Conversations From the Heart

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked,

“Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?”

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, “Because we lose our calm, we shout.”

“But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.” asked the saint.

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.

Finally the saint explained,

“When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small.”

The saint continued, “When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.”

He looked at his disciples and said,

So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Thank you Muzzy for sharing this insightful article.

The Concluding Episode to the Rainbow Love Story

You were a great man when you gave up your everything to see my smile.

However, it is real unfortunate that I didn’t forgive you the instant that you made that grave mistake by my balcony and I reacted by shutting you out of my life entirely. Call me childish but honestly, I can’t quite take it back as the moment has already passed and there are only lessons to be learnt.

Also, one thing I guess you already learnt about me is that I move on real fast solely because, I am not one to harp over the past. I packed my bags and left, moving on to the next available man there was. It wasn’t because I didn’t have the heart nor carry the feelings for you no more than, I still did, I just vacuumed the feeling and shelved it away. Choosing to love another man who is better at loving and taking care of me.

I’m sure my immediate choice after you was a questionable one as that man I chose over you doesn’t fall under the category of “my type” but I disregarded all that list I had and just went ahead with loving the imperfect person he was.

On the eleventh month of 2011, we broke up acrimoniously and he left a huge depressing black hole within me.

From that, I learnt one thing, I was capable of loving a purely imperfect and maniacal devil yet still be able to accept him as he is. He wasn’t the perfect boyfriend for an independent person like me. He’d fetch me everyday, every night even when I protest but he did that out of concern. But he had the same negative quality you had. He was an immensely jealous boyfriend, far worse than you. He was an ingredient of my everyday so much so that when he cheated on me over a colleague in his workplace, I was beyond bonkers. I went insane as he was capable of going from loving me intensely yesterday, breaking up with me over text today and be caught by my best friend canoodling with another woman tomorrow.

Being with him taught me many things but at the same time, he took away my independent identity. I grew into a dependant woman even I hate to see in the mirror. I became the trophy girlfriend coveted by his guy friends as I was much smarter, classier, prettier, richer and sweeter than his ex-es. I hang out with them for supper on most nights even after work to the point that it took its toll on my work and I dropped out of Fast-Track Program because I was too gooey-eyed in love to notice the ripple effect. Suddenly, I had so many new friends that my career didn’t matter. I rode on bikes, had my own helmet and was this close to signing up for Class 2B.

But at the back of my mind, I never stopped being concerned about you.

I know the park incident was too ugly to be remembered considering that you & I have spent many, many nights under the moonlight. In fact, I think it wasn’t necessary that I got my then-boyfriend to tell you that things between us was clearly over. In fact it was the mistake which proved to be my biggest downfall in love. I let a man rule my life to the point that he answered to being my backbone and my everything. He was everything that you weren’t. He was rowdy, unlike your quiet demeanour and basically, a huge mistake too. Before I found out he cheated on me, I was taking great pains to get him back. Even Reaus who was my BFF at work took the time off work to help pull me out of the rut I was in. Like what Reaus said, I was a complete shadow of my former self and needed help.

But upon realising that I was being taken for a ride again, this time by that douchebag, I saw history repeating itself. I saw love as pain. It reminded me of Izzat, of you and of every single failed relationship I’ve had. But it also made me realise that among all the failed relationships I’ve had, the one I had with you was the one I wished I could recover and revert back. Partly because, you remained the sweetheart you were then and even till now and the other reason was that my family thinks really highly of you as you acted like the perfect gentleman even after our love story concluded.

I take my hats off to you Muzzy, you were brilliant then, and you remained equally brilliant now. I just wished things between us weren’t this hostile now as I feel that the tables have been turned and it’s you whose turning me away now. My current love knows about you and your existence, he has acknowledged your presence and has no qualms about me being friends with you.

I’ll never forget you for you were a part of my history and will always be in my good thoughts as aside from that balcony incident, you never do anything wrong unto me. For all that good memories and then some, thank you boy. You were the perfect man at the perfect time but I suppose now, the perfect time has faded away between us. If I bump into on the street, I’ll definitely stop to say hello for you are one person I don’t even want to say goodbye to.

After all, the rainbow umbrella continues to be the one distinctive thing I carry to remind me that no matter how gloomy or heavy the rain maybe, I can always look up to my umbrella and I’ll see gorgeous colors of a rainbow in place each time, everytime.

The Ugly Truth

And so the truth from my end came out and it disappointed, angered and frustrated you. I won’t apologise for making you feel that way but granted a little bit of sympathy from your side, I wished you’d actually considered putting yourself in my shoes, first. Thanks anyway, your reaction concludes this episode to the tragedy. I sincerely wish you well.

