in my prayers everyday. I pray that you will always remain safe in God’s protection and that you will continue to be strong when the going gets tough.

Play

I used to grow up regretting why certain things don’t end the way that I want to. But as I  blew my 26th candle yesterday, I resolute to never regret those missed chances and failed attempts. I strive to live a greater life everyday and to seize whatever opportunities I have every day to make my day better and happier for myself and those that matter around me. I believe God has His reasons, we just need to live through those bad decisions and make better ones for the greater future. 🙂

Embracing 26.

HBTM

The day has finally arrived that I have turned a year older and hopefully, wiser. In the spirit of the birthday festivities happening today, allow me the grace to share with you a wonderful article about turning 25 and discovering some things that fascinate and inspire a man to greater heights.

25 Things that I Learnt About Myself at 25

http://www.businessinsider.com/25-things-i-learned-about-life-by-age-25-2014-7?IR=T&

I am off to a roaring start to the day and I wish everyone will have an equally blast of a weekend too!

2 Ramadan 1435 Hijrah

Image

It was a morning of Ramadan that I woke up tad bit late for 8 o’clock work. I saw Mum sitting on the bed and fiddling with her phone and I asked whether she had eaten her sahur that morning. Mum shot me an absolutely blank face and asked me back.

“What sahur?”

I patiently told her that today is indeed fasting month and she needs to get up pronto to prepare food for herself and brother to eat before Subuh but again, the bewildered look was washed all over her face and she asked me again,

“What sahur? When did we sahur? It is Ramadan already?”

She got off the bed, walked to the kitchen table and then asked me again what day was it today and why are we hurrying to prepare to eat in the morning. Trust me, it all my years living with her, I have never seen her in such a blank state. I couldn’t gather my thoughts as to what exactly happened to her but I could only gathered that she needs help along the way or else she will be completely lost. I hurriedly placed all my bathing articles in the toilet and helped her in the kitchen. Mum would wash the cups half-way then stop awhile and ask me repeatedly;

“What day is it today, what is the date, how many days have we fasted and why are we fasting today?

Only the Lord knows how I managed to muster so much patience given that I was already late for work by a good half an hour. It just felt as though I felt the despair Mum felt and I can only hope that she will walk out of this blank and empty state as soon as she can. The good thing that I am thankful for was that her memory just happened to be wiped out of the events that happened yesterday. Somehow or rather, she was able to remember what happened on the day before yesterday but she wasn’t able to register the details of what happened in the later part of the day.

Somehow I knew in my deepest of hearts that something was clearly “off” about Mum but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Perhaps she woke up too sudden? Perhaps she was still on her deep sleep state? Perhaps her medication was still running high on her bloodstream? Perhaps she fell while everyone else was sleeping? Perhaps she was losing her mind? Perhaps. Those questions remained unanswered and will always be.

Anything could have caused it. Anyone could’ve missed it. Maybe it was meant to be that way. The sudden loss of memory on Mum decapitated me; I felt numb on the inside. I felt as though I was on the brink of losing someone dear again. I mean, who wakes up one fine morning and forgets everything? I thought those things only happened to goldfish? In all honesty, that is what I was think will happen to me. That I will be losing my memory one fine day and forget everything. I always prayed that it happened to me and not to anyone else. Especially Mum! She looked lost. Painfully lost as though she wants to try to remember but her brain just could not function right. Something looked clearly off about her.

The most heartbreaking moment had to be when I was about to leave home for work and I told her to take care and then she cried and said,

” Dear, Ma can’t remember anything? What’s wrong? Why am I like this? What day is it today? Today is Ramadan?” Then she gritted her teeth and sobbed quietly.

Walking away from her was definitely the hardest part of my day. Despite the fact that I was being late for work, the thought of walking away from a sad Mum who remained inconsolable was harder to bear.

