I Watched and Went Misty-Eyed Within 30 Seconds

My heart goes out to all the war veterans and heroes as I know what it feels like to have a loved one away on ground zero. It may be peacetime here in Asia and we truly should count our blessings. So many families out there wait in hope and (sometimes, despair) for their soldiers to come home and that wait is the best showcase of what love means to one.

As they said before,

you may just be a person in the world but to one person, you are their world.

Have a look and cry with me, sometimes it feels good to feel misty-eyed watching happily ever after coming true.

And maybe when you feel all warm and fuzzy after watching, I will upload part deux. 😛

Happy Birthday, Papa

Daddy Hero

… And they never will. My hero has upgraded his hero status to angel and he is prolly keeping an eye on all of us from up there.

🙂

It would’ve been your 65th Birthday and we would have been able to cash out your CPF and let you enjoy the monies you’ve spent your lifetime to save for but I reckon the celebration in Heaven is way cooler right Papa?

I love you more than words can ever say.
Happy Birthday Papa!
XX

365 Days Plus Without You

How is the air up there in Heaven daddy? I miss you lots every single day. Funny how your passing doesn’t seemed to make me miss you any lesser. In fact I still wonder and think of you every single day as when you were still alive.

Goodbye

 

I missed your smile the most. I also missed seeing you shuffling between the rooms, sleeping with the tv on, smelling your greying hair and scrubbing your back for a home-made spa. I missed nagging at you to eat your medicines. I missed holding your hand when I measure your BP. I missed wheeling you around on the wheelchair at top speed which you always say makes your heart hurt but you unabashedly admit that it was fun. I missed telling you stories about work. I missed having you at the kitchen, happily taste-testing my random recipes I found on the Internet. I missed seeing you wearing your favorite Goldlion belt and slouchy polo pants to the hospital. I missed cutting your toe nails and buffing them up to a pristine shine. I missed reminding you to brush your teeth before you sleep. I missed asking you if you are okay. I missed telling you that it will all be okay. I missed waking up at ungodly hours and checking on you. I missed checking your glucose level and writing them in the chart book. I missed telling Dr Satish how great you are doing. I missed seeing you devour the crab claws from Hei Sushi and your favorite fried tofu. I missed you giving me that cheeky smile, telling me you want a tad bit of Sprite and winded up drinking everything. 

Death

I have not been writing not because I am having a writer’s block. I did not write the last month plus as I wasn’t ready to face writing about 17th July 2014 which is the one year anniversary since Daddy passed on. Moving on to present-day, I will be facing yet another challenge to pass through. That hurdle happens to be Daddy’s birthday coming up on 29th August. You would have been 65 this year Daddy! It is the age when the government gives you back all the CPF money that you have been saving for all your life Daddy dear. Now, all that plan is just shelved for a rainy day for the family; for Mum.

Transition

I swear I feel your presence all around during the fasting month Daddy. Now that Eid is already over, I missed feeling that presence I felt and I sincerely look forward to the next one. I know the only consolation I feel with you gone is that you are no longer in any pain and that is comforting to me.

Till then, have a blast up there in Heaven Daddy. I am right here smack in the middle of Earth praying for your well-being and safety always. 

I love you more than words can ever say.

X

In Labour.

Today is the day that my younger cousin is admitted into hospital for her scheduled birth and I am stoked about the birth. However, considering that she is a good three years younger than me AND married with the impending arrival of a baby, I honestly feel old.

Like old in a seriously older than grandmother kind of old. 

I always thought I would be able to go through the motions of an engagement, marriage, honeymoon and child-bearing but in all honesty, the thought of bringing in life through my womb scares the shit pants out of me. I know many mothers disagree with me and will say that giving birth is the most beautiful thing the world has to offer but I honestly prefer raising a foster child from a less-developed nation and forgo all the pain and epidural side effects that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Maybe the rough childhood I had with my natural father that resulted in this strong stance against having my own kids.

You don’t need to give birth to the child to shower the same child with love, do you? Every child in this world is precious, a gift from God. Every child deserved a loving home with a pair of parents and home to shelter and nourish them. So why do we have to marginalize those that aren’t born from our chromosomes as not worthy of our love? They are innocent too. Just like animals. They didn’t choose to be born (especially those from less-developed countries) but they deserve all love a human heart is able to provide them.

Again, that is all of my opinion. Please do not chastise me for sharing with you my thoughts on my private space.

