In Labour.

Today is the day that my younger cousin is admitted into hospital for her scheduled birth and I am stoked about the birth. However, considering that she is a good three years younger than me AND married with the impending arrival of a baby, I honestly feel old.

Like old in a seriously older than grandmother kind of old. 

I always thought I would be able to go through the motions of an engagement, marriage, honeymoon and child-bearing but in all honesty, the thought of bringing in life through my womb scares the shit pants out of me. I know many mothers disagree with me and will say that giving birth is the most beautiful thing the world has to offer but I honestly prefer raising a foster child from a less-developed nation and forgo all the pain and epidural side effects that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Maybe the rough childhood I had with my natural father that resulted in this strong stance against having my own kids.

You don’t need to give birth to the child to shower the same child with love, do you? Every child in this world is precious, a gift from God. Every child deserved a loving home with a pair of parents and home to shelter and nourish them. So why do we have to marginalize those that aren’t born from our chromosomes as not worthy of our love? They are innocent too. Just like animals. They didn’t choose to be born (especially those from less-developed countries) but they deserve all love a human heart is able to provide them.

Again, that is all of my opinion. Please do not chastise me for sharing with you my thoughts on my private space.

Family  1

Don’t get me wrong. I adore kids. But not from my own nether region please. I fear the pain more than anything else in the world. I would honestly rather bungee-jump in NZ.

I am thankful that the love is not keen on kids as if he wants like 5 of his and my mini-me, I swear I will celibate for my own good. Making love all day and night should be great but making and birthing babies is not part of my list of to-dos in life. I don’t mind adopting two kids (provided our finances can accommodate to it).

BUT for all you know, when I add a few years into my life, I may change my perspective all together…. And may wind up raising a football field of sorts on the backburner.

If you know what I mean.

🙂

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Time With Family is Time Spent with The God.

Family

I love nothing more than to have the entire family; plus the sister-in law, nephew and the love, to sit down for a meal together and sharing the best dishes that the mummy has to offer. Prolly the biggest reason why I love family get-together and iftar. The dining table may be small but I know the kitchen is definitely full of love for everyone. Not everyone may share the same sentiment of course but this is my idea of happiness that no amount of money can buy.

I am positive Daddy will be looking down from Heaven and smiling widely at these weekend dinners that we have together.

🙂

Oz for 26th!

I have been a fervent fan of Oz stuffs for as long as I can remember but I can hardly get them shipped over due to customs’ regulations! However, I have checked these wonderful Australian brands can ship to Singapore and two of them have books available online for order. What’s not to love about Australia? I am crazy enough to try their GSD & detox tea which was created by a Naturopath who can’t be more smarter and crazy-hot than him!

(I thank the Good Lord for such wonderful souls who look so absolutely smashing that his smile is enough to make me convert to being a big-time tea lover.  He does loads of good things for everyone too!)

http://www.reececarter.com.au/

Now, any kind sponsors out there? My birthday is just round the corner!

🙂

SumT GSD

KI2

Senso

SumT Detox

KI

Useful sites to refer to are:

http://sumt.com.au/

http://www.kaylaitsines.com.au/

http://www.senso.com.au/shop

2 Ramadan 1435 Hijrah

Image

It was a morning of Ramadan that I woke up tad bit late for 8 o’clock work. I saw Mum sitting on the bed and fiddling with her phone and I asked whether she had eaten her sahur that morning. Mum shot me an absolutely blank face and asked me back.

“What sahur?”

I patiently told her that today is indeed fasting month and she needs to get up pronto to prepare food for herself and brother to eat before Subuh but again, the bewildered look was washed all over her face and she asked me again,

“What sahur? When did we sahur? It is Ramadan already?”

She got off the bed, walked to the kitchen table and then asked me again what day was it today and why are we hurrying to prepare to eat in the morning. Trust me, it all my years living with her, I have never seen her in such a blank state. I couldn’t gather my thoughts as to what exactly happened to her but I could only gathered that she needs help along the way or else she will be completely lost. I hurriedly placed all my bathing articles in the toilet and helped her in the kitchen. Mum would wash the cups half-way then stop awhile and ask me repeatedly;

“What day is it today, what is the date, how many days have we fasted and why are we fasting today?

