Moving On,

Sometimes I forget that I’ve started this site when I was still an incumbent; a mere child trying to be all adult about things. When I read the negative comments that I’ve garnered over the years over some of my (I dare say) controversial posts, I realized how far I have grown over the last 4 years that I penned my thoughts to writing. Funny how when you read what you read last time, you shirk in disbelief at the level of immaturity over some of the most non-significant episodes in my life. For example, my writing on the airline recruitment that I’ve attended over the years.

Gone are the days when I try to be somebody that I am not but also, there a the days that have gone too whereby I learnt to grow up and evolve into a better person this moment on. I shall not delete my controversial posts from yesteryear not to cultivate hate among some of my passionate readers. Instead, I leave them in here so as a reminder to myself on how far I’ve evolved from a then-girl with sky-high levels of insecurity to a woman who embraces her imperfections and accepts the trials and tribulations that God has set aside for me. For my long-time readers, I am sure you are able to see my growth through the years and the pages of my writing and I would like to extend my deepest thanks for sticking by me through them all.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow. – Mary Anne Radmacher.

With much love from me to all of you out there. Have a blessed week ahead while I head off to the gym to exercise those gams that’s been on idle for way too long.

XX

The Separation

And when I arrived safely in Singapore shores after five days of self-discovery, I was real glad to know that Hubs was waiting ever-so-patiently at the airport even though my flight was delayed by a good 1.5 hours from KL. Only the Lord know how the separation felt like and why we both felt that way.

Never had this feeling before, strangely enough but that’s not going to stop me from travelling for another 85 days collectively to match his Manchester study trip when he reads medicine abroad after his National Service.

I was glad to be away but I was even more glad to be back, more so in his arms and his familiar Hulk hug and gob-smacking kiss.

ūüôā

‘Cos Where One Man Left, Another Walked In

Sometimes I realize that despite the number of heartbreaks and lonely nights I have to go through, The Almighty has His own ways of making me feel that I’m never alone. When I left Hairi, shortly after, Daddy had a pretty hard time with his health. His cancer took a tumble for the worse and suddenly, I felt the strong need to be there every waking minute ‘cos when someone’s at Stage 4 of any kind of Cancer, his chances of living a long and healthy life goes down to zilch. The person will live with every single second of breath granted to him as a miracle from God.

Now, that I am practically all alone and single, I thought I’ll just crumble under the pressures at work and home as my life revolves around a tough 12-hour shift at work and another 12 at the hospital. I didn’t know who to turn to till one day I just broke down and cried at work when Mummy called saying that Daddy collapsed and he’s in High Dependency Unit ‘cos doctors suspected he had a heart attack.

Only He knows whatever thing was going through my head. I couldn’t continue at work, I’ve lost my bearings, my focus that I thought sooner or later I’ll check myself into IMH. But He being The One Who Knows Everything, granted me a second shot at everything. He gave me a Guardian Angel to be by my side through the numerous times I was in & out taking care of Daddy.

He granted my wish to never be alone,
he gave me Sunshine.

He gave me hope;

hope that things will get better

hope that Daddy will ultimately recover

hope that when he graduates from med school, he’ll find a cure for Multiple Myeloma

hope that our family will remain ever strong and resilient for Daddy

hope that Mummy will continue to be Daddy’s backbone

hope that Daddy will eventually live as long as he could to see me settle down some day

hope that Daddy will get to see Ilhan go to primary school

hope that somehow one way or another, a miracle will happen for daddy

hope that he’ll get the bone marrow transplant if that keeps him breathing for longer

hope that Daddy will keep fighting the cancer and emerge stronger than ever before

hope that I’ll never have to go through hard times alone

hope that when I get myself an appointment with the MSW, he’ll be there by my side

hope that when I break down and cry, he’ll be there to hug to till my bones break so that I won’t cry

hope that when I feel like I’m going through tough times alone, he’s just a call or taxi away

hope that when I feel darkness is looming ahead, I have the arc reactor he made me to poof the darkness away.

hope that when I see a rainbow, he’ll run to one end of it to find my pot of gold while I find the other

hope that when I am cold, I can just hug him and feel completely safe.

