You were a great man when you gave up your everything to see my smile.
However, it is real unfortunate that I didn’t forgive you the instant that you made that grave mistake by my balcony and I reacted by shutting you out of my life entirely. Call me childish but honestly, I can’t quite take it back as the moment has already passed and there are only lessons to be learnt.
Also, one thing I guess you already learnt about me is that I move on real fast solely because, I am not one to harp over the past. I packed my bags and left, moving on to the next available man there was. It wasn’t because I didn’t have the heart nor carry the feelings for you no more than, I still did, I just vacuumed the feeling and shelved it away. Choosing to love another man who is better at loving and taking care of me.
I’m sure my immediate choice after you was a questionable one as that man I chose over you doesn’t fall under the category of “my type” but I disregarded all that list I had and just went ahead with loving the imperfect person he was.
On the eleventh month of 2011, we broke up acrimoniously and he left a huge depressing black hole within me.
From that, I learnt one thing, I was capable of loving a purely imperfect and maniacal devil yet still be able to accept him as he is. He wasn’t the perfect boyfriend for an independent person like me. He’d fetch me everyday, every night even when I protest but he did that out of concern. But he had the same negative quality you had. He was an immensely jealous boyfriend, far worse than you. He was an ingredient of my everyday so much so that when he cheated on me over a colleague in his workplace, I was beyond bonkers. I went insane as he was capable of going from loving me intensely yesterday, breaking up with me over text today and be caught by my best friend canoodling with another woman tomorrow.
Being with him taught me many things but at the same time, he took away my independent identity. I grew into a dependant woman even I hate to see in the mirror. I became the trophy girlfriend coveted by his guy friends as I was much smarter, classier, prettier, richer and sweeter than his ex-es. I hang out with them for supper on most nights even after work to the point that it took its toll on my work and I dropped out of Fast-Track Program because I was too gooey-eyed in love to notice the ripple effect. Suddenly, I had so many new friends that my career didn’t matter. I rode on bikes, had my own helmet and was this close to signing up for Class 2B.
But at the back of my mind, I never stopped being concerned about you.
I know the park incident was too ugly to be remembered considering that you & I have spent many, many nights under the moonlight. In fact, I think it wasn’t necessary that I got my then-boyfriend to tell you that things between us was clearly over. In fact it was the mistake which proved to be my biggest downfall in love. I let a man rule my life to the point that he answered to being my backbone and my everything. He was everything that you weren’t. He was rowdy, unlike your quiet demeanour and basically, a huge mistake too. Before I found out he cheated on me, I was taking great pains to get him back. Even Reaus who was my BFF at work took the time off work to help pull me out of the rut I was in. Like what Reaus said, I was a complete shadow of my former self and needed help.
But upon realising that I was being taken for a ride again, this time by that douchebag, I saw history repeating itself. I saw love as pain. It reminded me of Izzat, of you and of every single failed relationship I’ve had. But it also made me realise that among all the failed relationships I’ve had, the one I had with you was the one I wished I could recover and revert back. Partly because, you remained the sweetheart you were then and even till now and the other reason was that my family thinks really highly of you as you acted like the perfect gentleman even after our love story concluded.
I take my hats off to you Muzzy, you were brilliant then, and you remained equally brilliant now. I just wished things between us weren’t this hostile now as I feel that the tables have been turned and it’s you whose turning me away now. My current love knows about you and your existence, he has acknowledged your presence and has no qualms about me being friends with you.
I’ll never forget you for you were a part of my history and will always be in my good thoughts as aside from that balcony incident, you never do anything wrong unto me. For all that good memories and then some, thank you boy. You were the perfect man at the perfect time but I suppose now, the perfect time has faded away between us. If I bump into on the street, I’ll definitely stop to say hello for you are one person I don’t even want to say goodbye to.
After all, the rainbow umbrella continues to be the one distinctive thing I carry to remind me that no matter how gloomy or heavy the rain maybe, I can always look up to my umbrella and I’ll see gorgeous colors of a rainbow in place each time, everytime.