WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

Day 4: Afformations (with an O instead of I)

Last night, I had a very fascinating conversation with the love. I asked him if he can envisioned me doing a secretarial position in PPHG when my concierge contract ends in October. Then he posed back at me the same question and asked if I can envision myself as a secretary. Then it got me thinking…

In all honesty, I am aware that I have a knack for planning and prioritizing but I never envisioned myself to be someone’s secretary. Don’t get me wrong, there are fabulous secretaries where I am working at who have done more than what I have done in my work experience and they mostly become secretaries mainly for the stability of a proper job after years of chasing the corporate ladder. Maybe I can do that when I am pushing 40? But for now I still envision myself being one of the leaders in a company more than playing a supportive role. Presently, I am in a simple routine office position that doesn’t require even rocket Science but after this, I know the future is so wide that I have plenty of places that I can go to and grow.

Leading a large team in IKEA, McDonald’s and AI has led me to the belief that given the right circumstances and good timing, I can get to where I envision myself to be in and be able to lead a team of subordinates. It may not be in a top management position or a steering committee of a conglomerate but I think I belief I can get “there” wherever my destiny will lead me.

Closer than Yesterday

Today, I afform to ask myself…

“Why am I so ambitious?”

You’ll Never Forget..

… your first love. No matter how deeply in love you are with the current man in your life, there’s no such thing as the current man ever replacing the first love. Funny how I readily agree with that statement even after the first love was vanquished many, many years ago. Sure, he gave me plenty of heartbreaks etc but I still recall thoughts of him ever once in a while when people call me by my middle name or spew out my full name. It’s just unlucky that his name will forever be related with mine since we both have the same middle names.

I’m not writing ‘cos I’m pining for him. Hell no, I am very much happy where I am, dating and getting to know decent and sweet guys. It’s just that sometimes when I do decide to google profiles, his profile is one of those I do read.

We separated on poor terms and I blame it on our immatured nature but never did I ever regretted leaving him. In fact, leaving him was the catalyst I needed to push myself further and further in whatever I was doing. Sometimes, I do thank him and say a prayer of thanks to God for letting us cross paths as without a history with him, I wouldn’t be so adamant on achieving and carving out my own path in my career and everything else in my life for my future.

Now, I see that he’s happy and I’ve got nothing but good wishes for him. I sincerely hope he’ll find whatever he dreams of in that girl and hopefully she is able to make him happier than I did. He’ll never be able to mould her into the space I used to fit but I know, she’ll take care of him alright.

When I lost a love, I actually regretted just running away. ‘Cos I ended up losing a good friend too. But that’s okaye, I’ve got plenty of friends who are there for me through thick and thin and I am immensely gratified for that blessing. Sure, I lost a first love & a good friend but the gains I get are worth the years of heartache.

So thank you ‘Izzat Said, you’ve left a mark in my heart and head but I never harbored any ill-intentions towards you and your past misdeeds. Here’s wishing that you’ll find the love worth living for; someone who can love you more than I did. I have said my silent goodbyes many times but I never went ahead with the actual action as I fear moving on would deem me a bitch who doesn’t give a hoot about her old flame but I think the time is right that I say goodbye to you and really mean every single breath when I say it. Throughout these years, everyone I know have crossed paths with you, even my brother too. I’m thankful I haven’t and I honestly hope I don’t, ever. You cease to exist in my memory and so do I. Let us be strangers, it’s infinitely better that way. I’m sure you’ll agree too.

Hell is the Order of the Day, Everyday

Things are getting so heated up these days at work that I find the dire need to run away and recharge myself. I did, and still am. I’m fighting a losing battle with myself too frequently that I find my moods going up and down like The Human Rollercoaster at Battlestar; leaves my head in a terrible spin. I will be on a weeks’ leave till I am ready to come back and face hell on a ten-hours-a-day basis. Maybe I should consider jetting off to somewhere isolated like Timbuktu or maybe seek spiritual divinity in the mountains of Tibet to get myself back.

I’m half way through my fourth day and I’m virtually not in Singapore but I’ve got to head back town to sit for my exams tomorrow before resuming my sabbatical for another two days. I don’t understand how people can last twenty, thirty years in the system. How do people survive all the politicking is beyond me. I fear each time I hear my name being called out on the ring of fire over and over. It’s turning into a phobia of even hearing my own name altogether. Horrible, horrible people do exists.

Oh sigh, I give myself two years max. Two years and I’ll be out if I’m still at this location, in this current position, with the measly pay I get for a work meant for entry level candidate. I am seeking job satisfaction first, pay second. But when the job satisfaction dies out, I’ll not don the uniform anymore. It’s my own promise to myself to ensure that my happiness lasts a lifetime.

