28th August 2014

Love

Marks the 3rd year that I found my best friend in the entire world that I can’t live without.
I love you, I cherish you, I adore you and I hope God will be kind to us and give us the strength to continue to be each other’s pillar of strength in good times and bad. I have tentative hopes and dreams for a beautiful future together and I hope God will be there to keep us safe from harm’s way and temptations – there are definitely plenty.

I love you, more than any man in the world, but nowhere near my love for Daddy yet.

🙂

Quality.

Quality Time

I am not one who desires to be lavished with fancy gifts but I am thankful to be able to have a night out of our busy schedules to see each other, appreciate each other and update each other on the random interesting notes of our day jobs. 

For that thank you dear.

Thank you for understanding that what I value the most a a well-spent time with you with no phones or whatnots distracting us.

I love you more than words can ever say.

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 11:

Forgiveness. It’s time to start forgiving yourself for mistakes you’ve made, ‘wrong’ decisions you’ve taken and ‘right’ ones you haven’t. If you want to be happy and more energetic, you’ve got to DUMP the baggage you’re carrying around!

Lighten the load on your back, neck, shoulders and heart as you let go of anything that’s not serving you. It doesn’t belong in your bright, gorgeous, happy and fulfilling life 🙂

What will you forgive yourself for and move on from today? 

Be gentle with yourself – this is NOT an invitation to beat yourself up, it’s an invitation to free yourself. Confidence comes from seeing mistakes and failures as a part of life, and not making them mean something negative about *you* as a person.

I’m excited to see what you’re saying goodbye to so please do share 🙂

Forgiveness

There are definitely many mistakes that I have made throughout the course of the twenty over years of my life and most of them led me to where I am now.  Among those mistakes that I have made, they have to revolve around my wrong choices in choosing a partner or what my girlfriends call it, Mr Right Now.

I had a tumultuous and tempestuous long-term relationship with a schoolmate which ended acrimoniously during my graduation and that had definitely left the greatest impact in my life thus far. It has taught me not to trust others too easily and to never give 100% of my time and effort to one man only until he is the one with whom I will call my husband.

Alas, I am a trusting person. I trust others truly easily so it’s little wonder that I never seemed to learn from that painful chapter in my life. I had sudden but brief exposures to suicide, abuse and also betrayal that I never thought I would actually come out of the chapter alive and virtually unscathed. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a tight knit of friends who have seen me in my biggest ups and greatest downfalls and are not afraid to help me up when the going gets tough.

Many, many failed relationships later, I vowed not to love another man anymore as I fear that another heartbreak will crucify my sanity but I guess my current love managed to overcome that aspect of me. With him (as how I was with my previous ex-boyfriends), I was completely transparent with my past. I told him all the nasty things I have done, all the rebellion inside of me that’s hungry to be set free and also, the hope that by being honest, he would be able to accept me with all of my imperfections. He remained quiet throughout the bouts of episodes that I throw tantrums and confided my deepest secrets. Not once did he questioned my reasons for doing what I did. In fact, he never raised his voice at me. I thought that was weird as I was used to being hurled abuse by the ex-boyfriend that it took a long time to understand that…

It’s okay not to hurt another person verbally or physically. It is the right thing to not lay a hand on anyone. Inflicting pain on another person is downright wrong.

I thought our relationship was destined to doom eventually but… Close to four years of friendship and three years of love later, he still tells me everyday that he loves me unconditionally and that regardless of what mistakes I have done in the past as it doesn’t matter to him. What matters to him is the current me and the future me that he wants to plan a future with. I guess that is where the forgiveness came from.

I learnt to forgive when I was shown the right to forgive myself in the eyes of another and to me, that is the greatest gift I can ask from anyone for myself. Forgiveness for myself is a healing experience. It was a long, long time coming but I am glad I opened myself up to this healing process. It is as though all the negativity and disappointment perish to make way to something greater than holding back. Since my birthday is coming in a few days,  I am going on another path to forgive my past 25 years of mistakes that I have yet to find the time to forgive and heal.

I hope you readers will feel the power that forgiveness has on you.
It truly feels like a miracle.
Good vibes everyday everyone!