To Somebody I Used to Know

It’s funny that despite all these while, I’ve been trying my darndest to be as polite as I can be but all that pleasantries has been met with nothing more than a rude and cold shock. If that’s the way you intend to deal with me then by all means, you are more than welcomed to.

But not when I’ve been treating you nicely all these while.

There’s only so much one can take when it comes to rudeness and I find that you’ve veered off the neutral margin and you don’t quite deserve even knowing what’s going on in my life or even talk to me. Good Lord, you can’t even speak to me nicely, I don’t fathom why you continue to be in contact with me when you treat me like that. I didn’t mind having you on FourSq, I sporadically text you and at the same time, I also initiate a conversational game with you via WordFeud. But you rejected the game (ironically, accepted it when my brother adds you to a game with him), talk to me in such a disappointing manner and don’t even carry much depth in your language to me no more.

Who are you? And what have I done wrong to deserve this?

You didn’t have to cut me off, treat me like a complete stranger in your life.

I can make this much easier for you, I’ll gladly disappear from your life with immediate effect if that makes moving on easier for you as hey, I’ve moved on but you haven’t. It’s you who haven’t and it’s not right to treat the person whose been neutral after all the forgiving was over.

Strangely, all this level of immaturity is coming from a future counsellor, ironic much.

‘Cos now you are just somebody I used to know, no longer know even an ounce to make a difference.

“M”

To You,

Thank you.

I appreciate your concern. For that, I am infinitely grateful you still very much care. Truthfully, it’s not that I set out on an adventure alone for this trip. It wasn’t a choice I made, it was a decision that was already fated to occur. It was supposed to be a getaway trip with a former boyfriend but alas, the relationship went kapoot. The current one isn’t able to fly out as he has commitments to his medical studies hence, also a no-no. So I decided to call upon a few friends to go on the trip with me. From four, it dwindled to just one travelling companion. However when I went on and proceeded to book the return flight and accomodation two days back, the final companion couldn’t confirm she could go or not (after my bookings has been made) as she was having marital troubles with regards to the custody battle with her ex-husband. The rest backed out citing reasons such as work commitments and so forth and I totally understand that.

After all, I am the one whose putting a stop to my career to find out what exactly I want from my life. I’m choosing this unconventional route of not knowing where I am headed to and what I am doing next, not the others. Other peoples’ lives continue in their own monotonous motion but mine, as much as it’s stagnant, I’m the writer and ruler of my own rules. I didn’t choose to travel alone but if it’s fated that way then fine, I’ll go with whatever life throws at me. I understand your concern and Daddy shares it too with the recent bombing in BKK; even I am gravely concerned.

Granted, if I travel alone, I will strive to ensure it is a familiar territory such as Indonesia whereby striking a conversation with a local is as easy on the eyes as it is on the lips. Don’t worry, I’ll be okaye but I will definitely take care of myself as well. For now, let me cancel my luxurious suite booking in Suvarnabhumi first (major sigh!) and (hopefully I’m allowed to – double cross!) change my flights to another destination.

I will definitely keep you posted through here & yes, I do still read yor humble online abode ­čÖé

Much love and kind regards,
Yours truly

Tumblr & How It Changes Things

This is an excerpt that I got from an online tumblr I was reading and I can’t seemed to find the right time to post it until today as it is somewhat related to me and also to the friend I’ve been hoping will find his inch of happiness as he totally deserves it.

M, this one’s for you.

I know it took you a million years (which felt quite like eternity) for you to move on from the episode 18 months ago. But after so long of not reading your blog, I am very happy, intensely elated to know that you’ve taken the bold step to move away from your past relationship. I think the time is ripe for you to grow and get that shot of happiness, with whoever your heart fancy.

It may be in its infancy but truthfully, I hope to hear good things coming out from it. You and I, we will never be quite the same anymore and I think it’s best we keep it this way so as to prevent any further heartbreaks anymore. I have always had the intention to want to continue to be friends with you like those days but there’s the saying,

‘.. friends to lovers, yes. Lovers to friends, never.”

I guess no matter how hard I try to build something fresh with you, you will always have that past thought in your head and I don’t blame you. As much as you’ve been forgiven long ago, I know you aren’t as forgiving as myself. Hence it’s better this way that we go on with our separate lives as two completely different souls on entirely different journeys.

You’ve taught me well M but sometimes, some people are just meant to teach you life lessons and move out of our lives for the betterment of others. So for that, I’ll always remember to give you a word of thanks to Him for granting me the opportunity to know you on a deeper level as compared to before. I will not delete all the memories we’ve shared but truthfully now that you’ve moved on, gradually so will I. I’d love for us to be fit back the pieces we’ve torn apart but I know in my deepest of hearts that it will never happen.