My Soulmate’s 22nd

If there is one person whom I treat as more than a best friend, she’s the one.

If there is such a thing as a true epitomy of a best friend, she’s the one.

If I was the sun, she would be the moon.

If I were black, she would be my white.

If she was a boy, I would most definitely marry her.

If I see the whole world turning against me, I know she’d be there to back me up.

If you treat a friend as family, she’d be my closest twin, or better still, my other half.

*

She’s my cheerleader, best friend, confidante, gossip-monger, brains, my lesser evil and so much more.

She’s gone through many ups and even more downs with me.

And the best part, she’s still there to see the rise and the fall of me when I was dating so many guys in the past.

She stick through it all and never did she once passed a judgment on me and my grave mistakes.

She was the only one who was there when I watched my grandmother being carried off for burial.

At the penultimate point that I thought I was going to die seeing my grandmother embark on her final journey, this wonderful soul was there with her mother and they offered me what great solace at the darkest and bleakest point of my 2009.

They stood at my balcony as they see me muster a weak smile.

Trust me when I say, I still remember those vivid memories like it was yesterday.

When I thought I was going to crumble and die, she was there.

And at the end of the day, she’s still here.

She’s the BFF I can’t live without.

We are like two peas in a pod, all too similar yet very much different in everything.

Be it, taste of music, boys (especially!), study choices, career paths, family and even mindset.

We never quite agree on liking similar things as far as I can remember.

­čÖé

Almost a decade worth of friendship and we still never seem to get sick of each other.

Funny how when our friendship started, we began as sworn-enemies since we both were gunning for top spot in tests.

I guess like the all-too-familiar quote was true for me: If you can’t beat them, you join them.

So I joined her league of extraordinary school results group and like what people say, the rest is history.

*

Today’s date marks her special 22nd Birthday.

I know I’m not there to plant that birthday surprise at your door with a balloon in hand nor a cookie cake in tow like last year but I really wish you’ll have a blast of a birthday as you move one step closer to adulthood, the working world and also the whole spectrum of unknown surprises God has planned for you.

Find a date and we shall head to Sentosa for your special birthday surprise.

Trust me, it’ll be something worth waiting for for this lifetime.

Consider it a special birthday treat for the special best friend.

­čÖé

With much, much, much alien love,

yours truly.

Lunch, Actually

If there’s one thing that I miss after turning workaholic, it would simply be to have afternoon lunch with my parents. Many young people these days are too busy to notice that sometimes it’s these small pockets of time you spend with your old folks are the only things they ask for from you as you go about chasing that paper dreams of yours.

When I graduated and was waiting around for a job, I had all the time in the world to wake up in the afternoons, just in time to dine in with my parents and resume my job-hunting. Now that I am working, time is extremely limited although now, I have the bucks to take them out for fancy dinners. So like what I’ve always presumed, money isn’t everything to me. I can have all the money in the world yet not spending a minute or two talking to my parents will render me poor akin to those unfortunate people in the third-world countries.

Now, I steal those precious few minutes to wake up earlier for work just so that I can spend a few minutes before I head to work to talk to Mum and wake up early even when I’m tired just so that I can join Dad for breakfast. Sometimes it breaks my heart knowing that I am so busy and being unable to fulfill that wish of driving them around for their grocery shopping etc as and when they want us siblings to. So even if I have enough money to sustain their golden years, it would mean nothing to me as compared to spending an extra hour or two with them, every single day till I breathe my last. I still believe that they only want time from me and not the money.

Sure, having money makes everything much easier to achieve but when I think about it, money is the root of all evil. I’d rather be poor financially but rich in family love. I’d gladly give up my life so as to ensure my parents have a fulfilling and smooth-sailing twilight years. I still have that naggy envy thought when I see people my age zipping around town in their Beemers and such but I never hoped to be like them. Maybe hopefully, I’ll get to save enough cash equivalent to the price-tag on a car that expensive, but I’d rather spend all five, six-figured sum of it as a warranty that my parents will never have to worry about money troubles, ever.

I’ve just had lunch with my parents today; and now I realised that Dad is getting darker from all the chemotherapy while Mum’s eyes are really showing her age with the crow’s feet and wrinkles beneath her eyes. I wish there’ll be something I can do to make sure they lead better lives.

360

August was the month I debut the new me and unleashed a greater level of happiness, confidence and grace that I never thought existed within me. Nobody will understand what August did to me. I just simply woke up one fine day and had an epiphany of what great losses I will culminate if I remain stuck in the olden times. Each day in my life from August onwards, I took a giant leap away from being stuck in the horrors of the past and finally coming to terms with dealing with the past once and for all. I finally was able to get on with my life and not carry so much of emotional baggage in the trunk.