🙂

Forever with You

It may come as a surprise to most of you that I am in a serious relationship with a bloke many years my junior. I hear rumors too that my intention to marry late is because of the need to adapt to a young (future) husband who is not yet matured enough financially to take care of me. In all honesty, finances is a big deal to me as I have been independent since 15 when I got my first ever mobile line. (Trust me, back then I felt like I was already an adult responsible for all my phone bills.) However, the reason why I chose to only settle when I am 30 or so is not because of the finances. I am more than happy to provide for myself and the family when the need arises.

I am thankful I have a wonderful man in my life who understands me and my 1001 personalities and still love me dearly. (I love you too boo.) I do have my doubts when I get ridiculed (sometimes) by people who calls me cougar and cradle-snatcher but for Pete’s sake, I am only 3 years his senior and in no way am I a cradle-snatcher. I am not like 40 and dating a 20 year old man!

I was reading a blog that I follow on WP that led me to this article by a fellow blogger. I read it and can’t help but smile at my worry of being able to fit into the norms of society when I am meant to stand out. Her views on older women marrying younger men was validated by the teachings of Islam.

Our Prophet (SAW) himself married a far older woman Khadijah (RA). Read her article only with an open mind as with a closed mind, there’s only so much that you allow your heart and mind to see:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/splitthemoon/2014/04/give-muhammad-a-chance/

I’m sticking to my guns. I will marry you when I am 30 and when you’re 27 honey. I am not intending to settle with anyone else and that’s final. You can propose earlier if your finances are right but till then, I don’t mind waiting it out for a lifetime with you boo. Insha Allah He will protect us and our union till that day we are Man and Wife.

🙂

A Dance with Papa Dearest.

Sometimes we have wishes that we so badly want to come true.

For me, that wish happened to be one that involves having a night over at the hospital with Daddy Dearest. The brothers & I took turns to remain vigil by his side but little did anyone know how badly I couldn’t wait to stay by his side on that fateful Tuesday night – Wednesday morning.

Little did anybody know I would eventually be the last person to see him alive on 12th July.

And also, the last person to see him before he met His Creator who took all the pain of the cancer away on 17th July at 1136 hours on a sunny Wednesday morning.

I was so excited that I couldn’t nap in the day. I ended up writing the previous post throughout the whole afternoon which was meant to be spent sleeping. I was jumpy, nervous, sweaty-palmed and so much more. I was pensive that I couldn’t fulfill my wish of taking care of him that night. I had many things planned. I was telling love that I will be lugging two of my vintage photo albums; I told him, maybe that would keep daddy happy or maybe that would make daddy want to wake up all over again. I told love that after the photos were done sharing, I would spend the remaining hours of the early morning reading Surah Yassin for daddy.

Love merely nodded, maybe he didn’t want to dampen my high spirits. Maybe, love already knew too but didn’t have the heart to tell me. After all, he is a medic. I am very sure death in the medical line is something close to second nature for him to face. He prolly saw all the obvious tell-tale signs that I obliviously didn’t. However, love was kind enough to accompany me while I stayed up all night for daddy despite having a hectic day in camp in the earlier few days.

For that, I am always eternally grateful dear. He may not be the most romantic of lovers / boyfriends / husbands but he is one heck of a rock to me. His presence is always reassuring that even during the grimmest of days, with love around, somehow I know I will pull through.

I spent the night not sleeping at all. Daddy’s favorite Ward 72 nurse, Fadhil was doing his 2nd Night shift and came in to turn daddy hourly. Given daddy’s comatose state, it was rather painful to see people trying to talk to daddy and having him not being able to respond. I honestly wished he could respond.

To hear, to lift a finger, to open his eyes, to smile, to talk, to sit, to hum a tune, to complain, to eat, to drink & to do anything us healthy humans take for granted.

There’s so much that I would do just to see that for another second.

The night was silent sans my voice so bright and chirpy in the air, love was stealing forty winks as he was tired and also, wanted to give me the privacy to talk to daddy and I am glad I made full use of the 13 odd hours I had alone with daddy.

As I write this post, I come to the conclusion that the last few days have been a blur and to piece them down here would take me a lot of courage, tears and nostalgia. I am not sure if I can carry on for now but I do know,

If I could get another chance,
another walk,
another dance with him,
one final glance,
one final step with him,
I would play a song that would never ever end,
so that I can dance with my father again.

When Hope is the Placebo Drug.