Family  1

Don’t get me wrong. I adore kids. But not from my own nether region please. I fear the pain more than anything else in the world. I would honestly rather bungee-jump in NZ.

I am thankful that the love is not keen on kids as if he wants like 5 of his and my mini-me, I swear I will celibate for my own good. Making love all day and night should be great but making and birthing babies is not part of my list of to-dos in life. I don’t mind adopting two kids (provided our finances can accommodate to it).

BUT for all you know, when I add a few years into my life, I may change my perspective all together…. And may wind up raising a football field of sorts on the backburner.

If you know what I mean.

🙂

Time With Family is Time Spent with The God.

Family

I love nothing more than to have the entire family; plus the sister-in law, nephew and the love, to sit down for a meal together and sharing the best dishes that the mummy has to offer. Prolly the biggest reason why I love family get-together and iftar. The dining table may be small but I know the kitchen is definitely full of love for everyone. Not everyone may share the same sentiment of course but this is my idea of happiness that no amount of money can buy.

I am positive Daddy will be looking down from Heaven and smiling widely at these weekend dinners that we have together.

🙂

9491th Day.

As my birthday concluded last night, I sneaked a chance today to reflect on things since I was busting the calories at the gym today. I can’t be more grateful to be 26 now that I am where I am and surrounded by the people who truly mattered. I know it hadn’t been an easy journey to turn 26, in fact I never envisioned living past 25 as I thought it is funny to plan for a life I am not sure of.

But God has been ever so Forgiving and I am thankful to wake up and be blessed enough to savor another day  with the family and the ones that matter the most to me.

The last two days had been a wonderful experience. In fact, it had been the best and definitely most memorable experience of a birthday well-spent. The only glitch? That four of my closest loves could not attend my birthday dinner with me.

Memories

One, Dad.

It is my first birthday without Papa and as much as I am glad that he no longer is in pain, missing him is undeniable. I am sure Mama had it harder than I do but the feeling of losing never seemed to go away does it? There are days I will stare hard at his portrait on my table and tell him that I miss seeing him smile. That sometimes seeing a photo of him smiling wide isn’t enough to make me miss him any lesser. I am not the most religious of Muslims but I do save a prayer for you as much as I can as you totally deserve it Daddy dear. I know you are watching me every step of the day as my guardian angel and I know that is comforting as I know I am safe in your protection in the eyes of God.

Two, Murugiah Komala.

The best friend is down with the sniffles and is out of action the last few days. Babe! Feel better soon please! I am craving for The Pizza Place dinner with you 🙂

Three, Maris Stella Djuli.

The other best friend who is in town with her gorgeous son BUT we can’t seemed to find the proper time and day to meet up for ngabuburit. 😦 See you soon my dear! Hopefully I can sneak back to Jakarta some time end of the year or early next year to see you and finally try out your home-cooking! 🙂

Four, Reaus.

I know this year had been a tough one for you with your Mum’s passing and in the deepest corners of my heart, I yearn to be close to you as before. However, I can only hope and wish for that to happen as our friendship is not one that is taken easily by your partner and I am deeply saddened to have to consider staying away so long as he remains your partner. I missed those days that we will call and catch up with each other over anything and everything under the sun and just laugh the moments away. I fondly remembered sneaking to WCP to surprise you one fine night and drop off a cake for you and your colleagues at work. I tell the love how sad it is like to watch a friendship disintegrate slowly but I do believe that perhaps some friendships can’t blossom due to reasons only God will know. I do have you in my prayers everyday. I pray that you will always remain safe in God’s protection and that you will continue to be strong when the going gets tough.

Play

I used to grow up regretting why certain things don’t end the way that I want to. But as I  blew my 26th candle yesterday, I resolute to never regret those missed chances and failed attempts. I strive to live a greater life everyday and to seize whatever opportunities I have every day to make my day better and happier for myself and those that matter around me. I believe God has His reasons, we just need to live through those bad decisions and make better ones for the greater future. 🙂

2 Ramadan 1435 Hijrah

Image

It was a morning of Ramadan that I woke up tad bit late for 8 o’clock work. I saw Mum sitting on the bed and fiddling with her phone and I asked whether she had eaten her sahur that morning. Mum shot me an absolutely blank face and asked me back.

“What sahur?”