A shattered glass will never be fixed the same way again. Cheers to a better 2012 and a bundleful of joy for you and your loved ones. I wish you peace, greater health and hopefully you’ll be able to find that ounch of happiness you’ve lost over the years.

The X Files

Being on MC actually made me go all Inspector Curious on things which usually don’t bother me much. I googled things related to my past and that includes my past friends who don’t made it to the present and of course, the exes who got dumped along the way. Among all my ex-boyfriends, I’ve always maintained a good rapport with all of them.

All but one.

Funny but as much as I am dying to see him in person and acknowledge how he’s been like post-me, I have yet to have the luck to even see him despite hanging around his area often enough. Maybe God granted this as a blessing since I’ve not exactly come across face-to-face with him since our break-up in 2008 and I guess I should thank my lucky stars a million times over. I guess looking upon him online just brings me to the question,

“Who is his next prey after I left?”

After all, life with him as far as I remembered wasn’t all rosy and great. We had our ups & downs but nevertheless, I thanked him for the three years where he taught me enough life lessons to bring forth to my future.

*

He taught me never to trust people easily;
even if that means not trusting the one you love the most.

He taught me to be careful with my money;
Lord I was able to lavish him with so many things with my then paltry internship allowance of $700. Now earning thrice of that also sometimes isn’t enough for lavishing on myself sometimes. Heh heh ­čÖé

He taught me that if you love someone enough, you’ll do anything and everything for that person just to make them happy;
even if it means leaving behind your family to co-habit and be a part of his. Funny ‘cos my parents never scolded me even when I stayed over at his place or treated my own home like a hotel.

He taught me that even bad people have their good side;
he nursed me back to health when I was down with high fever and even drove me to the polyclinic in the wee hours of the morning & made me home-made chicken soup & feed me my medicine on-time, everytime.

He taught me that material wants don’t compensate the lack of happiness in one’s life;
he gave me a car, hoping to use it to propose to me but I being the smart one knew that saying yes to the proposal won’t guarantee me a lifetime of happiness. Maybe, a lifetime of debt instead.

He taught me that in any relationship, there has to be a two-way street;
Anything he asked for, I granted them all as though I am a Fairy Godmother with a secret pocket of magic gifts. I kept on giving in to his demands, there has to be a time when that ends, right?

He taught me that if the guy really loves you, he won’t hurt you in anyway;
he did, one way at a time throughout the three years I was with him. You name them, I’ll definitely say he’s done them all.

He taught me to stay independent regardless of situation;
I was financially independent since I was 15 and when I was with him, I was also supporting him and his spendings. Post break-up, I’ve grown to be more careful with my spendings. I spend wonders on people who actually matters the world to me instead of some dirt guy whose just there to take all your savings away for some gadget to fix on his BMW.

He taught me that if a guy tries to change you to what he wants you to be, he doesn’t love you the way you are;
He changed me from a girly girl to a tee & jeans ensemble girl so that I won’t look appealing to other guys and banned me from wearing make-up. What did I do? I listened for three whole years – the things you do for love is endless.

He taught me that short guys not necessarily are the humble lot as compared to the tall guys;
aside from some short guys I’ve dated, most of them actually have huge egos compared to their vertically perfect counterparts. They prolly can just compensate their lack of height by being awesome in bed? But still not enough compensation for me.

*

So why am I bringing up the X files again you may ask?

Well, I just happened to chance upon his profile after my BFF casually mentioned he tried adding her via FB so curiosity indeed killed me (read: the cat). Heh, well anyway, I see that he’s going serious with a girl who happens to be one of my seniors in SHATEC. Boy, the world is such a huge place and you still turn to look into your past to find love? Funny, funny. Well I have to say she definitely looks more like a sweet pie as compared to me, she’s got the perfect Indian eyes he always digs in a girl and but of all, she’s slightly shorter than him. Perhaps she’s got the housewife character he wants in a woman? The one who sits at home everyday and looks pretty while the husband is the only one who works and support the family? Good on them, I do wish her luck and hopefully if they do end up settling down, he’ll treat her right and not let history repeat itself.

I was able to set myself free as I made a choice to choose my source of happiness wisely.

I’m not sure if this girl will be able to do that.