Daddy has been admitted again in the hospital and the last few days has honestly been a tumultuous turn of events with drastic changes. Last Tuesday (9th July), he had a few instance of SOB which worried me as it was a sign of another cardiac trouble. He has been through 3 attacks safely, albeit growing weaker after each episode but I never stopped hoping he will make it through.

9th July was the shortness of breath and the (almost) abuse state of GTN and it worried me and everyone around us. But knowing that he won’t get to see his favorite cancer doctor, Dr Satish Kumar, he refused to go to the hospital even though the Haematology ward were more than willing to help.

It is typically what daddy is like; he doesn’t like to trouble others no matter how gravely ill he is. That night, I can barely sleep. Being the primary caregiver since I overtook mummy earlier in 2013, I have to say that the roller-coaster emotions that one feels when the patient is in such a state scares me. Each time it happens, my heart skips a beat and I always think I will collapse from cardiac arrest or something.

While mummy was getting ready to bring him to the hospital, he sat at the kitchen with me and had a distanced look. After probbing he said this exact line which until now that I think about it, hits me like a ton of bricks.

“Papa merana sakit, lagi baik kalau Papa mati.”

Translated to English, it means, “Papa is finding it real hard, I am suffering. I think it is better if I die so that the pain will go away.”

When he said that, I chided him for giving up hope. I didn’t chide because I didn’t care / understand what he was feeling. I chided him for cursing his life. I know it is hard going through endless needles, chemotherapies, ECGs, cocktail of drugs etc but I do know God has His reason behind it. Even if He wants to test papa, I know He won’t test him until he breaks.

God isn’t cruel, He test His people to the level that he knows they can cope; they will bend, but they will never break.

But who am I to say what papa goes through? I am not the one in his shoes, only He knows what papa is going through every single waking moment.

10th July, he was feeling “uncomfortable”, the chest pains did subside as the GTN intake but my heart prayed and hoped so hard that he will be able to make it through to the appointment on the next day. His temperature was on the high 37 side, SO mentioned it prolly was his body trying to fight the infection that is causing him to weaken.

11th July, Dr Satish mentioned that papa’s HB levels are low and so are his platelets and CSM/P levels and that confirmed my findings over the last few weeks. I am no doctor but having a SO as a medic, helps a whole lot in me concluding certain behavioral patterns on a person. He says that papa must be admitted to boost up his red blood, white blood, bone marrows and immunity so that he can be better to take the next round of chemotherapy. He was fine when he was wheeled in, happy and joyful as ever and I was hopeful that he will be able to be discharged by Saturday as he promised to treat me a Banquet dinner for my birthday.

I never was happier to hear that.

12th July, I came alone to keep him company. I did my usual treats for him; video-called mummy for him, massaged him, talked to him as per usual. Then he told me he had a hectic night of transfusion. He was transfused with 2 pints of blood, 1 of platelets and 1 of antibiotics. He had needles and strips of plaster on various parts of his limbs and they even IV him on the inner right ankle as his limb vessels collapse when they were trying to IV from the arms.

I asked him if it was painful?

My strong daddy said, “No pain, nothing.”

How much of pain did he hide behind that face of his is beyond me. He knew that I wanted assurance that he wasn’t in any pain as if he were, he knows I would follow-up with the medical team caring for him. So he lied, just so that his daughter can have a good sleep that night.

The sacrifice of a father – even when he isn’t my biological father – transcends every boundary there is in the world.

But he told me, “Sorry okay dear, Papa cannot treat you to Banquet dinner.” Then I told him not to be sorry, that he will be discharged very soon and that if he can’t treat me, I will gladly treat him.

But he insisted that he won’t be able to treat me.

He also thanked me profusely for everything.

And he smiled, his big Cheshire cat smile which always warms my heart.

Maybe he saw that his time is coming. Maybe he already knew it was quickly running out. Maybe, God gave him that sign. Maybe he thought it was the only moment he had left to speak before he lost his sense of talking.

I shrugged it as a passing comment.

Maybe papa was tired from the last 24 hours of extensive transfusion which he said was rough hence he said something like that. He didn’t get much sleep when they were transfusing him as they had to monitor his vital signs every ten minutes. Maybe he was indirectly telling me to cease hoping. Maybe he was trying to tell me something that I don’t know. Maybe. It will always remain a question mark.

But little did I know, I would be the last person to see him alive, smiling, talking and the same papa that I knew. 