Only the Lord knows how I managed to muster so much patience given that I was already late for work by a good half an hour. It just felt as though I felt the despair Mum felt and I can only hope that she will walk out of this blank and empty state as soon as she can. The good thing that I am thankful for was that her memory just happened to be wiped out of the events that happened yesterday. Somehow or rather, she was able to remember what happened on the day before yesterday but she wasn’t able to register the details of what happened in the later part of the day.

Somehow I knew in my deepest of hearts that something was clearly “off” about Mum but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Perhaps she woke up too sudden? Perhaps she was still on her deep sleep state? Perhaps her medication was still running high on her bloodstream? Perhaps she fell while everyone else was sleeping? Perhaps she was losing her mind? Perhaps. Those questions remained unanswered and will always be.

Anything could have caused it. Anyone could’ve missed it. Maybe it was meant to be that way. The sudden loss of memory on Mum decapitated me; I felt numb on the inside. I felt as though I was on the brink of losing someone dear again. I mean, who wakes up one fine morning and forgets everything? I thought those things only happened to goldfish? In all honesty, that is what I was think will happen to me. That I will be losing my memory one fine day and forget everything. I always prayed that it happened to me and not to anyone else. Especially Mum! She looked lost. Painfully lost as though she wants to try to remember but her brain just could not function right. Something looked clearly off about her.

The most heartbreaking moment had to be when I was about to leave home for work and I told her to take care and then she cried and said,

” Dear, Ma can’t remember anything? What’s wrong? Why am I like this? What day is it today? Today is Ramadan?” Then she gritted her teeth and sobbed quietly.

Walking away from her was definitely the hardest part of my day. Despite the fact that I was being late for work, the thought of walking away from a sad Mum who remained inconsolable was harder to bear.

The whole time I was at work, I was trying to be as focused as I could but I know Mum was very close in my mind. When I got home, she looked as though she’s back to 80% in her normal state. She baffled me further when she asked me what happened in the morning as she had no recollections of it at all.

I could only smile and said,

“Nothing happened Ma, you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

I think she deserved so much more after the loss of Dad that none of us know how empty she feels inside. After the incident today, I began to see her as a person who wants to move on so badly but there’s too much memories stored in the last 35 years of her life that 1 year isn’t sufficient for her to move on but I do hope and pray that she will not give up in trying to move on well past that stage where she lost the love of her life to destiny.

I am not one to question God’s will but I know He does know that she is a strong woman who will overcome all obstacles in her and our family’s way. But I am also aware that her heart is not the same now that her love is in God’s arms and this Ramadan will be the most trying Ramadan she’ll ever have to face alone. It’ll be her first. But I do hope, with all of our support, she will pull through. Stronger than ever before. I never imagined living a life without a father at 25. But I can’t quite imagine a life devoid of a mother if she is hanging in a limbo of the past and the present.

Hope

Stay strong Mummy. It isn’t going to be easy but I am sure you will pull through; we are all rallying around you. every step of the way. Insha Allah.

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 12:

Two words: SELF LOVE.

We all have highly experienced inner meaniepants aka internal critics and saboteurs, but don’t practice loving ourselves enough. Self love is the cornerstone to a life that works and works well!

Today, list 10 things (yes, TEN) you love/like/appreciate about you. Stand in front of a mirror and say them, write them down, tell a friend, email me, or get creative with the prompt any which way you want.

It’s time you saw yourself as others see you, sparklepants! As the gorgeous, amazing, talented, creative, loving, compassionate and authentic person that you are.

xo, Tia

Carrie Says

10 Things I love /  like / appreciate about ME:

  1. I love how large my eyes are  and how seductive my mole sits on the outer rim of my eyes.
  2. I love how sexy the nape of my neck is and how the curve form right down to my hips.
  3. I love the fact that I have a generous set of hips which means I should hope for more kids! 🙂
  4. I love my fiercely independent nature of my being that won’t answer to any other man except for my parents.
  5. I love that I am financially independent and can have enough funds for my foreseeable future and family.
  6. I love that I can make others smile just by my warm smile and friendly persona.
  7. I love that I do not have Facebook so as to maintain that aura of mystery within me.
  8. I love that I am highly protective of my circle of family and friends and I don’t let naysayers affect any of them.
  9. I love that I have great ambitions to spur me further into the future; it’s just about getting the timing right!
  10. I love that streak of adventure within me that isn’t dampened by the forces of circumstances; I am willing to work hard for it so as to ensure a better life for myself and my family.