hope that when I feel insecured about waking up to go to work when my heart is clearly at my father’s side, he’ll keep Daddy company on my behalf

hope that when I feel like giving up, he’ll be there to make sure I don’t

hope that Daddy will get to feel and taste what my paycheck can give him in return for him taking care of me all these years

*

He’s not a boyfriend in an official kind of way. We both feel that that term is too vague to be used since we’ve known each other since the time I joined Macs in 2010. Our bond is special and unique in a certain kind of way and I do care for him immensely and will do anything to keep him happy and smiling but love? Nah, let’s not complicate matters and take it a day at a time shall we? I’d prefer keeping things between us the way it is as I fear losing a dear friend should our relationship break down and crumble every memory we have together. Plus like what I’ve always believed,

“If he’s yours, set him free. If he comes back, he’s meant to be.”

So as I’ve mentioned, He has His ways to keep me from feeling alone.

He gave me Sunshine;

He gave me a reason to continue fighting to stay strong for Daddy.

XOXO for the Sunshine ūüôā

Life As We Know It

… and so, after an absolutely long time spent away from the blogging world; I’m back writing here again on what’s been going on in my life. I dare say that 2011 has been the mother of all challenges I have faced throughout the last twenty-three years of my life.

But Alhamdulillah, although I’ve stumbled and fall countless times, with each fall being even more painful than the last, I count myself lucky as I’ve not quite given up on living and giving up on myself altogether. Sure, being human, I do have my fair share of grumbles, discontentment and wishing things is much rosier than it seems now but honestly, I’m sure there are far more people out there who prefer living my life as compared to theirs, right? After all, humans aren’t a contented sort and like what someone wise said,

“.. Don’t ever curse your life just ‘cos you are in what you presume is the mother of all deep shit. Believe in the notion that there are others who are in far greater shit than you.”

I believe in that and that belief keeps me going everytime I feel like giving up. Granted, I want a happy ending to everything in my life. Alas, we are only humans living imperfect lives and trying to make whatever imprefections as perfect as our wills can carry.

Knights in Shining Armour

I’ve reached a point in my life whereby I¬† go on invitation to dinner dates with different guys at a span of a few days. I’m not proud to tell the world that I am dating a couple of guys at once but since I am very much single, I don’t see any harm it has on me since all the guys already know where they stand, right?

Sometimes I do lose track who I go out wth but that is not to say that I am so full of dates that I should be proud of it. Sometimes I do feel happy knowing that a guy is bringing me out to a fanciful dinner at Scotts or something like that. (A bonus is if we have reat chemistry like Hubs & BB). Other times, I wish I can just settle down with one someone who can date me every single day of my life and he need not worry about me getting bored of him.

Will I ever find such a man to begin with?

That’s the first question. My second question will be,

“Will I ever not get sick of going on dates with the same guy for the rest of my life?”

I’m sure the guy I marry will answer yes to my two questions but I guess until that actually happens, I’ll just keep my feelings to myself and make sure I don’t settle down so fast with the first knightin shining armour.

For all I know, all that glitters isn’t exactly gold. Or it could be worse; cheap plastic.

Happy Birthday to You

Today would be your 23rd Birthday.

It isn’t sad that I remember birth dates so well. It’s just sad that I continue to remember the birth dates of those people who are left behind in my past. Well, here goes, for memory’s sake:

Hello Ex-boyfriend, today is your special day and I wish you well.
Hope this date marks a special piece of memory that you can carry on till your twilight years.
I’m sure you’ll have a blast and I have nothing more than good thoughts for you.
Cheers to an extra happy life, with the extra special people in your life.

Much regards,

The Ex-Girlfriend.

* * * * *

Funny I still continue to be kind to people who have done ill unto me. Maybe I was born a with a forgiving nature. Or perhaps, I am just too nice. Either way, I’m not making anyone else’s life difficult so why bother holding back right ?

The past is past, there’s a reason why certain people don’t make it to our future.
Only The Almighty has the answer for that.