13th July, I came earlier than the day before and I noticed he wasn’t being responsive. The ward nurse Azrin mentioned that he had been that way since the time he took over. He didn’t respond to anyone who called, didn’t want to eat nor drink, his eyes were half open, his left arms was fidgetting and he wasn’t his usual cheery self; he looked exceptionally hazy / groggy. He was breathing hard and even though I was exceptionally worried about his vital signs, the nurse assured that his SpO2 was at 100%, his BP and pulses were normal and that he will get the ECG done if that can help me rest easy. I told the family to come by at night to see him as maybe with their presence, he will respond better.

He didn’t.

But I reassured the family that he is in such a state as his antibiotics was very strong and drowsy. They bought the lie, but I know it was only time before they know the truth. I guess I was a coward, I rather face the truth on my own than to have mummy know everything. After all, when it comes to fragility, mummy is a permanent resident. I didn’t sleep well at night, as I knew my gut feeling says he wasn’t getting out of that state anytime soon. Even SO tried to reassure me but I knew, he was lying to cushion the blow on me too.

(I can’t write beyond 13th July for the moment, it will take up another 2000 words and I will continue crying while I type this post out so I should go and get a hold of myself. My eyes are puffy enough already. I know I will write about my thoughts for those days but for the moment, I should keep the thoughts to myself first as I don’t have the right frame of mind to write coherently. The last few days have been a great test to my mental, spiritual, physical, psychological being that everything in my thoughts are just a messy jumble of words. I will write again when I gather my thoughts proper again but I will leave a quote as my parting shot for the post. Along the way, to everyone who is reading this humble post of mine, save a prayer for my papa please? I don’t ask for a huge miracle; just the hope that I get to spend another night with him.)

Jean De La Breyere's

Girl on Fire.

Candles(Credits:http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jlxzZEIBbzw/UYpvJqygolI/AAAAAAAABVI/sQi1TUi9FFQ/s1600/birthday-cake.jpg)

When I was growing up, there was always one day in a year that I always look forward to. That day happens to be my birthday. Not many people share the same sentiments as I do but coming from a childhood whereby I had to go through bad days – like those days where I was the “toy” being pulled apart by my biological & adoptive parents – has made me resolute that no matter how ugly, sad, miserable my other 364 days in a year was, I always strive to let 5th July be the happiest day of my life every year.

When I was young, it was much easier to do all that. With my parents doting on me – I was the youngest & the only girl in the family – 5th July every year was always memorable with those cake-cutting, picture-taking, presents and whatnots. I don’t remember asking for grand birthdays, the only grandest birthday I’ve had was on my 1st birthday whereby my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and close relatives gathered to celebrate at my late grandmother’s home. That was the only one I vividly remember being exceptionally big in my opinion.

Other birthdays were muted and reserved only for the immediate family. I enjoy those private, intimate parties more than the grand ones as I prefer being in the limelight when I’m in the company of the ones closest to me. As I grew older and my parents shifted the breadwinner responsibilities to my brothers & I, my birthday became a slightly more expensive affair as my brothers would take the family out to celebrate my birthday as they know how it meant to me and of course, even if I don’t blow candles on my birthday cake, I am glad to be able to get a collective birthday song from them while I slice a birthday cake. I dare say, that is the moment I look forward to all the time.

As I grew older and have boyfriends involved in my birthdays, the family tone down their involvement by giving me the liberty to celebrate with my then-boyfriends first before I celebrate with them. (How can I not be thankful for having such a wonderful & understanding family?)

I guess the grandest birthday I’ve ever had with my then-boyfriends would that be with Izzac when I celebrated my 18th birthday. He lavished me with plenty of gifts that were over-flowing from his car boot! Not saying that I am boasting it now but for a split second, it felt as though there is someone outside of my family who knows how important 5th July meant to me; and I truly appreciated it as I remembered him getting me 18 gifts to signify my 18th birthday and they all meant the world to me as most of them revolved around Happy House (http://www.happyhouse.com.au/) as he knows how I adore them (even till now!). I remembered on my 18th, Maris Stella Djuli also giving me two G-strings in a Victoria Secret box! Cheeky but I loved it! I had many presents and even though 7 years has passed, I still recall the memory fondly as I have the photos. That was also the year that I received 3 birthday cakes, blew 3 different cakes & be lucky enough to wish three times in a year.