🙂

PS: I can actually do more than 10 if I was given the choice! Teehee.

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 11:

Forgiveness. It’s time to start forgiving yourself for mistakes you’ve made, ‘wrong’ decisions you’ve taken and ‘right’ ones you haven’t. If you want to be happy and more energetic, you’ve got to DUMP the baggage you’re carrying around!

Lighten the load on your back, neck, shoulders and heart as you let go of anything that’s not serving you. It doesn’t belong in your bright, gorgeous, happy and fulfilling life 🙂

What will you forgive yourself for and move on from today? 

Be gentle with yourself – this is NOT an invitation to beat yourself up, it’s an invitation to free yourself. Confidence comes from seeing mistakes and failures as a part of life, and not making them mean something negative about *you* as a person.

I’m excited to see what you’re saying goodbye to so please do share 🙂

Forgiveness

There are definitely many mistakes that I have made throughout the course of the twenty over years of my life and most of them led me to where I am now.  Among those mistakes that I have made, they have to revolve around my wrong choices in choosing a partner or what my girlfriends call it, Mr Right Now.

I had a tumultuous and tempestuous long-term relationship with a schoolmate which ended acrimoniously during my graduation and that had definitely left the greatest impact in my life thus far. It has taught me not to trust others too easily and to never give 100% of my time and effort to one man only until he is the one with whom I will call my husband.

Alas, I am a trusting person. I trust others truly easily so it’s little wonder that I never seemed to learn from that painful chapter in my life. I had sudden but brief exposures to suicide, abuse and also betrayal that I never thought I would actually come out of the chapter alive and virtually unscathed. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a tight knit of friends who have seen me in my biggest ups and greatest downfalls and are not afraid to help me up when the going gets tough.

Many, many failed relationships later, I vowed not to love another man anymore as I fear that another heartbreak will crucify my sanity but I guess my current love managed to overcome that aspect of me. With him (as how I was with my previous ex-boyfriends), I was completely transparent with my past. I told him all the nasty things I have done, all the rebellion inside of me that’s hungry to be set free and also, the hope that by being honest, he would be able to accept me with all of my imperfections. He remained quiet throughout the bouts of episodes that I throw tantrums and confided my deepest secrets. Not once did he questioned my reasons for doing what I did. In fact, he never raised his voice at me. I thought that was weird as I was used to being hurled abuse by the ex-boyfriend that it took a long time to understand that…

It’s okay not to hurt another person verbally or physically. It is the right thing to not lay a hand on anyone. Inflicting pain on another person is downright wrong.

I thought our relationship was destined to doom eventually but… Close to four years of friendship and three years of love later, he still tells me everyday that he loves me unconditionally and that regardless of what mistakes I have done in the past as it doesn’t matter to him. What matters to him is the current me and the future me that he wants to plan a future with. I guess that is where the forgiveness came from.

I learnt to forgive when I was shown the right to forgive myself in the eyes of another and to me, that is the greatest gift I can ask from anyone for myself. Forgiveness for myself is a healing experience. It was a long, long time coming but I am glad I opened myself up to this healing process. It is as though all the negativity and disappointment perish to make way to something greater than holding back. Since my birthday is coming in a few days,  I am going on another path to forgive my past 25 years of mistakes that I have yet to find the time to forgive and heal.

I hope you readers will feel the power that forgiveness has on you.
It truly feels like a miracle.
Good vibes everyday everyone!

🙂

One Act I am Dying to Watch: Le Noir

Le Noir

They have been in Singapore for their debut show in March and only recently came back for a second season earlier this month. I know the love does not appreciate arts and music the way that I do but I truly, truly, truly wish my best friend, Ms Maris Stella Djuli is back in Singapore as I am very confident she will share the same sentiment as I do towards cultured art. The second show ends on June 29th and that’s like a good two days away! I can only salivate and go gooey-eyed over the stills and short clips but I can guarantee that nothing  can beat the true experience of sitting in the theater and experiencing the full magic of a live show.