A Great Loss

You’ve planned so many things in my departure, are you sure about fulfilling all of them ? I know you are doing all that to make up for lost time but really, the only reason why I walked away is because I find your dreams tad bit impulsive and too many to deal with at any given time. Sometimes I wish you’d just take a break from it all and just focus all your energy in one dream, accomplish it and then go on to the next dream.

Remember the quote, “Jack of all trades, Master of none..”?

I wish I can reach out to you but I know I can’t. I can only watch you from afar and pray that you’ll come to your senses quickly.

Run (Cover)

I’m thinking of running away but his voice keeps me sane.
Then actually, I’ve run away from hell at work by taking leave.
Hurhur, at least I’ve completed all outstanding tasks before jetting off.
I’m childish to most of you superiors but at least, I’m responsible and reliable.

This song is a Leona Lewis cover done by YouTube sensation, Sam Tsui. I dare say he sings it better than the original singer herself.

Run (Cover Version)
by
Sam Tsui

Parisian Glamour

I don’t know if it is the photographer, camera or the subjects he takes; they all look effortless and perfect each time, every time. There has to be some magic hidden beneath the Parisian skies that everyone else around the globe is dying to figure out.

Credits to: The Sartorialist

Life Snuffed Out

… just like that.

Just like that he went away to be in The Almighty’s arms. Quietly, ever-so-peaceful and definitely no pain. But the fact that remains is that he is gone and I have to bear the brunt of losing something so close to me. Why does heartbreaks¬†like this sort always happen? Why can’t things, people, animals and so forth; you know, the good things in one person’s life last forever?

¬†I remember my ex-boyfriend saying that nothing lasts forever unless it’s a miracle.

But then again, Joby’s presence has always been like a miracle to me everyday that I never imagined a life without him. Perhaps I grew too accustomed to having him waiting ever so patiently for me when I kick my heels after a long day at work, or when I am having lunch at home and he bites the cage to signal his intention to eat lunch with me or maybe, just maybe, I find his presence to be the closest to peace for me ever since Grams passed away.

It’s kind of hard to write out this post and obviously my WP has been left hanging for so long just because I refuse to come to terms with the fact that I am writing about my hamster which passed away yesterday morning. It felt so weird to actually hold him and instead of feeling warmth, all that I felt was a cold fur that blankets the tiny body of the Joby I once knew. He left when I was asleep in the morning, maybe he didn’t want to see me cry too much. Maybe he was contented with having me to stay up with him till 4 in the morning to watch him sleep. Maybe he was happy that on his final few hours, I cradled him in my palm and moving as little muscle as possible so that I won’t disturb his sleeping. For once, he sat real still in my arms. It felt as though he already knew his time was running out and he wanted to feel the warmth of another living being.

His death was, I hope, not a painful one as when I got up and looked at him in the morning, he looked so peaceful. So peaceful that even Mum, the “toughie” shedded¬†tears. It felt so wrong to be digging the pot of empty land in my balcony to accommodate my hamster. Why can’t he just stay alive with me in the cage? I will promise to be an even better care-giver. I’ll do anything to get him back. After all, he was love in its purest form.

If loving someone would be as easy as loving him, I would gladly give my entire out to a man the same way I gave it to him. He taught me so much despite the “language barrier”; he squeaks while I talk. But at the end of the day, he renewed that loss of faith in love. He made me become a better person, never complaining even when I rant on and on about my bad days. Loyalty was second to none, he was a hamster with a dog’s characteristics. Or maybe, that’s just a universal animal trait. After all, loyalty is such a rarity in humans that people like me – who have given up on a monogamous relationship with a man – have resorted to seeking love and companionship in an furry friend.

I will miss you Joby, always.

*

A fact that you should know, I am writing this post exactly one month after Joby passed away. Today is February 24th 2010 and it has taken me that long to write out this post. It also brings to show how much I still am pining for Joby to be back in the same cage just like when he used to. One month on and I still am sad just thinking about the day he went away. My tears still flows freely without much resistance from my eyes, a testament to the statement that I am still in the grieving stage. But life goes on; easier said than done though.

