2 Ramadan 1435 Hijrah

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It was a morning of Ramadan that I woke up tad bit late for 8 o’clock work. I saw Mum sitting on the bed and fiddling with her phone and I asked whether she had eaten her sahur that morning. Mum shot me an absolutely blank face and asked me back.

“What sahur?”

I patiently told her that today is indeed fasting month and she needs to get up pronto to prepare food for herself and brother to eat before Subuh but again, the bewildered look was washed all over her face and she asked me again,

“What sahur? When did we sahur? It is Ramadan already?”

She got off the bed, walked to the kitchen table and then asked me again what day was it today and why are we hurrying to prepare to eat in the morning. Trust me, it all my years living with her, I have never seen her in such a blank state. I couldn’t gather my thoughts as to what exactly happened to her but I could only gathered that she needs help along the way or else she will be completely lost. I hurriedly placed all my bathing articles in the toilet and helped her in the kitchen. Mum would wash the cups half-way then stop awhile and ask me repeatedly;

“What day is it today, what is the date, how many days have we fasted and why are we fasting today?

Only the Lord knows how I managed to muster so much patience given that I was already late for work by a good half an hour. It just felt as though I felt the despair Mum felt and I can only hope that she will walk out of this blank and empty state as soon as she can. The good thing that I am thankful for was that her memory just happened to be wiped out of the events that happened yesterday. Somehow or rather, she was able to remember what happened on the day before yesterday but she wasn’t able to register the details of what happened in the later part of the day.

Somehow I knew in my deepest of hearts that something was clearly “off” about Mum but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Perhaps she woke up too sudden? Perhaps she was still on her deep sleep state? Perhaps her medication was still running high on her bloodstream? Perhaps she fell while everyone else was sleeping? Perhaps she was losing her mind? Perhaps. Those questions remained unanswered and will always be.

Anything could have caused it. Anyone could’ve missed it. Maybe it was meant to be that way. The sudden loss of memory on Mum decapitated me; I felt numb on the inside. I felt as though I was on the brink of losing someone dear again. I mean, who wakes up one fine morning and forgets everything? I thought those things only happened to goldfish? In all honesty, that is what I was think will happen to me. That I will be losing my memory one fine day and forget everything. I always prayed that it happened to me and not to anyone else. Especially Mum! She looked lost. Painfully lost as though she wants to try to remember but her brain just could not function right. Something looked clearly off about her.

The most heartbreaking moment had to be when I was about to leave home for work and I told her to take care and then she cried and said,

” Dear, Ma can’t remember anything? What’s wrong? Why am I like this? What day is it today? Today is Ramadan?” Then she gritted her teeth and sobbed quietly.

Walking away from her was definitely the hardest part of my day. Despite the fact that I was being late for work, the thought of walking away from a sad Mum who remained inconsolable was harder to bear.

The whole time I was at work, I was trying to be as focused as I could but I know Mum was very close in my mind. When I got home, she looked as though she’s back to 80% in her normal state. She baffled me further when she asked me what happened in the morning as she had no recollections of it at all.

I could only smile and said,

“Nothing happened Ma, you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

I think she deserved so much more after the loss of Dad that none of us know how empty she feels inside. After the incident today, I began to see her as a person who wants to move on so badly but there’s too much memories stored in the last 35 years of her life that 1 year isn’t sufficient for her to move on but I do hope and pray that she will not give up in trying to move on well past that stage where she lost the love of her life to destiny.

I am not one to question God’s will but I know He does know that she is a strong woman who will overcome all obstacles in her and our family’s way. But I am also aware that her heart is not the same now that her love is in God’s arms and this Ramadan will be the most trying Ramadan she’ll ever have to face alone. It’ll be her first. But I do hope, with all of our support, she will pull through. Stronger than ever before. I never imagined living a life without a father at 25. But I can’t quite imagine a life devoid of a mother if she is hanging in a limbo of the past and the present.

Hope

Stay strong Mummy. It isn’t going to be easy but I am sure you will pull through; we are all rallying around you. every step of the way. Insha Allah.

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A Grim Reminder

This question & answer post initially was meant to be posted in 2011 but I never went around writing it.

Question: What’s it take to put a ring around my finger in this lifetime?

Answer: A whole lot of guts, thick-skinned belief & the promise of a lifetime of love, laughter & happiness.

🙂

Today, I was doing a google search of my ex-SHATEC lecturer whom I heard had passed away recently and I winded up chancing upon an ex-boyfriend who turned up on the same search. Turns out he was getting married to the girl that he hooked up with after our relationship crumbled. He ended up on the Google search as apparently the girl and him are getting their pre-wedding video done in the school. Did they even dated during the duration of our tertiary education? Funny that they had that video taken as during the course of the time that I was in school, he was dating me and we were together for the entire 3 years of my studies while he graduated after the 2nd year so how was it possible that SHATEC was where their love blossomed? I felt cheated then, I still feel the same now.