😦

Le Noir 1

Le Noir 2

Le Noir 3

Le Noir 4

Oh Le Noir, if only I can get a little rendezvous with you.

PS: Watch the video and be astounded by their magic!

WEEK 2: Intuition, Confidence, Vibe Raisers!

For today’s mini task, think about something that’s been on your mind. Take a deep breath in for a count of 4, slowly breathe out for a count of 8. Do this 2 more times.

Now imagine that you just got a text from God / the Universe / your higher self (whatever works for you).

What does it say? Don’t 2nd guess or try to direct it, just let the answer come to you.

The text from ___ is a fantastic way to tune out your monkey mind and tune into the intuitive part of you that KNOWS everything. Allow it to help you and guide you!

*

I am thinking of changing my diet and lifestyle and incorporating a healthy diet in it. With Ramadhan creeping in next week, I have the intention to eat clean and live cleaner. I was greatly inspired when I was having lunch with a colleague who gyms every morning before she goes in to work. I am not the best morning person around but I like the fact that gym keeps her active and “awake” during the long hours ploughing in front of the laptop and through the endless meetings. Isn’t that so great? She’s even on Kayla’s BBG too; on Week 4 no less and I can feel the positive vibes that she has garnered from all of her morning regime!

I was contemplating  doing the Kayla Itsines work out before I resume fasting on normal workdays but that would mean that I will be up at 3am in the mornings for gym and 5am for a meal before fasting and sleeping by 8pm on weekday nights. I am not sure if I can but I feel excited just thinking about it. However, I think many detractors will think that I am going insane, heh. I think even the love and family will think I am too.

😀

WEEK 2: Intuition, Confidence, Vibe Raisers!

Day 6

Lightly reflect on what makes YOU feel this good, this in-the-flow, this amazing. IF you’re inspired, do it today / this weekElse, just soak in the energy and vibe.

Happy BRAND new week!

xo, Tia

 

 What keeps me motivated on Mondays? Going for hours-long gym on Sundays! Truly, I enjoy burning the lactic acids off the previous week and start the new week on a brand new and revived mode. I never thought the day would come that I enjoy burning calories this much but two years on, I dare say I am! Sundays are my fun days as I get to enjoy burning fats and simply, spend quiet pockets of time just to be silent and refocus my energies and thinking on things that I would like to achieve for the following week. Sort of my idea of a me-time moment which in time keeps me happy and healthy.

Working Out

WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

Day 3:

 

1) Close your eyes and think about a peak experience in your life – when you were truly happy, feeling good, on top of the world. It could be when you were a child, a teen, an adult, doesn’t matter.

2) Now, relive the experience: What’s been happening? Where are you & what are you doing? Feeling? Who is around? What’s making you smile about this moment? Use all your senses to really immerse yourself in the experience you are remembering.

3) What is the essence or quality that you feel most? Joy? Accomplishment? Peace? Love? Freedom? Fulfillment? 

Now, with this word in mind, allow an image or symbol to come to you, that represents this feeling. Don’t worry if nothing comes to you immediately, just focus on the feeling and sensations in your body instead and make a note of them.

There are one too many experiences in my life that can be considered a peak experience. I will just relive the happiness that I felt yesterday when I was enroute to the gym. I had this surge of excitement even though I was lacking sleep from the night before from all the excitement of the World Cup.

Sometimes it’s really funny how one can actual find the happiness in the simplest of  ideas and I guess it had been a long time coming since I was so happy to be able to gym on a beautiful Sunday even though it was raining particularly heavy when I was enroute gym. I even had this sentenced muttered when I was walking to the gym,

“Rain all you want God, all the rain isn’t going to stop me from going to the gym!” 🙂

Gym

Upon reaching the gym, I was in ultra high spirits! I greeted everyone in the gym like the usual gym-rats and also strike a long conversation with the gym receptionist! When I was beginning my workouts, I had the bubbliness and a smile that was infectious! I couldn’t stop smiling as I was truly happy to my core knowing that I made the effort to go to the gym even when it was a Sunday and I am taking small but necessary steps to nourish my body better than before I started gym awhile back! Maybe that is how it was like to be radiating happiness but I totally love it!