WOW in TNP (Sunday Edition)

For those of you who want to know even more about Combat Skirmish (A subsidary¬†of The WOW Experience), here’s today’s The New Paper (Sunday Edition) which features one of the activities available in our company. Also, it is one of the two most popular activities in WOW apart from Water ZOVB!

ūüôā

Here are the players from the Dating Challenge (they were playing last week but the feature was slated for today only!) feature in The New Paper with a fraction of our guns and harnesses:

Here’s the two-page feature on the centre-page of The New Paper on Sunday, dated December 13th 2009:

I’ve conveniently zoomed in to the write-up and it will be in the next three pictures!

I am proud to say that I was one of the three WOW staff who was involved in coordinating the actual day of the event although the photographers did not add any pictures with us in it.

ūüė°

I guess the three of us are too cute for the cameras and may inadvertently steal the limelight from the Dating Challenge people?

But anyway, if you guys are interested on conducting anything outdoors, you know who to call yeah? The numbers are all there but if you want an even faster response, leave a comment in my WP here. After all, I am working with WOW and would gladly help to create the ideal outdoor party for you, your brothers, your  your uncles, your cousins and so forth; you get the drift!

ūüėČ

Houston, We Have A Problem!

Today, a bloody (and I mean literally) accident happened during the last mission for my workslot¬†at NTU with 36 NTU undergraduates from the CAC Club. One tall and very charming looking (a little bit metro-ish too) man – I can’t possibly call a 23, 24-year-old¬†“boy” right? – had a very bad fall and went back to my base to seek medical treatment. Being the doctor that wasn’t meant to be, I ran after him to check on the injuries which I reckon wasn just like a grazed knee or something. When he laid down, waiting for the First Aid box to arrive, many people swarmed around him but almost immediately took a step back. I didn’t know why until I made my way through the crowd and what greeted me was definitely the worst injury I’ve ever seen throughout the 20 odd deals I have done with WOW.

He had injuries on five parts of his body; his right palm which has stones cleared embedding the skin, his finger which scrapped through a twig or broken branch on the field, his grazed right knee with a blue-black sign of a future bruise and the worst of all, he tore (yes, tore) the epidermis just below his left knee and it was a bloody, messy sight to behold.

It was so bad that the other men walked aside and had that “induced vomiting” effect when you see something extremely bloody & bad. No guess where the girls were; they were screaming in agony while the actual injured man just laid on the grass as I and another girl attended to him. But where were my three other staff? They stood far, far away despite being made up of two men who have gone through National Service and a woman. Good Lord, I was the youngest among all of them yet I was the one who readily approached the injured man, not knowing what to expect.

It was like a scene straight out of ER or Grey’s Anatomy, only that the injured man isn’t dying but more of turning pale for the extensive loss of blood to the grass that he laid on. The best part was he was superbly brave. He didn’t flinch in pain even though I know the pain must be unbearable since he had five injuries across his body and his skin on his¬†shin / lower knee is dangling precariously in the sea of blood and membrane. I suspected that he has somewhat knocked out the second layer of dermis as the blood was flowing fast and furiously regardless of how all of us tried to stop the bleeding.

I removed any extra debris on his other injuries to prevent complications or the possibility of tetanus while the other girl pressed on the bloodied shin / knee. All this while, not one of my WOW staff came forth to help and neither did the other players from both teams; they gawked. The First Aid kit wasn’t adequately filled up with the all-important iodine solution or alcohol swabs hence we had to improvise by using layers and layers of gauze and sealed that with a thick layer of tissue and plasters to stop the bleeding and after like twenty eternity minutes of attending to him, he was able to stand and have a less gross shin / knee to show everyone. I insisted that one of the guys send him directly to a clinic or hospital to get his shin / knee stitched up and to get a round of tetanus jab before anything happens and I ensured he constantly keeps himself hydrated as he was getting paler by the minutes.

I was thankful that I was there as if I wasn’t, nobody who have been able to offer the proper medical attention to him and he would have possible gone into shock from the extensive loss of blood but at the same time, I wish I was granted the opportunity to be a medical doctor as per what my childhood dream was. I mean, I faced such a brutally gross injury ever witnessed and I had blood all over my hands etc but not once did I freaked out from the blood or the gross-ness of it. Also, I wish I had learnt Biology back in secondary school and also continue to hone my skills in First Aid. I want to be a certified First-Aider and hopefully then, I will be better equipped with even more medical knowledge than the average Joe. But for now, I think I will continue to be the unofficial¬†doctor on call at work.