I patiently told her that today is indeed fasting month and she needs to get up pronto to prepare food for herself and brother to eat before Subuh but again, the bewildered look was washed all over her face and she asked me again,

“What sahur? When did we sahur? It is Ramadan already?”

She got off the bed, walked to the kitchen table and then asked me again what day was it today and why are we hurrying to prepare to eat in the morning. Trust me, it all my years living with her, I have never seen her in such a blank state. I couldn’t gather my thoughts as to what exactly happened to her but I could only gathered that she needs help along the way or else she will be completely lost. I hurriedly placed all my bathing articles in the toilet and helped her in the kitchen. Mum would wash the cups half-way then stop awhile and ask me repeatedly;

“What day is it today, what is the date, how many days have we fasted and why are we fasting today?

Only the Lord knows how I managed to muster so much patience given that I was already late for work by a good half an hour. It just felt as though I felt the despair Mum felt and I can only hope that she will walk out of this blank and empty state as soon as she can. The good thing that I am thankful for was that her memory just happened to be wiped out of the events that happened yesterday. Somehow or rather, she was able to remember what happened on the day before yesterday but she wasn’t able to register the details of what happened in the later part of the day.

Somehow I knew in my deepest of hearts that something was clearly “off” about Mum but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Perhaps she woke up too sudden? Perhaps she was still on her deep sleep state? Perhaps her medication was still running high on her bloodstream? Perhaps she fell while everyone else was sleeping? Perhaps she was losing her mind? Perhaps. Those questions remained unanswered and will always be.

Anything could have caused it. Anyone could’ve missed it. Maybe it was meant to be that way. The sudden loss of memory on Mum decapitated me; I felt numb on the inside. I felt as though I was on the brink of losing someone dear again. I mean, who wakes up one fine morning and forgets everything? I thought those things only happened to goldfish? In all honesty, that is what I was think will happen to me. That I will be losing my memory one fine day and forget everything. I always prayed that it happened to me and not to anyone else. Especially Mum! She looked lost. Painfully lost as though she wants to try to remember but her brain just could not function right. Something looked clearly off about her.

The most heartbreaking moment had to be when I was about to leave home for work and I told her to take care and then she cried and said,

” Dear, Ma can’t remember anything? What’s wrong? Why am I like this? What day is it today? Today is Ramadan?” Then she gritted her teeth and sobbed quietly.

Walking away from her was definitely the hardest part of my day. Despite the fact that I was being late for work, the thought of walking away from a sad Mum who remained inconsolable was harder to bear.

The whole time I was at work, I was trying to be as focused as I could but I know Mum was very close in my mind. When I got home, she looked as though she’s back to 80% in her normal state. She baffled me further when she asked me what happened in the morning as she had no recollections of it at all.

I could only smile and said,

“Nothing happened Ma, you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

I think she deserved so much more after the loss of Dad that none of us know how empty she feels inside. After the incident today, I began to see her as a person who wants to move on so badly but there’s too much memories stored in the last 35 years of her life that 1 year isn’t sufficient for her to move on but I do hope and pray that she will not give up in trying to move on well past that stage where she lost the love of her life to destiny.

I am not one to question God’s will but I know He does know that she is a strong woman who will overcome all obstacles in her and our family’s way. But I am also aware that her heart is not the same now that her love is in God’s arms and this Ramadan will be the most trying Ramadan she’ll ever have to face alone. It’ll be her first. But I do hope, with all of our support, she will pull through. Stronger than ever before. I never imagined living a life without a father at 25. But I can’t quite imagine a life devoid of a mother if she is hanging in a limbo of the past and the present.

Hope

Stay strong Mummy. It isn’t going to be easy but I am sure you will pull through; we are all rallying around you. every step of the way. Insha Allah.

WEEK 2: Intuition, Confidence, Vibe Raisers!

Day 7: 

Sometimes, no amount of affirmations or afformations work in the moment you need them. That’s when it’s time to bust out the WW_Ds (what would __ do). Yep, channel someone else, roleplay and act from that space! CUT OUT the over analysing, the exhausting mental calisthenics and get rowdy!

For example: If you’re feeling wimpy, ask yourself WHAT WOULD CHUCK NORRIS DO and just for a moment, BE him. Think like him, act like him, talk like him. When you can’t swing it alone, it’s time to get help from your imagination.

It doesn’t even have to be a person – could be a power animal (cheetah!), quality or object (serene pool), type of person (leader) etc.

Play with this this. When you’re faced with a decision today, ask “what would ____ do”.

