365 Days Plus Without You

How is the air up there in Heaven daddy? I miss you lots every single day. Funny how your passing doesn’t seemed to make me miss you any lesser. In fact I still wonder and think of you every single day as when you were still alive.

Goodbye

 

I missed your smile the most. I also missed seeing you shuffling between the rooms, sleeping with the tv on, smelling your greying hair and scrubbing your back for a home-made spa. I missed nagging at you to eat your medicines. I missed holding your hand when I measure your BP. I missed wheeling you around on the wheelchair at top speed which you always say makes your heart hurt but you unabashedly admit that it was fun. I missed telling you stories about work. I missed having you at the kitchen, happily taste-testing my random recipes I found on the Internet. I missed seeing you wearing your favorite Goldlion belt and slouchy polo pants to the hospital. I missed cutting your toe nails and buffing them up to a pristine shine. I missed reminding you to brush your teeth before you sleep. I missed asking you if you are okay. I missed telling you that it will all be okay. I missed waking up at ungodly hours and checking on you. I missed checking your glucose level and writing them in the chart book. I missed telling Dr Satish how great you are doing. I missed seeing you devour the crab claws from Hei Sushi and your favorite fried tofu. I missed you giving me that cheeky smile, telling me you want a tad bit of Sprite and winded up drinking everything. 

Death

I have not been writing not because I am having a writer’s block. I did not write the last month plus as I wasn’t ready to face writing about 17th July 2014 which is the one year anniversary since Daddy passed on. Moving on to present-day, I will be facing yet another challenge to pass through. That hurdle happens to be Daddy’s birthday coming up on 29th August. You would have been 65 this year Daddy! It is the age when the government gives you back all the CPF money that you have been saving for all your life Daddy dear. Now, all that plan is just shelved for a rainy day for the family; for Mum.

Transition

I swear I feel your presence all around during the fasting month Daddy. Now that Eid is already over, I missed feeling that presence I felt and I sincerely look forward to the next one. I know the only consolation I feel with you gone is that you are no longer in any pain and that is comforting to me.

Till then, have a blast up there in Heaven Daddy. I am right here smack in the middle of Earth praying for your well-being and safety always. 

I love you more than words can ever say.

X

Advertisements

In Labour.

Today is the day that my younger cousin is admitted into hospital for her scheduled birth and I am stoked about the birth. However, considering that she is a good three years younger than me AND married with the impending arrival of a baby, I honestly feel old.

Like old in a seriously older than grandmother kind of old. 

I always thought I would be able to go through the motions of an engagement, marriage, honeymoon and child-bearing but in all honesty, the thought of bringing in life through my womb scares the shit pants out of me. I know many mothers disagree with me and will say that giving birth is the most beautiful thing the world has to offer but I honestly prefer raising a foster child from a less-developed nation and forgo all the pain and epidural side effects that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Maybe the rough childhood I had with my natural father that resulted in this strong stance against having my own kids.

You don’t need to give birth to the child to shower the same child with love, do you? Every child in this world is precious, a gift from God. Every child deserved a loving home with a pair of parents and home to shelter and nourish them. So why do we have to marginalize those that aren’t born from our chromosomes as not worthy of our love? They are innocent too. Just like animals. They didn’t choose to be born (especially those from less-developed countries) but they deserve all love a human heart is able to provide them.

Again, that is all of my opinion. Please do not chastise me for sharing with you my thoughts on my private space.

Family  1

Don’t get me wrong. I adore kids. But not from my own nether region please. I fear the pain more than anything else in the world. I would honestly rather bungee-jump in NZ.

I am thankful that the love is not keen on kids as if he wants like 5 of his and my mini-me, I swear I will celibate for my own good. Making love all day and night should be great but making and birthing babies is not part of my list of to-dos in life. I don’t mind adopting two kids (provided our finances can accommodate to it).

BUT for all you know, when I add a few years into my life, I may change my perspective all together…. And may wind up raising a football field of sorts on the backburner.

If you know what I mean.

🙂

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 15!

Woohoo, Day 15! One more week to go. How are you doing? How’s the course been for you so far? Hit reply and let me know what’s going on for you, if you have any questions, experiences you’d like to share etc.