Somehow or rather, seeing his photo with the girl was like opening back an old wound. Forgive me for doing that but I didn’t expect that I would chance upon him while searching for “Christopher Loh”. In all honesty, I do not harbor any hard feelings for him and I sincerely wish him well. It is just the thought of seeing him in a photo shook me down to my core as after all, he was in that part of my life that was too painful to remember yet important to remember so as not to go down the same road again.

I sincerely wish you happiness Muhammad ‘Izzat bin Said in your upcoming nuptials. I never crossed paths with you ever since and I don’t hope for that day I ever will. I prefer that you remain hidden deep in my past as a grim reminder of what love can do to a person if the person is too in love with someone else.

I am thankful and blessed that the one I am with is in no way the same as you. I am thankful that when I left you, the One that was meant for me came into my life was the Heaven I was searching for; syukran for that. Alhamdulillah!

WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

Day 2 prompt:

So how was the values exercise for you? On a scale of 1-10, are you living life or making decisions aligned with your values? 

Today, let’s play the Eagle & Ant game! Take a current challenge / issue you have and look at it from close up like an Anty Antikins (BE the Ant).

Now, move back further.. further… further … till you’re an Elegant Eagle in the sky and look at it again. What happens? What do you see, hear, feel, think in each situation?

If inspired, choose a perspective to be in today and look at everything from that angle.

Write, talk about it, think, or share in the FB group. There’s no one way to do this, just YOUR way.

On a scale from 1- 10, I believe I am doing a 7 in aligning myself  with my values. The values exercise has helped me realize that all along, I have been holding on to the same set of values and it is a great feeling knowing that I am grounded by a similar set of  values all along. At least I know I am in no way swaying between sides and is not sure what drives me.

🙂

I have a few challenge that I would like to overcome in the next coming months and years. The short-term goal that I would like to overcome is to increase my fitness for the coming months to be a better, leaner and fitter version of myself. In all honesty, I do feel overwhelmed when I think about the huge investment I am going to put myself in for the next few months to continue to dedicate my free time to changing my lifestyle for the better with the inclusion of fitness in my day-to-day motion. I guess that is where Anty Antikins come into play?

There are times that I feel the easiest way out is the best way to do things but as I grew older, I have come to realize that easy does not always gets things done. Even if it does, there’s a high chance that I am not satisfied with the end result.

However, if I do take a step back and be an Elegant Eagle, I believe I can do a fabulous job of working my butt off at the gym with that grueling course. I am not sweating for a wedding in the near future but I am excited to know that I am doing my part to nourish my body with the right fitness and eating lifestyle so that the future-old me won’t have to worry so much about her health and instead, be able to live life to the fullest. I have been gym-ing the last two years and I know I can incorporate gym into my current work-life schedule. I just need to be persistent and be able to see through my goals till the end of the course cycle and hopefully, repeat the cycle for as long as I am able to.

🙂

I’m feeling the excitement, I shall strive to have the excitement burst out of all of my activities today and hopefully, shape up to an exciting mid-week! Here’s wishing everyone a happy and exciting week ahead as well. Lots of love!

Success!

Inner Sparkle e-Course

It has come to my attention that I have bought this e-Course but I have yet to fully utilize it to unleash my spiritual wow-ness. I was thinking,  before I embark on a course to train my physical strength with Kayla Itsines BBG course that will take up four months of my time, I should do something similar on the short-term. I have purchased this Inner Sparkle course on the 3rd of May 2012 and two years on, the course still sits at the back of my head and I am going to change that by stop procrastinating! I will start doing it from tomorrow on at my own time and pace and hopefully, get to unleash the inner sparklepants in me real soon.

I admit this was a long time coming but as the saying goes,

“Better late than never.”

Start to be Great

Here’s hoping for a great success in my new adventure to change myself and motivate myself for the better.

🙂

Forever with You

It may come as a surprise to most of you that I am in a serious relationship with a bloke many years my junior. I hear rumors too that my intention to marry late is because of the need to adapt to a young (future) husband who is not yet matured enough financially to take care of me. In all honesty, finances is a big deal to me as I have been independent since 15 when I got my first ever mobile line. (Trust me, back then I felt like I was already an adult responsible for all my phone bills.) However, the reason why I chose to only settle when I am 30 or so is not because of the finances. I am more than happy to provide for myself and the family when the need arises.