Another vivid memory was my 21st whereby I was granted an opportunity of a lifetime to celebrate my birthday in the company of sharks and sting rays in the Underwater World. I celebrate my birthday differently each year, with each year being more memorable than the next.

Moving on over the years, I always instill this belief that whoever I celebrate my birthday with, he would know what I yearn for in a birthday. I never asked for a grand affair. Just a moment in my life for that particular year, that the significant other treats me like a princess. No need for an expensive dinner or a limousine ride around town if you can’t afford it. Just something small yet priceless; just a memory to last me a lifetime.

It can be a cheap-ass cake from the neighborhood bakery with one puny candle. It can be a meringue cake with the number of years I turn for that year.

Anything within your means so long as it is a birthday cake.

Even a slice would do me just fine. Just let me blow the freaking candle for once in a year, on a momentous July 5th and I will be greatly appreciative.

When I was single, I used to buy a slice of cake every year that I celebrate alone and still blow it myself as I know that even though I don’t have any Significant Other to buy me a cake for, I care about myself enough to make myself happy.

Maybe I should do that now.

More so since someone said this comment which stung me deep, “No need for birthday cake okay?”

For that moment in my life, I think and believe that you don’t know me. You may not be the sort who celebrates your birthdays unlike me. But it doesn’t mean that I would want to celebrate it the way that you always do. It’s the third year running I am celebrating my birthday without a cake. Why do I subject myself to hope that others will give me a birthday cake?

5th July is & will always be my day.

I don’t care even if the world crumbles tomorrow, all that I want is a cake on my birthday.

Every year, for the rest of my life.

With or without you in it.

A birthday cake is nothing much is it? You don’t need to be Einstein to get me a birthday cake.

Stage Four of a Withering Life

Sometimes I wonder why is that the bulk of my dreams when I lay down to sleep at night, they tend to veer in the category of nightmares. And my imagination spares me no mercy when it comes to giving me the most graphic of details when blood and gore is omnipresent in the nightmares. I’ve had such a tough childhood growing up deprived of a real father’s love, is all that coming to haunt me again now that Papa is in this condition?

I am not afraid of death, my own that is. But I fear when the death of others comes before me as it will ultimately leave an irreversible effect on me. It changes me and as much as I tell Papa to continue to hang on and fight, it pains me greatly when he says things like he’s tired of fighting, can’t bare to fight, finds it a burden to fight and so much more.

Bearing in mind that I’ve got to stay strong despite all his insecurities about his life. I would break down easily had he said those things but I don’t wish for him to see that side of me. I don’t want him to see me cry as for all I know, he may think that I am crying because of him. I’m not. He wishes things were perfect, I tried my best to tell him that as much as the challenges He has set aside for him differ from the past, I’m sure He has His reasons for them. I know God is kind, he’d definitely not want His people to suffer but isn’t that what life is all about?

Life is about pain, about suffering, about how despite the obstacles God sets on each and every one of us, He knows where our limits are & won’t push us beyond our breaking point. I know He has His reasons but how do I convince a father to not quit fighting when he has given up hope already?

Everyday, I wake up each morning thankful to see him still alive and breathing. I do what I can to read up on the effects of Valcade, Zumita and such and how we as a family can help make his life a little more bearable but how do we convince the carrier of a Stage 4 cancer that there’s the beauty in life when you know they are reaching their twilight? Boo has been an incredible backbone, so are my closest friends but I can’t imagine seeing a life of a loved one slip away before me. Why is there death? Why do we anticipate our own but fear for the ones we love the most?

I can have all the money in the world but that won’t bring back my loved ones once God take them away from me. But if God is really fair, why take all those who love me so much and make the ones I’ll give my life for, suffer. Let me be the carrier of the pain dear God, let me see the light beyond all the adversities. But don’t let me see yet another loved one slip away slowly like this. It hurts knowing that he’s like a ticking time bomb and that my dream of having him see me settle down in the XX number of years from now is only going to be a miracle.

I owe you my life Papa, please please please don’t give up on me. I know it’s hard, I can’t ever imagine the pain you are going through, not even a bit. But hanging on and seeing you smile means the world to me and I can’t imagine going through life not ever seeing that for as long as there is a life within me. I don’t have the money to find you a cure but I will try to make you as happy as how you’ve kept me happy throughout my life. I know you’ve had your fair share of pain, just for me, hang on a little while longer.