Thanks be to God; for He is Most Merciful & Kind.

“I Can Decide…”

There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others.
And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.

Elizabeth Gilbert

American Novelist and Short Story Writer

 

Our Higher Order

I took 1.5 years to get back on my feet after:

(a) I received the news of my Daddy’s bone & blood cancer diagnosis

(b) Wawa had stroke at home and I wasn’t there

(c) I went through a bitter and painful break-up which ended acrimoniously after 3 years of being with him

(d) It dawned on me that I will never be able to further my studies as planned..

… and all that happened in a twisted vicious cycle; like one after another test being laid out in front of me by Him. Although I was at the lowest point of my life, I never looked at Him and question Him why he chose me to go through all that in one shot. Funny how instead of killing myself (something I would prolly do if I were my immatured self at age 14), I turned to Him; the very One who was throwing all these supposed tests at me.

I prayed for the first time in many, many years and till this date, I have no idea what pushed me to want to wake up from my restless sleep and just solat even though then, I barely remembered the lines to a proper prayer. After all, I was beyond wayward then; dabbling my feet in hypocrisy, lust and so much more sins that I don’t think He will forgive until I make a brand new start.

But anyway, during the transition of the triple tragedies till now, I still hold dear to me the thought of furthering my studies and maybe someday, pick up the books to read Marketing or Advertising someday. I still yearn to wear that badge that my peers are currently basking in. You know, the badge that says, ” I am a degree-holder from so-and-so university..” Yeah, the typical liner I have been dying to say with pride.

But joining the corporate life ahead of my school-going peers isn’t all that bad after all. Sure, my friends will look and snigger as a top Scholar ends up in (just) McDonald’s while they’re chasing after that elusive degree, Masters’, PhD and so much more. I know when I see some of my friends in-store, they have this high-up-in-the-air look whereby they feel so much more mighty than me just because they are my paying guests who indirectly pay for my monthly pay check. Trust me, coming from a woman with a swelled-up ego of a man, that took a hell lot of beating on my weary soul for a while.

But All Praises be with the Lord as He granted me the eyes to see beyond all that and see that at the end of the day, I have the upper hand versus the rest of the paper-qualification-chasing world. I entered the workforce at a tender age of twenty, the very age I am supposed to be in my 2nd Year in NTU or NUS. The inexperience that comes with my young age makes me an easier “sponge” to teach as compared to the other corporate people twice my age. I am in the same position as those adults, five or six years older than me. The only difference is that they are in the position because they are qualified (they have the degrees to boot) while I am in the same position as the higher-ups in McDonald’s see a potential in me and look past my diploma qualification.

Sure, walking past the fact that I may trail behind in terms of studies isn’t an easy walk to tread upon but considering the benefits I am reaping thus far, why should I continue to look down upon myself just because I am not a degree-holder ? Other people out there see the spark in me and it came to a time whereby I should look at myself the way others see me. There’s so, so much to life than just a degree and if you ask me now whether I want to save up my money for an education, I’d say no confidently. Not anymore a meek and barely audible “No” as I know if He destines me to study in the future, the world will work out its way to my favor somehow.

­čÖé
All Praises to Our Higher Order.
All Thanks be to God.

 

The Breath of Fresh Air

I know in life, we make certain decisions that we may think is right at that point in time. One of the decisions I felt I made was one of my wisest ever thus far is the decision to be extremely picky when it comes to friends. Sure, I’ve been burnt many times over the years by friends who claimed to be there for you when you are down in the pits but they end up leaving you to your own laurels when you are down there and basically that taught me this valuable lesson in friendship.

I made it a point to screen and filter my friends and only allow those who have withstood the test of time and patience over the years so much so that I can easily say, I have only three best friends who know me inside out and very few casual friends.

Coming into McDonald’s has changed me entirely.

I am forced to walk away from my comfort zone of 3 best friends and embrace those random strangers you will meet on the street and acknowledge them. I meet old fiends who left me behind and have them come up to me asking me out for a cuppa coffee. I meet super-duper long-lost friends whom I’ve lost touch ever since my kindergarten days and also, I meet new friends who I see a potential future friendship with. Honestly, being a self-introverted person and having to change to be someone super-friendly to just about anyone took me quite a while to master.

Looking back, yes I will still say sticking to my favorite 3 best friends to spend good times and bad with was a good decision but now that I’ve reached this stage of maturity, I know in the long-run, it will do me more harm than good to just have three friends all my life. I want to be inspired by others more than anything else. I want to see the world through other people’s eyes and try to understand why they do certain things and think a certain way. I want to get to know what makes other people different from me and hopefully, skim out their bad habits and invigorate myself with their good.