I am thankful I have a wonderful man in my life who understands me and my 1001 personalities and still love me dearly. (I love you too boo.) I do have my doubts when I get ridiculed (sometimes) by people who calls me cougar and cradle-snatcher but for Pete’s sake, I am only 3 years his senior and in no way am I a cradle-snatcher. I am not like 40 and dating a 20 year old man!

I was reading a blog that I follow on WP that led me to this article by a fellow blogger. I read it and can’t help but smile at my worry of being able to fit into the norms of society when I am meant to stand out. Her views on older women marrying younger men was validated by the teachings of Islam.

Our Prophet (SAW) himself married a far older woman Khadijah (RA). Read her article only with an open mind as with a closed mind, there’s only so much that you allow your heart and mind to see:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/splitthemoon/2014/04/give-muhammad-a-chance/

I’m sticking to my guns. I will marry you when I am 30 and when you’re 27 honey. I am not intending to settle with anyone else and that’s final. You can propose earlier if your finances are right but till then, I don’t mind waiting it out for a lifetime with you boo. Insha Allah He will protect us and our union till that day we are Man and Wife.

🙂

2013 in Review for LBV!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 8,500 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Moving On,

Sometimes I forget that I’ve started this site when I was still an incumbent; a mere child trying to be all adult about things. When I read the negative comments that I’ve garnered over the years over some of my (I dare say) controversial posts, I realized how far I have grown over the last 4 years that I penned my thoughts to writing. Funny how when you read what you read last time, you shirk in disbelief at the level of immaturity over some of the most non-significant episodes in my life. For example, my writing on the airline recruitment that I’ve attended over the years.

Gone are the days when I try to be somebody that I am not but also, there a the days that have gone too whereby I learnt to grow up and evolve into a better person this moment on. I shall not delete my controversial posts from yesteryear not to cultivate hate among some of my passionate readers. Instead, I leave them in here so as a reminder to myself on how far I’ve evolved from a then-girl with sky-high levels of insecurity to a woman who embraces her imperfections and accepts the trials and tribulations that God has set aside for me. For my long-time readers, I am sure you are able to see my growth through the years and the pages of my writing and I would like to extend my deepest thanks for sticking by me through them all.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow. – Mary Anne Radmacher.

With much love from me to all of you out there. Have a blessed week ahead while I head off to the gym to exercise those gams that’s been on idle for way too long.

XX

Hijab.

(copyright: http://azizaizmargari.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/07_10_2006_1842.jpg)

SALAM,

So yesterday was an interesting day for me. Reason being, I woke up in the morning with the intention to attend Friday prayers at Makam Habib Noh & be in a full hijab + arbayah ensemble. It may be nothng special for most already-hijab ladies out there but for me, it is a definite first.

I can safely say my dressing is liberal to say the least; I don’t flinch walking by the beach in a bikini but today I decided to do something better for myself and when I want to send my love to God during the prayers. I have not been the best human on Earth but I am exceptionally thankful that day by day, He gives me the chance to repent and turn over a new leaf. Only He knows what misdeeds I have done and will ultimately pay for at Judgement Day but being in hijab today changed me a little bit.

For once, when I left my room in the morning, my parents had this super-wide smile on their faces and gosh it felt so good knowing that I am going on to do something good for my spiritual soul and have my parents’ blessings along the way 🙂

In hijab, I felt more shy; painfully shy. I was very shy to look at men in the eye. Maybe that’s a good thing considering that I am exceptionally generous with my smiles when I go around about town on normal days. I’m afraid of bumping into men as I already did my ablution prior to leaving home.

I don’t foresee myself converting to hijab full-time in the near future until I am spiritually, emotionally & physically ready but this momentous day in my life in 2013 has made me change my outlook in life, in hijab-wearing, in general decorum and all that in a good way.

A good way to turn a year older in a few days.

Alhamdulilah.

Leap Year’s Nostalgia

… and I gladly, did.

Sweet, awesome, out-of-this-world, memorable and romantic.

Totally worth waiting up super damn bloody early to spend it in an unconventional way. He called it  Team Awesome Time, a Leap Year special episode to only be reignited again, Insha Allah four years down the road until the end of time.

Hearts to the love 🙂

AirAsia X 4

It was a trip of a lifetime (for this year, that is). I travelled via flight four times, went to the bustling metropolis of KL and thereafter a few days later, flew up to Langkawi Islands to get myself away from the hustle and bustle of the chaotic Singapore life and also, find myself all over again. Trust me, I couldn’t be any happier to have concluded my tenure at McDonald’s on February 2nd. That day felt like a resurrection of my tired soul as working in McDonald’s isn’t all that easy as how most people perceived. It’s little wonder that there aren’t that many locals in the system as with the bosses being ultra demanding and being surrounded by colleagues who speak only Tagalog and the mainland Chinese language, sometimes I as a local, feel like a tiny fish in a huge pond. When I go for classes, in a group of twenty, there’ll only be two locals – that’s how grossly over the percentage is of foreigners versus locals.