Happiness; in its totality was what I felt. The sensation that I feel? It felt as though I was basking in a ray of sunshine. I felt warm and fuzzy inside as though I was experiencing the first sight of my love. As what my mantra is now, good vibes good vibes!

🙂

WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

Day 2 prompt:

So how was the values exercise for you? On a scale of 1-10, are you living life or making decisions aligned with your values? 

Today, let’s play the Eagle & Ant game! Take a current challenge / issue you have and look at it from close up like an Anty Antikins (BE the Ant).

Now, move back further.. further… further … till you’re an Elegant Eagle in the sky and look at it again. What happens? What do you see, hear, feel, think in each situation?

If inspired, choose a perspective to be in today and look at everything from that angle.

Write, talk about it, think, or share in the FB group. There’s no one way to do this, just YOUR way.

On a scale from 1- 10, I believe I am doing a 7 in aligning myself  with my values. The values exercise has helped me realize that all along, I have been holding on to the same set of values and it is a great feeling knowing that I am grounded by a similar set of  values all along. At least I know I am in no way swaying between sides and is not sure what drives me.

🙂

I have a few challenge that I would like to overcome in the next coming months and years. The short-term goal that I would like to overcome is to increase my fitness for the coming months to be a better, leaner and fitter version of myself. In all honesty, I do feel overwhelmed when I think about the huge investment I am going to put myself in for the next few months to continue to dedicate my free time to changing my lifestyle for the better with the inclusion of fitness in my day-to-day motion. I guess that is where Anty Antikins come into play?

There are times that I feel the easiest way out is the best way to do things but as I grew older, I have come to realize that easy does not always gets things done. Even if it does, there’s a high chance that I am not satisfied with the end result.

However, if I do take a step back and be an Elegant Eagle, I believe I can do a fabulous job of working my butt off at the gym with that grueling course. I am not sweating for a wedding in the near future but I am excited to know that I am doing my part to nourish my body with the right fitness and eating lifestyle so that the future-old me won’t have to worry so much about her health and instead, be able to live life to the fullest. I have been gym-ing the last two years and I know I can incorporate gym into my current work-life schedule. I just need to be persistent and be able to see through my goals till the end of the course cycle and hopefully, repeat the cycle for as long as I am able to.

🙂

I’m feeling the excitement, I shall strive to have the excitement burst out of all of my activities today and hopefully, shape up to an exciting mid-week! Here’s wishing everyone a happy and exciting week ahead as well. Lots of love!

Success!

26th!

As I write the lines for this post, we are inching closer to the fasting month and also, my birthday month. As most of my friends already know, I always set up dares / challenges on the days leading up to my birthday to challenge myself out of my comfort zone ever since I was 15. In all honesty, I have not completed my 25th birthday challenge as aside from being swamped with work and family, I have yet to overcome the trypanophobia that I have. Nevetheless, I look forward to seeing my skin get pierced and blood extracted (hopefully real soon!) and complete that mission to donate blood.

On another note, I have decided to attempt a whole new set of goals for 26th birthday and that is to purchase and complete the entire 4 month long program from Kayla Itsines ‘s (@kaylaitsines) cool Bikini Body Guide program!

Image

http://www.kaylaitsines.com.au/bikini-body-guides/bikini-body-training-guide

I guess every since my recurring ankle injury two years ago, I have been more conscious of the efforts that I put in for my health and fitness and this would be a good transition and goal to commit to for the long-run. Another motivation that I have is my late father, I don’t want to go through what he went through during his life as I know it was a tough way to survive with bone and blood cancer raging all of your insides. It is painful and if there is a way that I can care for my body now and nourish it with the best nutrients that I can find, I would do exactly that. My action to be lean and healthy doesn’t stemmed from vanity. My motivation to change for the better is the result of seeing how the remaining years of our lives can be shortened just because we don’t take active steps to lead a healthier life when we are at our prime.