I’m twenty-two (barely adult you may say) but I do feel as though age has wisened me up a hell lot. Believe me when I say that things I did when I was 17 versus now differ vastly and I will never have the impulsiveness to match them now. But age does change things, at least in my opinion. If you allow yourself to grow at your own pace instead of trying to grow up too fast, you will encounter this change I am going through. Believe me. I find myself drawn to know more about others and things like talking to random strangers while at work is such an ease now that I can’t imagine what a life I would have if I hadn’t traveled the McDonald’s path. I would prolly be someone who is stuck in her past, vehemently refusing to move on with her future. Someone constantly unhappy with herself for her wrong choices in life.

I am not saying that to be someone better, you have to join McDonald’s.

No.

It’s just that I am blessed enough to find my better self after I joined McDonald’s. It’s a blessing in disguise. I’m a whole new person now because McDonald’s changed me as a person. So don’t bother asking me why a top scholar from Shatec Institutes end up working with McDonald’s while my other school peers are excelling in their choice universities.

I’ll ask you back,

“Why not ?”

McDonald’s changed me;
McDonald’s make me believe that the stars are not all that impossible to achieve.

Does your university teach you that ?

Change Is Good

You may assume that now,  I have a special someone in my life who has turned my life upside down inside out. Truth is, you are so very wrong. On the other hand, I had a new-age revelation whereby I woke up one fine sunny morning and had a brand-new life breathed into me. Call it strange but I call it a calling from Above.

­čÖé

Now that I have finally gone around letting go of all my past which has been haunting me through the years, I can finally look towards my future and embrace it without worrying that my past will come catching up and leaving another trail of destruction. As I know, nothing else matters now. I’ve done both good and bad things during my lifetime and I am not going to harp and sweat over those small stuffs. I am going to thrust my heart, body and soul into the uncertainty of the future and see what the Lord has in store for me.

 

Moments VS Memories

” Sometimes we will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

*

How true is the quote ? Sometimes we take the happy moments we have in life or granted that when our worlds are shaken by God’s test just a little bit, we sit down wondering “Why me ?” or, “Why must I go through this ?”. Little did we know that sometimes, that’s just His way of telling us not to take what we have for granted.

2010 has been an absolute darling to me; I’ve done things I never envisioned myself doing and also, I’ve met people whom I never thought would leave such a deep impact in me and my way of thinking. I think thus far, my 2010 has been a total blessing from God and now, I wish this fairy tale happiness will last beyond 2010.

­čÖé

The What-Ifs in Life

Funny how when it comes to dealing with anything blood or emergency, I am the first┬áone┬áto respond to the call. Sometimes I wonder whether my stint in this frontline service industry is just my second-best choice meant to cover up my actual desire to serve others in a hospital or an┬áemergency kind of environment. After all, I didn’t work hard enough during my “O” Levels and I have no one but myself to be blamed. I needed sterling results to enrol into a top Junior College so that I can study medicine at NUS but back then, I didn’t have much drive to want to excel.

Back then, my motto was just to have fun 365 days a year. It took me a long while before I realised how far behind I am when it comes to achieving my dream and by then, the opportunity has already gone off with the wind just like always. People say, golden opportunities knock only once in your lifetime and sadly, I was too blinded by silver that I forgot the golden pot hidden behind every rainbow.

So I told myself, just try out this service industry where our lives revolve around making others happy by serving up sizeable portions of food and service from the heart. It is definitely a different kind of┬á“service” as compared to the medical industry but it is somewhat similar isn’t it?┬áBut there are times whereby I feel that what satisfaction I get isn’t up to the level I was yearning to feel.

If I really let my mind wander, I always wondered what it’s like to be donning the white lab coat and having a stethoscope hung loosely around my neck. But other times, I slap myself for thinking too much about the what-ifs in life. I’m not saying I don’t treasure my time in the service industry. I do, it fact starting out from SHATEC Institutes and garnering that elusive scholarship gave me a sense of redemption of sorts. But considering the fact that I don’t freak out when I’m faced with blood and road accidents; it should mean something shouldn’t it? I don’t need a show-stopping career move; maybe just something that will make me feel that my mission in life is actually on the road of fulfilment.

Ugly Betty

Do you ever wonder why I love the series so much that I watch it everytime it runs on cable?

Because Ugly Betty makes me believe in the story of the ugly duckling from Aesop Fables during my childhood.

That even the ugliest of ducklings, when given time to grow…

… can be a beautiful swan regardless of how much the world tells her that she can’t.

*

Anything is possible, so long as you have the faith in yourself.

­čÖé