The whole time I was at work, I was trying to be as focused as I could but I know Mum was very close in my mind. When I got home, she looked as though she’s back to 80% in her normal state. She baffled me further when she asked me what happened in the morning as she had no recollections of it at all.

I could only smile and said,

“Nothing happened Ma, you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

I think she deserved so much more after the loss of Dad that none of us know how empty she feels inside. After the incident today, I began to see her as a person who wants to move on so badly but there’s too much memories stored in the last 35 years of her life that 1 year isn’t sufficient for her to move on but I do hope and pray that she will not give up in trying to move on well past that stage where she lost the love of her life to destiny.

I am not one to question God’s will but I know He does know that she is a strong woman who will overcome all obstacles in her and our family’s way. But I am also aware that her heart is not the same now that her love is in God’s arms and this Ramadan will be the most trying Ramadan she’ll ever have to face alone. It’ll be her first. But I do hope, with all of our support, she will pull through. Stronger than ever before. I never imagined living a life without a father at 25. But I can’t quite imagine a life devoid of a mother if she is hanging in a limbo of the past and the present.

Hope

Stay strong Mummy. It isn’t going to be easy but I am sure you will pull through; we are all rallying around you. every step of the way. Insha Allah.

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 13:

What are 3 of your “victories” or successes in life? 

We often look at how far we have to go, and forget to see how far we’ve come.

Take this day to remember all the times you kicked a** and took names, acknowledge yourself for them, and resolve to toot your horn a little more.

You truly are a powerful, creative person, capable of creating any reality you want!

So … let’s hear it!

 Sweet Victory

VICTORY #1: Walking away from a physically demeaning relationship with a long-term ex-boyfriend. It had to be the hardest but boldest step I have ever taken to consider walking away from that relationship as on the plus point, he had such a lovely family to boot and such luxurious lifestyle that I can only imagine. But over the course of the relationship, I began to realize that all that luxury did not fulfill my idea of happiness so I walked away. Best decision I have ever made in my life. EVER. 🙂

VICTORY #2: Winning the SHATEC Scholarship beating out 40 others and maintaining my GPA above 3.3 till I completed my diploma studies. It was a big victory as I managed to make myself proud as I proved my mettle against the detractors who think I couldn’t make it. Yes, my chosen path isn’t a bed of roses BUT it couldn’t have been more exciting than this. I chose a path away from the norm and caved out a career in a quick-serving corporation and that brought me endless opportunities to grow and evolve into a greater person than before. 🙂

VICTORY #3: Being financially-independent since 15. It wasn’t an easy feat considering that I made that decision hastily on my 15th birthday but a decade on, I never gave up on trying to prove to myself and those around me that I am capable to bring in the moolah even when the circumstances are against me. At an age when other kids are busily spending their pocket money on country flag erasers and whatnots, I was busy saving up to have a fat bank account to the extent that Mum used to call me stingy as I don’t mind others forking out cash for me instead of me forking it out for myself. Haha! I am proud of myself for being that stubborn to want to show myself and my family what I am capable of AND still be happy to give more to others where necessary. 🙂

I know I can achieve more, so long as I set my mind to it.
You just have to wait and see.
🙂

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 11:

Forgiveness. It’s time to start forgiving yourself for mistakes you’ve made, ‘wrong’ decisions you’ve taken and ‘right’ ones you haven’t. If you want to be happy and more energetic, you’ve got to DUMP the baggage you’re carrying around!

Lighten the load on your back, neck, shoulders and heart as you let go of anything that’s not serving you. It doesn’t belong in your bright, gorgeous, happy and fulfilling life 🙂

What will you forgive yourself for and move on from today? 

Be gentle with yourself – this is NOT an invitation to beat yourself up, it’s an invitation to free yourself. Confidence comes from seeing mistakes and failures as a part of life, and not making them mean something negative about *you* as a person.