If I could tear you from the ceiling,
I know the best have tried,
I’d fill your every breath with meaning,
And find a place we both could hide.

Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind,
Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind.

If I could tear you from the ceiling,
I’d freeze us both in time,
Find a brand new way of seeing..
Your eyes forever glued to mine.

Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind,
Don’t go and leave me,
And please don’t drive me blind.

The Daily Rant

I’m not looking for a cure for Daddy’s illness as I know there’s no known drugs which can completely cure multiple myeloma. However, any information is good information as it’ll bring me closer to understanding the condition and how to react to it. His illness has left me numb on most days that sometimes I wonder if all these things prove too hard to bear, will I actually end up crumbling and falling down on my feet? Everyday I pray, that it will never happen as I don’t wish for Daddy to see my tears. But at the end of every night before I go to sleep, I always say a silent prayer that I’ll get to see him up and running the next morning. Not literally, but oh you get what I mean yes?

His condition has increasingly evolved me into a different person. Like what I was telling Boo last night, ask me what’s my goal when I was 20, it would sound something like this,

“A career woman who strives to climb the corporate ladder with no room for love or much social life as she’s busy chasing her dreams and dollars so that she can retire comfortably at 30.”

As me now as I go from 23 going on 24 what’s my dream, it’ll sound something like this,

“I want a career yes, but let it be fulfilling enough that I am able to balance my family, my friends, my commitment to my career and still have enough time for myself to pursue the things that I want.”

In this mad-paced lifestyle of a Singaporean life, who on Earth can get a work-life balance if they plough through the hours endlessly at work, right? Well I’ve decided that as much as I love my highly paid job in the tourism and hospitality sector and the big bucks it brings me monthly, I’d rather take a job which requires I serve a shorter working hours and forge a closer bond to my family as no amount of money in the bank can compensate that lost time I missed with my family.

I guess like what the adage says, age does wisen you up and in my case, it sure has indefinitely. I’ve cleaned up my act, stayed away from alcohol and unnecessary late-nights just to wake up bright and early for breakfast with the parents. I’ve even mellowed to reducing my outings to only if it’s necessary to go out. And on top of that, I’m blessed with the sweetest love God has granted me as without his never-ending support, I would’ve fallen apart long, long ago and get myself checked into an asylum for the mental patients. Of course, the network of supportive friends I will give up anything for also made me feel so immensely thankful, sometimes I feel that I’ve not thanked Him enough for all these blessings.

I love you; each and every single one of you who’ve shaped me to who I am now, thank you for playing a part in shaping my life, my values and my soul in this world.

In The Name of Seriousness,

I understand there’s that clause in filling up of any application (especially job-related) that we are to fill up the details in complete honesty and with no room for mistakes or lies. So while I was filing up an application form for a private club, I actually added on an additional emergency contact detail and the person who is my 2nd next of kin (after mummy) was, Hubby.

And the relationship he has in relations to me, heh heh shall remain a secret between him & I but definitely he’s not listed as my husband – that’s veering off too far right?

And the funny thing I remember his full residential address and only got the postal codes wrong. Hmm, funny that I actually do remember as even all my previous lovers, I never got around to the level that I’ve christened him. Best part is, as much as it’s a whole different level putting him so high up there, I see there’s nothing to worry since I feel that it’s the right thing to do and yes, that’s my gut feeling talking.

Insha Allah, we may plan but ultimately He will plan what’s best for us and I’m sure our patience will bear its fruit someday.

Of Fights & Frustrations

It was one of those terrible PMS days when everything that I planned didn’t want to cooperate and everything just went downhill from there. Hence, it resulted in our first ever fight.

But the strange thing is, I’ve gone through numerous fights with boyfriends before but with him, I am not even the least bit bothered that should he see this ugly side of me, he’ll walk out on me. Strangely enough, I know he’d still be there when I am less frustrated and agitated.

And I was right.

In fact he said, no matter how angry I am, no matter how far away I walk away, he’ll be there to wait for me to cool down and talk things out…

&&& he’ll love me no less.

🙂

I’ve snagged myself a diamond; I’ll never let him go.

The Concluding Episode to the Rainbow Love Story

You were a great man when you gave up your everything to see my smile.