*

When I am down, usually I will remind myself of Dad. What would he do if he were in my shoes? Usually, that’ll help me solve my doubts and questions as there are many things that I have not expected him to do but he does them anyway. For each time that I am troubled,  I always remind myself the struggles Daddy went through to raise me and also the many years he fought valiantly against cancer. Then it’ll make me miss him and remind myself  that if I want to live a life that will make him proud, I will have to do more things that I am afraid of so that I can do better for my family in the future. Amin!

Easy Life!

WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

Day 5:

One way we lose our sparkle is by allowing tolerations (the # 1 energy leak!) to eat away at our peace of mind and energy.

Like the leaking tap that goes drip… drip… drip … could be nothing major, yet insidiously erodes anything it comes in contact with over a period of time. Often, we don’t even realise what’s happening till the damage has been done!

Today, shine the light of awareness on anything you’ve been avoiding or tolerating.

Then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Make a decision, finish or start something, give something away, clean your desk or closet, delete computer folders, return emails, ask for help, pay a bill, let go of something that’s not serving you … big or small, doesn’t matter.

UNBLOCK that stuck energy & free your mind 😉

*

There are many things that I have been avoiding for days and weeks and I foresee the oversight could possibly be because of my supposed “hectic” schedule and lack of time. I personally feel that if there’s one thing that I have been avoiding, it is to make even greater use of of my time.

Ever since Papa passed away, I began on this journey to better maximize the time given to me so as to not spend the rest of my life in regret over wasted time. I have learnt that being productive is important so that we can each fulfill our own needs and quantify our time to be spent better in the company of others versus sitting around and waiting for things to happen.

I see my elder brother as a clear example of someone who isn’t making full use of his time. I would say that if I am in my mid-thirties right now, I envision myself to be a successful career woman who is in a stable and loving marriage to the man of my dreams. I envision us being in different careers but the similarities between us is the common goal that we have to butter up each other for the next promotion, next curve ball, next challenge God has planned for us. We may, or may not have kids when I am 35 but I am confident that by then, we will probably have moved in to our new home and build a bright and beautiful future together as we anticipate the arrival of a bundle of joy. I know I dream of keeping a cat or two in my future home with my husband first just to “try out” parenthood before we dive into the 9-month-of-crazy-mood-swings and a lifetime of being responsible for the upbringing of a child from God.

We may not be there yet but I know we are closer to that dream today than yesterday. So how do we get ahead and get things done?

We plan better and make better use of the time we have now. 🙂 AMIN!

 

Father.

In a way the writer in the article below is “relatable” given the similarities in the way we grow up and how we are spending this year’s Father’s Day without our old man celebrating with us as they are busy lapping up the good stuff in Heaven. truthfully-speaking, her experiences strike a cord with me given that both our late fathers are thrifty and the wisest people on Earth.

https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140612141140-176887622-father-s-day-financial-advice?fromEmail=fromEmail&trk=eml-ced-b-art-M-2-9099547925662416795&midToken=AQGtR8mnjcNLQQ&ut=1zsusQ07jQNmg1

Reading her article makes me miss Papa a fair bit but I know Papa is doing  just fine in Heaven with all his favorite people around. Even the 3 Bujang Lapok bachelors (if you are acutely aware of old-Malaya actors from Jalan Ampas) are in Heaven too so, Heaven is definitely a fun place to be in now.

Bujang Lapok

Missing you always Papa, take care and lots of love from your baby girl.

XX

26th!

As I write the lines for this post, we are inching closer to the fasting month and also, my birthday month. As most of my friends already know, I always set up dares / challenges on the days leading up to my birthday to challenge myself out of my comfort zone ever since I was 15. In all honesty, I have not completed my 25th birthday challenge as aside from being swamped with work and family, I have yet to overcome the trypanophobia that I have. Nevetheless, I look forward to seeing my skin get pierced and blood extracted (hopefully real soon!) and complete that mission to donate blood.

On another note, I have decided to attempt a whole new set of goals for 26th birthday and that is to purchase and complete the entire 4 month long program from Kayla Itsines ‘s (@kaylaitsines) cool Bikini Body Guide program!