Blowing Twenty-Three Candles

This is my 23rd year on Planet Earth and although I’d wished I had a better way of celebrating the minute the clock strikes midnight of July 5th, I can’t be more thankful that:

  1. I had a guy waited for me patiently to get home from my mega-splurge in town with a bouquet of colored tissue flowers folded into 23 pink and red flowers – I love only real sunflowers, I hate roses and one reason why I prefer not to get real flowers for any occasion is simply because the flowers look abso awful when they start to wilt and dry out. Paper flowers suit me just fine (it may seem childish to most but hey, five years on, does your bouquet of expensive tulips last as long as my hand-made flowers? I doubt it)
  2. I had a long-time friend from Oz fly across the Indian Ocean to celebrate a surprise birthday dinner with me. Tell me, how many of you are as lucky as that? A friend is not a friend until he / she flies across the globe just to be there for you on your momentous birthday.
  3. I had an old flame leave a box of trinkets he picked up along the way which reminded him of me. So we parted due to unforseen circumstances but there’s nothing to stop him from sharing the birthday joy with me, right?
  4. I have my BFF from Medan send me a text on time for my birthday, every single year without fail.
  5. I have the Martian BFF sing me a birthday song over the phone. Sure she was late by a good 13 hours but really, what mattered was the fact that she still remembered, ten years into the friendship.
  6. I had a crew save her wages to get me a lovely perfume just because she wants me to smell as good as I always do, everyday.
  7. I had so many people coming up to me wishing me a happy birthday, some include people whom I don’t even recognize!
  8. I celebrated my birthday with a mega-bash at Dbl-O with my closest friends in Macs and they made me feel even more greater than a princess with a flurry of kisses and hugs and smiles all night long!

*

It was a memorable birthday, can easily top the ones that I’ve had previously. I can never thank Him enough for the Angels he sent to protect and love me the way I am.

­čÖé

Long Distance

I’m trying to reach out my hand to touch you, help you, feel you but you are pushing all the forces of nature away.
Why does it end up this way between us.
Boohoo.
Maybe it’s kismet.

Damsel Talk Part 2

What the hell,
I don’t know people frown in their sleep.
Sure they would smile if they are having sweet dreams, right? Unless they are having nightmares of course.
Now you sound like the bigger roving idiot.
Heh.
Okaye peace.

If You Must Know,

… though we don’t communicate in person anymore, I read your WP every single night without fail. It’s like my secret little bedtime story as I try to end the night. But reading your site always makes me have sadness clouding my thoughts ‘cos you don’t seemed to be doing too well. Wish you were doing much better than the way you are now but I seriously doubt that you can get anywhere past that.

Please move on, can you ?

We don’t keep in touch no more but I still do care for you.

A Great Loss

You’ve planned so many things in my departure, are you sure about fulfilling all of them ? I know you are doing all that to make up for lost time but really, the only reason why I walked away is because I find your dreams tad bit impulsive and too many to deal with at any given time. Sometimes I wish you’d just take a break from it all and just focus all your energy in one dream, accomplish it and then go on to the next dream.

Remember the quote, “Jack of all trades, Master of none..”?

I wish I can reach out to you but I know I can’t. I can only watch you from afar and pray that you’ll come to your senses quickly.

To The Short Indian Boy from DTM July ’05

Thought you may want to seek some consolation of sorts as despite knowing clearly that I am seeing someone new, I can safely say your memories with my family is still pictured clearly in their heads. The other day, Dad asked how you’ve been and brother #2 has indirectly mentioned that he prefers you to anyone else I’ve brought home of late. The latter was purely for stability reasons as you’ve got your Dad’s jewelery business to fall back on should your studies take you nowhere. Other guys aren’t that blessed, you know.

I wished I shared the same sentiment. Sadly I don’t but don’t despair, you’ve got my family thinking of you every once in awhile and I think that is good enough.

Stay safe.

Your Songs,

.. given the situation you are in right now:

That Should Be Me
by
Justin Beiber featuring Rascal Flatts

If Time is All I Have
by
James Blunt

*

I’m not mocking you or anything. But of late, I keep listening to the same songs playing on the airwaves as I cruise to work or when I head out. Sometimes I feel as though the songs are your way of telling me how much you regrets how things turned out. I’m sorry if they remind you of everything. Please don’t be torn up ‘cos I didn’t picked you.

Moving On

Every ending is simply a new beginning.
Nothing ends, nothing.
All is a beginning.
Welcome to the new now.

Author Unknown

I guess it’s extremely painful beyond words to move on without having me there by your side no more. Maybe it’s a sudden death ? But truth is, it hurts me even more when I know you are suffering miserably. Given a choice, I’d gladly turn back time and make sure things didn’t end so acrimoniously. But I know I can’t turn things back to where we both had hoped they’d turn out. It all happened for a reason only He knows.

I’ve walked out and am still walking far away from you. As far as I’m concerned, no regrets. Please, consider this my final plea that you seek perhaps Divine Intervention to make sure you do the same.

I just want you to be okaye.