However, it is real unfortunate that I didn’t forgive you the instant that you made that grave mistake by my balcony and I reacted by shutting you out of my life entirely. Call me childish but honestly, I can’t quite take it back as the moment has already passed and there are only lessons to be learnt.

Also, one thing I guess you already learnt about me is that I move on real fast solely because, I am not one to harp over the past. I packed my bags and left, moving on to the next available man there was. It wasn’t because I didn’t have the heart nor carry the feelings for you no more than, I still did, I just vacuumed the feeling and shelved it away. Choosing to love another man who is better at loving and taking care of me.

I’m sure my immediate choice after you was a questionable one as that man I chose over you doesn’t fall under the category of “my type” but I disregarded all that list I had and just went ahead with loving the imperfect person he was.

On the eleventh month of 2011, we broke up acrimoniously and he left a huge depressing black hole within me.

From that, I learnt one thing, I was capable of loving a purely imperfect and maniacal devil yet still be able to accept him as he is. He wasn’t the perfect boyfriend for an independent person like me. He’d fetch me everyday, every night even when I protest but he did that out of concern. But he had the same negative quality you had. He was an immensely jealous boyfriend, far worse than you. He was an ingredient of my everyday so much so that when he cheated on me over a colleague in his workplace, I was beyond bonkers. I went insane as he was capable of going from loving me intensely yesterday, breaking up with me over text today and be caught by my best friend canoodling with another woman tomorrow.

Being with him taught me many things but at the same time, he took away my independent identity. I grew into a dependant woman even I hate to see in the mirror. I became the trophy girlfriend coveted by his guy friends as I was much smarter, classier, prettier, richer and sweeter than his ex-es. I hang out with them for supper on most nights even after work to the point that it took its toll on my work and I dropped out of Fast-Track Program because I was too gooey-eyed in love to notice the ripple effect. Suddenly, I had so many new friends that my career didn’t matter. I rode on bikes, had my own helmet and was this close to signing up for Class 2B.

But at the back of my mind, I never stopped being concerned about you.

I know the park incident was too ugly to be remembered considering that you & I have spent many, many nights under the moonlight. In fact, I think it wasn’t necessary that I got my then-boyfriend to tell you that things between us was clearly over. In fact it was the mistake which proved to be my biggest downfall in love. I let a man rule my life to the point that he answered to being my backbone and my everything. He was everything that you weren’t. He was rowdy, unlike your quiet demeanour and basically, a huge mistake too. Before I found out he cheated on me, I was taking great pains to get him back. Even Reaus who was my BFF at work took the time off work to help pull me out of the rut I was in. Like what Reaus said, I was a complete shadow of my former self and needed help.

But upon realising that I was being taken for a ride again, this time by that douchebag, I saw history repeating itself. I saw love as pain. It reminded me of Izzat, of you and of every single failed relationship I’ve had. But it also made me realise that among all the failed relationships I’ve had, the one I had with you was the one I wished I could recover and revert back. Partly because, you remained the sweetheart you were then and even till now and the other reason was that my family thinks really highly of you as you acted like the perfect gentleman even after our love story concluded.

I take my hats off to you Muzzy, you were brilliant then, and you remained equally brilliant now. I just wished things between us weren’t this hostile now as I feel that the tables have been turned and it’s you whose turning me away now. My current love knows about you and your existence, he has acknowledged your presence and has no qualms about me being friends with you.

I’ll never forget you for you were a part of my history and will always be in my good thoughts as aside from that balcony incident, you never do anything wrong unto me. For all that good memories and then some, thank you boy. You were the perfect man at the perfect time but I suppose now, the perfect time has faded away between us. If I bump into on the street, I’ll definitely stop to say hello for you are one person I don’t even want to say goodbye to.

After all, the rainbow umbrella continues to be the one distinctive thing I carry to remind me that no matter how gloomy or heavy the rain maybe, I can always look up to my umbrella and I’ll see gorgeous colors of a rainbow in place each time, everytime.

He’s Different.

Funny I am not one to count the days I have been with someone but a few nights back, while I was lying on boo’s tummy and counting the stars on the lacklustre skyline, boo said that the end of the leap month would have meant that we’ve gone through six months of togetherness. Then, being the inquisitive people that we are, we talked about our first date ever and how he cooly asked me out personally while I was counting the safe money when I was still in Macs. Not forgetting the awesome impression he left me when he saw a cockroach on the road and he muttered about wishing that a cow would just crush over that cockroach – he was gibberish at 3am from extreme exhaustion according to him. After all, we walked from town all the way to a lorong in Geylang before he started mouthing random things. Heh, that’s four hours of nothing but walking & talking mind you, even I am surprised I survived that long, long walk.