Image

http://www.kaylaitsines.com.au/bikini-body-guides/bikini-body-training-guide

I guess every since my recurring ankle injury two years ago, I have been more conscious of the efforts that I put in for my health and fitness and this would be a good transition and goal to commit to for the long-run. Another motivation that I have is my late father, I don’t want to go through what he went through during his life as I know it was a tough way to survive with bone and blood cancer raging all of your insides. It is painful and if there is a way that I can care for my body now and nourish it with the best nutrients that I can find, I would do exactly that. My action to be lean and healthy doesn’t stemmed from vanity. My motivation to change for the better is the result of seeing how the remaining years of our lives can be shortened just because we don’t take active steps to lead a healthier life when we are at our prime.

Here’s hoping for greater things to come and an even healthier, leaner me to see in the next few months!

XX

Reflections on a Quiet Drive

It was during a drive out one night that I chanced upon this song. There’s something monochromatic about the song and the vocals are equally haunting. It makes me remember those dark days of my life when I thought I won’t be able to wake up from the many nightmarish events I went through. I had a close friend who met me post-Daddy and he asked me how did I get over the loss and I could only shrug my shoulders. I don’t know how I did what I did but I guess the presence of a loved one close by me with the vow that he’ll love me through all my beautiful and ugly days makes all the difference I needed.

Sometimes, all you need to do is to reach out a hand.

I’m sure, there will always be at least one person who will take your hand and pull you through.

Never give up on the power of faith.

To lose hope is akin to losing out on life.

Have a listen to my current favorite song, cheers to the fabulous week ahead!

XO

Say Something by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

An Idyllic Getaway

The last month plus had been one long road to recover from the loss of Daddy. Two separate holidays to Cameroon Highlands with mum and to Jakarta / Bandung on my own. I dare say it isn’t as easy as it may seem to be. Many asked how did I move on so fast since the demise of Papa and I can only shrug my shoulders as I didn’t. I never did, I never will be. It’s like a missing tooth at adulthood. Once you lose your adult tooth, there’s no way in Hell that there is going to be a new replacement teeth growing out of that stump. Zilch. All that you have for the rest of your life is that empty stump between the other teeth you have. An empty space that the tongue tends to like to flick over “just to check” if there’s any significant growth of sorts.

You don’t get over death, you just move on with it behind you as a reminder that as much as you’ve lost much of life’s battles, you know there’s a sliver of rainbow hiding in the future somewhere out there for you to seek and maybe settle for a different sort of happiness.

Missing you everyday Daddy. I bet you’re looking up there from the Heavens to see us climb on top Mount Brinchang? Well that’s the closest that I can physically get to reach out for you in the skies. Maybe next time I’ll aim to climb a taller mountain. I love you Daddy, I miss you even more. Stay safe in Heaven Papa dear, I’ll see you when I see you. xo

The End of a February Nightmare

I admit that I have been immensely involved in work the last few months that I have been quiet online. Aside from having a new phone and having Instagram ( @ellyzselamat ) as a part of enlarging my scope of social network, I have been one too busy to write down the thoughts that have been omnipresent somewhere in the regions of my brain.

I have been lucky to be able to seek solace in reading. Presently I am reading a memoir of a breast-cancer survivor and it hadn’t been an easy book to read given that her life experiences veer real close to what I have been going through the many, many years ago before Daddy turned his light off on the dawn of 17th July 2013.

Papa, I miss you terribly and though everyone says or thinks that I am doing well, I admit that I am only human. Trust me, there are horrific days that I wake up thinking of how you left me and the topsy-turvy emotions that I feel every now and then. It feels as though I am battling some mental disorder of sorts. Psychosis or something? I genuinely hope not.

Anyway, I hope this would be a good start to writing online all over again and may this writing never fail in bringing out the words and the grief in me that I keep locked inside.

Here’s wishing one and all a beautiful day wherever you are, xoxo

Counting Stars

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars, yeah we’ll be counting stars

I see this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
And my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find
Old, but I’m not that old
Young, but I’m not that bold
I don’t think the world is sold
I’m just doing what we’re told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, coudn’t I, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be, we’ll be counting stars

I feel the love and I feel it burn
Down this river, every turn
Hope is a four-letter word
Make that money, watch it burn
Old, but I’m not that old
Young, but I’m not that bold
I don’t think the world is sold
I’m just doing what we’re told
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be, we’ll be counting stars

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Everything that kills me makes feel alive

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be, we’ll be, counting stars

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

*

The song is an inspiration. Ever since Daddy’s passing, I have been trying to find a go-to song and this song nailed it with the guitar bridge and the inspirational lyrics.