I will never forget the dirty-ass politics that company has thrusted me into. I will never forget the extensive unpaid hours I’ve toiled on keeping my store together from falling apart. I will never forget the experience of being the pioneer in creating a new store from ground zero. I will never forget the times I didn’t get to spend with Mummy & Daddy at the hospital due to my work commitments. But most of all, I will never cease to remember the friendships I’ve forged throughout the two years I was there.

It was the typical first-job (from hell) story but fortunately, the first job isn’t going to wind up being my last as I’ve decided earlier on that once the dust has settled in the building up of the new store, I will pack my bags and leave as I fear growing to be one of those imposters at work who do nothing more than to suck the higher-uppers’ boots and gain the popularity.

Hence, when I left Macs, I know a trip out is mandatory. Knowing the likelihood that I will most definitely travel alone, I steeled my sheltered soul on what’s there to expect in this maiden solo trip. What’s there to expect I ask my friends? They talk about drug-peddlers, muggers, no late-night outings, gang rapes and the usual theft. If I am travelling with friends, that’ll be easy to deal with but considering I am travelling alone… No word can describe the XX number of what-ifs there were in my head. My solo trip is prolly the single most-daring thing I’ve done since I never even told my parents that I was flying everywhere alone but after this experience, I know this flying and travelling alone trip won’t be my last.

It was the most liberating experience ever despite having missed one connecting flight to LGK and I proved to my humble self that indeed, I can take care of myself on the road enough. Even if the road is full of strangers on a foreign land and I have to lug that 15kg of luggage through the tarmac alone.

🙂

AK718 / AK729

And so while my BKK trip is on a limbo (pending 24 – 48 hour approval from the Jetstar team), I have decided to go with an impulsive decision to head to KL instead. From there, I may either travel out to another destination and have some crazy adventure or stick to the usual KL route.

I think I’ll pick the former, heh.

Now I have the whole of Asia for me to venture: Cambodia, Vietnam, Macau and all are within my reach but which should I pick?

In the mean time, everybody, save a prayer for me so that I am able to change my BKK flight to July without having to pay the imposed free of $300+, the figures are preposterous and if BKK costs that much, I’ll gladly forfeit the entire trip and re-book the July trip at half of the price.

Damn the terrorists, you ought to pay for all the inconvenience you’ve caused to us citizens of the world who want to travel to see the world but is mobbed by the fear of our own safety due to your idealistic beliefs.

The Pain of Facing the Eleven

    • 1. Bringing back the feeling you’ve learned to forget.
      2. Reminising the good times.
      3. Trying to hide what you really feel.
      4. Loving someone who loves another.
      5. Having commitment with someone you know would not last.
      6. Shielding your heart to love somebody.
      7. Loving a person too much.
      8. Right love at the wrong time.
      9. Taking risk to fall in love again.
      10. Accepting that it was never meant to be.
      11. ”What ifs”

Suavemente

That’s Spanish for kiss me.

🙂

As you all already know, I am into Spanish and Latin music and I can’t help but include Mohombi as my favourite Latino boy for the moment! Why did I not discover him earlier is beyond me as he’s got such a raspy, sexy voice that any song he sings makes me want to groove and shake my body to his rhythm! That isn’t to say that is the only way his voice gives out an impact; when he sings his ballads, his vocal chords has the ability to make me feel whatever he’s singing.

Latino music has many inspriations from Reggaeton but I’m very pleased to say his music are of the minimal reggae beats and the lyrics are real nice. One of the first few which got me addicted is Suavemente by him and Nayer (From the Give Me Everything fame) and also features Pitbull.

There’s something absolutely gorgeous about his voice, that base-low voice that I can’t quite get enough of actually.

Well, before I go on a Mohombi-craze, allow me to introduce to you this song by him.

🙂

I think Nayer is super-hot; I have a girl-crush on her but seriously, she should’ve picked a better outfit as compared to the skin tight vinyl outfit with those strategic slashes. Perhaps a nicer beach outfit would easily make her a perfect match to Mohombi’s laid-back outfit.

🙂

PS: Mohombi’s got the dream guy character;
he’s tall, sexy as a bald man, looks gorgeous without even trying hard and has such an amazing singing voice!

I’m smitten and pardon me as I shall post more Mohombi songs in the future!

🙂 🙂