😀

But anyway, the point isn’t about that first date.

After we talked about the love dates we’ve had, I went further down memory lane and then it dawned on me that I’ve actually known him since 2010! That is to say, our friendship was for a good two years before we went one step further and start dating. Good Lord, funny how he was then my teacher as I was nuts in doing anything McCafe and he was there to teach me. Now, that same Shift Leader who taught me the difference between arabica and robusta is the same man I am madly in love with. Our friendship actually went way back then and who ever knew we’d be lying on that same plot of land, counting the stars together and be in love with each other?

Life; it’s funny how you work things out in my life and make everything fall right in place.

PS: I know we’ve got a long, long way to go and that we don’t count monthsaries as our cup of tea but just for the heck of it, Happy 6th Month dear!

I love you, always.

XX

My Greatest Blessings,

Komi Martian:
For being the longest BFF in the world. You weren’t always there-there 24/7 but during my most terrible of days, you were there. We can’t be more different from each other, remember we started out as total enemies? Haha, those were the good days and even our tastes in boys are exceptionally poles apart. No matter the difference, I still love you no less babe. From 2001 till date.

Rajan Chandra:
For being the good friend turned pen pal. I’ve known you as long as I’ve known Komi but considering that we are approximately 1500 miles away from each other, it’s amazing to know you still remember my birthday and still make the effort to fly back to this tiny island twice in the last two years. Soon enough, I’ll move my ass over to Bondi beach, promise.

HobiBelanja Maris Stella Djuli:
I’ve known you since 2005 and although you’ve made your journey back to Medan to start a family, not a day goes by without me thinking about our many many dates together. Whether it was to the movies, for a round of drinks, for another pair of C&K shoes or Mel bag, a chocolate buffet, hang out at each other’s cribs; basically the only things girlfriends do when they know and don’t judge each other beyond our superficial talk. When Grams passed away, you were with me through her passing even though you were having classes and also I was half of the person I am now, you never stopped being my shoulder to cry on. We’ve not met since your wedding in 2010 but hopefully, we’ll meet up soon enough and I’ll get to meet the other man in your life, Edmund 🙂

Edward Reaus Cullen / Hubby #1:
You were prolly the one who shaped me into the extrovert person I am now. You convinced me enough to dump my glasses for contact lenses and look where I am now? You’ve instilled enough confidence in me that you can be a life coach as your zest for life is immensely intoxicating. Your thoughts moved me in McDonald’s, your texts added the smiles to my life and our dates are always full of sentimental memories we both won’t give up the world for. You changed my 2010 days with Mac’s & even till date, I never regretted making that cup of hot milo for you (which resulted in you getting into an argument with your then lover who went on a jealous rage!) During my break-ups, you were there, pulling me together and ensuring I didn’t fall further apart. You gave me strength when I found out the ex was a douchebag and you were on my side when he appeared with a comeback. I love you lah, you are like my biggest supporter, thank you sweets.

Darling Sunshine Izwan Hubby bi BOO:
Who knew the one person I always, always confide in when it comes to good-looking customers walking in-store turns out to be the one man I am totally head over heels in love with? Only God knows what changed me to turn you from a mere acquaintance in the same company to the man I hope to build a future with. It’s amazing how two years ago, you were seen in a different light and two years on, I can’t quite imagine waking up one morning without you in it. Maybe because by God’s grace, he pushed you to want to be there for me when Daddy was hospitalised for a month. Maybe that one month changed alot about my perception of you. After all, you were there every single day. When Daddy wasn’t conscious, to when I was falling apart by his bedside, when I had to be Mummy’s strength; you were my backbone, holding my hand steering me forward and ensuring that I don’t fall on my already-wobbly feet. I can’t imagine what it would be without you there, after all, back then, you were just a friend to me. I guess that episode made me realised many things; that life is fragile, that when you see something this special, you don’t let them go. Thank you dear, for yesterday today and also for tomorrow. Four lifetimes remember? 😉

*

God, thank you for these blessings I would give up my life for.