ūüėÄ

SilkAir Recruitment

I would like to unabashedly declare that after much persuasion and nagging from my second brother, I finally mustered the average energy to get out of my house and respond to this walk-in recruitment on the first day of the two-day interview conducted at SIA Group Club:

Yes, I admit that I was one of “those girls who secretly harbor the dreams of being a high-class waitress in the skies” as that sums up what the stereotypes of stewardesses are. Haha, for those of you who actually know me, I really am not as bimbotic as that liner,

“Coffee, tea or me, Sir?”

However, I attended this recruitment drive only to shut my brother’s mouth up as each time there is an advertisement of an airline who is looking for Cabin Crew, my dearest second brother will dutifully cutout the advert for me and ensure that I follow-up and attend them should I be resounding free during that particular date. I passed upon the Qatar recruitment as I was working, hence since SilkAir¬†was the next one in the advertisements, I decided to go just for the sake of experiencing yet another interview session but in an entirely new setting. As usual, I read up on the company profile beforehand and so forth and was up early¬†for an Indian¬†breakfast before I trotted my way to the location as stated in the above advert. Well, I thought I was early since it was five minutes to noon and it was a Friday and I figured I have nothing to lose as I really don’t have 101% of my heart in it but I was so wrong…

I was greeted by a room filled to the brim with a substantial¬†amount of pretty girls donning concrete-thick make-up and saloon-made coifs that can easily make the real SilkAir¬†girls be put to shame. I am not kidding you. I saw a wide variety of eye-shadow colors ranging from the jade-green which is synonymous to SilkAir’s¬†to even bright neon pinks which screams look at me! I have girls numbering to fifty dressed up in green-colored shirts and sky-high¬†heels and doing their best to sashay around the room with as much confidence as Adriana Lima in her VS lingerie walking on top of broken glass. I had enough girls to fill up a quarter of the Indoor Stadium and they were either there with their friends who are vying for the same job or friends from SilkAir or Singapore Airlines.

I was modestly dressed; dressed in a black lace top and black trousers, feet covered up in bronze flats, wore a pair of dangling earrings and my make-up was nowhere near concrete for sure. Sure, for once in my life, I felt superbly under-dressed.

I braved myself to face the other pretty girls as I figured that hey, just for experience I should just go ahead with the entire process. All the girls were required to fill up the application forms and subsequently, the elimination round #1 begins. Round #1 revolves around height. As you can see they are looking for the minimum¬†height of 158cm in height and at least 210cm on tiptoes¬†so all the girls who were wearing their five-inchers had to remove their towering heels and be more “original” in height. Somehow, I tower over them without even the need to wear any heels. I guess it is because I am 167cm tall. Hee ūüėÄ So for those who don’t reach their requirements, they will be eliminated immediately.

I made it to the next round ūüôā Round two was the one with the killer wait. I was sitting around idly, reading my papers and novel that after a while, I figured it would kill time even more if I make some fast friends. So I did! I made friends with my neighbours around me and that was when I made some startling discoveries of some of the girls who are around my age:

Let’s name them Tasha, Farah & Amanda.

Tasha¬†is a 22-year-old¬†Malay girl who has been married for 1 1/2 years to a man six years her senior over the Internet (read: MySpace) after knowing him for six days and going through a 1 year engagement with him. Farah who looks alot¬†like my DTM¬†friend of the same name is a 23-year-old Indonesian-Malay who is an ex-SilkAir¬†stewardess but already has given birth to three kids; her body doesn’t look one bit like that of a mummy with three kids in tow¬†for sure. As for Amanda, she is the same age as me but she is in a long-term relationship since she was 16 and she is already cohabiting with him and his family and is not intending to marry but merely to move in to another flat with him.

Oh my Lord, I can’t believe Tasha & Farah married at such a young and tender age considering that it is a love-marriage and not the match-made kind.