I’m excited to see what you’re saying goodbye to so please do share 🙂

Forgiveness

There are definitely many mistakes that I have made throughout the course of the twenty over years of my life and most of them led me to where I am now.  Among those mistakes that I have made, they have to revolve around my wrong choices in choosing a partner or what my girlfriends call it, Mr Right Now.

I had a tumultuous and tempestuous long-term relationship with a schoolmate which ended acrimoniously during my graduation and that had definitely left the greatest impact in my life thus far. It has taught me not to trust others too easily and to never give 100% of my time and effort to one man only until he is the one with whom I will call my husband.

Alas, I am a trusting person. I trust others truly easily so it’s little wonder that I never seemed to learn from that painful chapter in my life. I had sudden but brief exposures to suicide, abuse and also betrayal that I never thought I would actually come out of the chapter alive and virtually unscathed. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a tight knit of friends who have seen me in my biggest ups and greatest downfalls and are not afraid to help me up when the going gets tough.

Many, many failed relationships later, I vowed not to love another man anymore as I fear that another heartbreak will crucify my sanity but I guess my current love managed to overcome that aspect of me. With him (as how I was with my previous ex-boyfriends), I was completely transparent with my past. I told him all the nasty things I have done, all the rebellion inside of me that’s hungry to be set free and also, the hope that by being honest, he would be able to accept me with all of my imperfections. He remained quiet throughout the bouts of episodes that I throw tantrums and confided my deepest secrets. Not once did he questioned my reasons for doing what I did. In fact, he never raised his voice at me. I thought that was weird as I was used to being hurled abuse by the ex-boyfriend that it took a long time to understand that…

It’s okay not to hurt another person verbally or physically. It is the right thing to not lay a hand on anyone. Inflicting pain on another person is downright wrong.

I thought our relationship was destined to doom eventually but… Close to four years of friendship and three years of love later, he still tells me everyday that he loves me unconditionally and that regardless of what mistakes I have done in the past as it doesn’t matter to him. What matters to him is the current me and the future me that he wants to plan a future with. I guess that is where the forgiveness came from.

I learnt to forgive when I was shown the right to forgive myself in the eyes of another and to me, that is the greatest gift I can ask from anyone for myself. Forgiveness for myself is a healing experience. It was a long, long time coming but I am glad I opened myself up to this healing process. It is as though all the negativity and disappointment perish to make way to something greater than holding back. Since my birthday is coming in a few days,  I am going on another path to forgive my past 25 years of mistakes that I have yet to find the time to forgive and heal.

I hope you readers will feel the power that forgiveness has on you.
It truly feels like a miracle.
Good vibes everyday everyone!

🙂

WEEK 2: Intuition, Confidence, Vibe Raisers!

For today’s mini task, think about something that’s been on your mind. Take a deep breath in for a count of 4, slowly breathe out for a count of 8. Do this 2 more times.

Now imagine that you just got a text from God / the Universe / your higher self (whatever works for you).

What does it say? Don’t 2nd guess or try to direct it, just let the answer come to you.

The text from ___ is a fantastic way to tune out your monkey mind and tune into the intuitive part of you that KNOWS everything. Allow it to help you and guide you!

*

I am thinking of changing my diet and lifestyle and incorporating a healthy diet in it. With Ramadhan creeping in next week, I have the intention to eat clean and live cleaner. I was greatly inspired when I was having lunch with a colleague who gyms every morning before she goes in to work. I am not the best morning person around but I like the fact that gym keeps her active and “awake” during the long hours ploughing in front of the laptop and through the endless meetings. Isn’t that so great? She’s even on Kayla’s BBG too; on Week 4 no less and I can feel the positive vibes that she has garnered from all of her morning regime!

I was contemplating  doing the Kayla Itsines work out before I resume fasting on normal workdays but that would mean that I will be up at 3am in the mornings for gym and 5am for a meal before fasting and sleeping by 8pm on weekday nights. I am not sure if I can but I feel excited just thinking about it. However, I think many detractors will think that I am going insane, heh. I think even the love and family will think I am too.

😀