It was a morning of Ramadan that I woke up tad bit late for 8 o’clock work. I saw Mum sitting on the bed and fiddling with her phone and I asked whether she had eaten her sahur that morning. Mum shot me an absolutely blank face and asked me back.
I patiently told her that today is indeed fasting month and she needs to get up pronto to prepare food for herself and brother to eat before Subuh but again, the bewildered look was washed all over her face and she asked me again,
“What sahur? When did we sahur? It is Ramadan already?”
She got off the bed, walked to the kitchen table and then asked me again what day was it today and why are we hurrying to prepare to eat in the morning. Trust me, it all my years living with her, I have never seen her in such a blank state. I couldn’t gather my thoughts as to what exactly happened to her but I could only gathered that she needs help along the way or else she will be completely lost. I hurriedly placed all my bathing articles in the toilet and helped her in the kitchen. Mum would wash the cups half-way then stop awhile and ask me repeatedly;
“What day is it today, what is the date, how many days have we fasted and why are we fasting today?
Only the Lord knows how I managed to muster so much patience given that I was already late for work by a good half an hour. It just felt as though I felt the despair Mum felt and I can only hope that she will walk out of this blank and empty state as soon as she can. The good thing that I am thankful for was that her memory just happened to be wiped out of the events that happened yesterday. Somehow or rather, she was able to remember what happened on the day before yesterday but she wasn’t able to register the details of what happened in the later part of the day.
Somehow I knew in my deepest of hearts that something was clearly “off” about Mum but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.
Perhaps she woke up too sudden? Perhaps she was still on her deep sleep state? Perhaps her medication was still running high on her bloodstream? Perhaps she fell while everyone else was sleeping? Perhaps she was losing her mind? Perhaps. Those questions remained unanswered and will always be.
Anything could have caused it. Anyone could’ve missed it. Maybe it was meant to be that way. The sudden loss of memory on Mum decapitated me; I felt numb on the inside. I felt as though I was on the brink of losing someone dear again. I mean, who wakes up one fine morning and forgets everything? I thought those things only happened to goldfish? In all honesty, that is what I was think will happen to me. That I will be losing my memory one fine day and forget everything. I always prayed that it happened to me and not to anyone else. Especially Mum! She looked lost. Painfully lost as though she wants to try to remember but her brain just could not function right. Something looked clearly off about her.
The most heartbreaking moment had to be when I was about to leave home for work and I told her to take care and then she cried and said,
” Dear, Ma can’t remember anything? What’s wrong? Why am I like this? What day is it today? Today is Ramadan?” Then she gritted her teeth and sobbed quietly.
Walking away from her was definitely the hardest part of my day. Despite the fact that I was being late for work, the thought of walking away from a sad Mum who remained inconsolable was harder to bear.
The whole time I was at work, I was trying to be as focused as I could but I know Mum was very close in my mind. When I got home, she looked as though she’s back to 80% in her normal state. She baffled me further when she asked me what happened in the morning as she had no recollections of it at all.
I could only smile and said,
“Nothing happened Ma, you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”
I think she deserved so much more after the loss of Dad that none of us know how empty she feels inside. After the incident today, I began to see her as a person who wants to move on so badly but there’s too much memories stored in the last 35 years of her life that 1 year isn’t sufficient for her to move on but I do hope and pray that she will not give up in trying to move on well past that stage where she lost the love of her life to destiny.
I am not one to question God’s will but I know He does know that she is a strong woman who will overcome all obstacles in her and our family’s way. But I am also aware that her heart is not the same now that her love is in God’s arms and this Ramadan will be the most trying Ramadan she’ll ever have to face alone. It’ll be her first. But I do hope, with all of our support, she will pull through. Stronger than ever before. I never imagined living a life without a father at 25. But I can’t quite imagine a life devoid of a mother if she is hanging in a limbo of the past and the present.
Stay strong Mummy. It isn’t going to be easy but I am sure you will pull through; we are all rallying around you. every step of the way. Insha Allah.