I mean, whatever happened to the blossoming of a friendship, followed by the signs of a tender love occurring to the proposal and one-two year engagement and then the lovely marriage in the courtyard? Plus, have three kids at 23? Did you know that a woman’s hips are only suitable for child-bearing when she reaches 26¬†or 27 and an early pregnancy will result in her hips growing brittle before she turns 50?

And don’t get me started on Amanda. Whatever happened to the official moment of being legally¬†married? What did she have to rule marriage an expensive affair when all you need is less than 150 bucks to register your marriage with ROM and have the marriage be legalised in the eyes of the law and also God? You know a wedding banquet¬†isn’t important if you are a broke and are a reasonably¬†young couple. Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage? The blissfulness¬†of cohabiting after marriage? The initial first six months of getting used to each other’s habits in the morning and the daily ritual of wearing that wedding band on each other’s ring fingers? Don’t weddings and the wedding vows to cherish and love each other till death do us part exist no more? Is everyone really going to be the Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie of the future generation?

Sometimes it’s these unique scenarios that sets you thinking about how fast the pace of the world is evolving. Yes, I made my way there vying for a place to be a SilkAir girl but these fringe activities as we waited for our group interviews left me clearly dumbfounded.

Sure, I made it to the next round but only to be eliminated at the third round.¬†In my group of 10, only Tasha made it through to the next round despite being at least 10cm shorter than me, have a million and one pimples on her face and have cheeks that resembles a sunken cheeks of an anorexic. But that all doesn’t matter to me as I stood out from the rest and didn’t say the same line the other 9 girls in my group said,

“Being with SilkAir is a dream job..”

…’ Cos at the end of the day, these same people who said this lines retracted their statements and ended up like sore losers when they say,

“Thank God I didn’t get in, I heard their pay is smaller..”

or

“I’m sure SQ’s interview tomorrow will be better on me..”

or

“SilkAir is just a cousin to SQ, not that good after all…”

and so much more. It would be a big mistake to hire them. I admit I felt a wee bit sad I wasn’t moving on to the next round but at least I introduced myself the way that I am and never retracted any statements that I made to the panel of interviewers. At least I was honest and wasn’t a sore loser like the rest. I know I didn’t sound one bit like an imposter. Then again, when you harbor such sky-high hopes on your dream job, I suppose it is natural for you to be a sore loser when you aren’t picked yeah?

Nevertheless, to the girls who eventually made it through the final cut, congratulations! I suppose you have garnered enough faith of the SilkAir people to convince them that you have ultimately landed on your dream job. Just don’t go all sore loser-ish if you didn’t make it all the way. Somethings are just not meant to be and perhaps like what they say, the best is yet to come!

ūüôā

 

Send My Regards to the Koalas

Today is yet another day that a former close friend of mine migrates to Down Under, specifically Melbourne with an indefinite date of returning back to Singapore. Yes, she has bought a one-way ticket and will either choose to come back this Christmas, NYE or never at all once she settles down at a motel there.

I have no reason as to why her departure is this sudden but knowing her, I suppose impulsive decisions such as these are of second nature to her. Regardless, I wish her well and thank her for the incredible one odd year’s worth of friendship as I don’t think the friendship will continue when she comes back. Yes, we parted on bad terms and that is all meant to be that way. I have no intention of forging a friendship with her all over again as she has revealed a big secret which I cannot understand or ever accept so long as I am alive. Then again, I never expected her to harbor such ridiculous thoughts.

I see her departure as a blessing regardless of how bleak the future of the friendship is. That’s alright, in life we make lotsa good and bad friends; she happens to fall in the latter category. Thank you for being there in my life along with the rest and also for sharing the journey with me and being one of the resultant forces behind me being who I am now.

I wish you well always and hope you will be able to find the happiness you can’t find in the friendship with me.

Goodbye my friend.

PS: Sometimes when a friend leaves me for another country, I feel immensely sad to the brink of tears. But for her, I feel absolutely nothing. Maybe my tears are intending to save themselves for the next departure of yet another good friend who means more to me than this one.