Here’s hoping for greater things to come and an even healthier, leaner me to see in the next few months!

XX

Miffed by Cortisol

Sales

I have been working for the last seven years of my life since graduating from school in numerous industries and I have never looked into delving into the line of sales. It was until recently that I feel that there is a reason to consider trying out sales to further hone my skills in something that I am not familiar with.

So I tried sales and although 70% of the time was spent happily serving potential consumers and giving my best in terms of customer service, I admit that I am not a pushy person by nature. Somehow, the remaining 30% of negative experience is actually detrimental to my easy-going nature as I feel that I am close to becoming an even pushier person now.

It is one thing to be a sales person in a slow-moving industry but I draw my lines at potential customers who fan all over me and when after two or three appointments, they feign ignorance of their initial interest. I don’t quite understand how people can consider being so friendly and nice one time and rude and nonchalant after that. They come across as two-faced. What ever happened to sincerity? I rather be turned away by a polite person than a person who “pretends” to be interested one minute and then says in a condescending tone that the are no longer interested.

I have to keep reminding myself not to take their words too seriously.

At the end of the day, my purpose in the sales line is mainly to gain practical knowledge on how to further boost my confidence in talking to random strangers, improve my telephone etiquette and so on but sometimes, those small negative things do hamper my spirit. Picking up new skills is the best asset I can walk away with from the sales line as trust me, it is true that sales doesn’t pay you well in terms of a basic salary but truthfully, the commissions are the reason why so many people last there for so so long.

I don’t foresee myself to last long in this industry but I do hope the lessons I learn now will help to make me a better asset to the next organization that I am going to set my sights on. I always have to keep reminding myself to take all the negativity with a pinch of salt like the saying,

“Exhale the bad, inhale the good.”

Well, I’ve got to do more inhaling now.

Follow-up calls all afternoon yesterday was remotely depressing.

I should go and kick out the excessive cortisol running through my bloodstream pronto.

The End of a February Nightmare

I admit that I have been immensely involved in work the last few months that I have been quiet online. Aside from having a new phone and having Instagram ( @ellyzselamat ) as a part of enlarging my scope of social network, I have been one too busy to write down the thoughts that have been omnipresent somewhere in the regions of my brain.

I have been lucky to be able to seek solace in reading. Presently I am reading a memoir of a breast-cancer survivor and it hadn’t been an easy book to read given that her life experiences veer real close to what I have been going through the many, many years ago before Daddy turned his light off on the dawn of 17th July 2013.

Papa, I miss you terribly and though everyone says or thinks that I am doing well, I admit that I am only human. Trust me, there are horrific days that I wake up thinking of how you left me and the topsy-turvy emotions that I feel every now and then. It feels as though I am battling some mental disorder of sorts. Psychosis or something? I genuinely hope not.

Anyway, I hope this would be a good start to writing online all over again and may this writing never fail in bringing out the words and the grief in me that I keep locked inside.

Here’s wishing one and all a beautiful day wherever you are, xoxo

Moving On,

Sometimes I forget that I’ve started this site when I was still an incumbent; a mere child trying to be all adult about things. When I read the negative comments that I’ve garnered over the years over some of my (I dare say) controversial posts, I realized how far I have grown over the last 4 years that I penned my thoughts to writing. Funny how when you read what you read last time, you shirk in disbelief at the level of immaturity over some of the most non-significant episodes in my life. For example, my writing on the airline recruitment that I’ve attended over the years.

Gone are the days when I try to be somebody that I am not but also, there a the days that have gone too whereby I learnt to grow up and evolve into a better person this moment on. I shall not delete my controversial posts from yesteryear not to cultivate hate among some of my passionate readers. Instead, I leave them in here so as a reminder to myself on how far I’ve evolved from a then-girl with sky-high levels of insecurity to a woman who embraces her imperfections and accepts the trials and tribulations that God has set aside for me. For my long-time readers, I am sure you are able to see my growth through the years and the pages of my writing and I would like to extend my deepest thanks for sticking by me through them all.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow. – Mary Anne Radmacher.

With much love from me to all of you out there. Have a blessed week ahead while I head off to the gym to exercise those gams that’s been on idle for way too long.

XX