It’s been a powerful, introspective week so let’s cap it off with doing something special. This is your invitation to pamper, spoil, or treat yourself!

Today, start a happy jar. On little pieces of paper, write down a bunch of stuff that you love to do and makes you happy. Every week, take a piece of paper out and do what it says!

If you make this a regular practice, you’ll be way happier, more energised, and your Inner Sparkle will twinkle like lights in your eyes 🙂 A previous participant got her entire family making up happy jar slips ~ the kids loved it!

Go on, be good to yourself. You DESERVE it!

Wishes Jar

I am going to start listing down my jars all this week. Let’s see what happens!

🙂

9491th Day.

As my birthday concluded last night, I sneaked a chance today to reflect on things since I was busting the calories at the gym today. I can’t be more grateful to be 26 now that I am where I am and surrounded by the people who truly mattered. I know it hadn’t been an easy journey to turn 26, in fact I never envisioned living past 25 as I thought it is funny to plan for a life I am not sure of.

But God has been ever so Forgiving and I am thankful to wake up and be blessed enough to savor another day  with the family and the ones that matter the most to me.

The last two days had been a wonderful experience. In fact, it had been the best and definitely most memorable experience of a birthday well-spent. The only glitch? That four of my closest loves could not attend my birthday dinner with me.

Memories

One, Dad.

It is my first birthday without Papa and as much as I am glad that he no longer is in pain, missing him is undeniable. I am sure Mama had it harder than I do but the feeling of losing never seemed to go away does it? There are days I will stare hard at his portrait on my table and tell him that I miss seeing him smile. That sometimes seeing a photo of him smiling wide isn’t enough to make me miss him any lesser. I am not the most religious of Muslims but I do save a prayer for you as much as I can as you totally deserve it Daddy dear. I know you are watching me every step of the day as my guardian angel and I know that is comforting as I know I am safe in your protection in the eyes of God.

Two, Murugiah Komala.

The best friend is down with the sniffles and is out of action the last few days. Babe! Feel better soon please! I am craving for The Pizza Place dinner with you 🙂

Three, Maris Stella Djuli.

The other best friend who is in town with her gorgeous son BUT we can’t seemed to find the proper time and day to meet up for ngabuburit. 😦 See you soon my dear! Hopefully I can sneak back to Jakarta some time end of the year or early next year to see you and finally try out your home-cooking! 🙂

Four, Reaus.

I know this year had been a tough one for you with your Mum’s passing and in the deepest corners of my heart, I yearn to be close to you as before. However, I can only hope and wish for that to happen as our friendship is not one that is taken easily by your partner and I am deeply saddened to have to consider staying away so long as he remains your partner. I missed those days that we will call and catch up with each other over anything and everything under the sun and just laugh the moments away. I fondly remembered sneaking to WCP to surprise you one fine night and drop off a cake for you and your colleagues at work. I tell the love how sad it is like to watch a friendship disintegrate slowly but I do believe that perhaps some friendships can’t blossom due to reasons only God will know. I do have you in my prayers everyday. I pray that you will always remain safe in God’s protection and that you will continue to be strong when the going gets tough.

Play

I used to grow up regretting why certain things don’t end the way that I want to. But as I  blew my 26th candle yesterday, I resolute to never regret those missed chances and failed attempts. I strive to live a greater life everyday and to seize whatever opportunities I have every day to make my day better and happier for myself and those that matter around me. I believe God has His reasons, we just need to live through those bad decisions and make better ones for the greater future. 🙂

ENFJ in General.

ENFJs are natural-born leaders, full of passion and charisma. Forming around two percent of the population, they are oftentimes our politicians, our coaches and our teachers, reaching out and inspiring others to achieve and to do good in the world. With a natural confidence that begets influence, ENFJs take a great deal of pride and joy in guiding others to work together to improve themselves and their community.

People are drawn to strong personalities, and ENFJs radiate authenticity, concern and altruism, unafraid to stand up and speak when they feel something needs to be said. They find it natural and easy to communicate with others, especially in person, and their Intuitive (N) trait helps ENFJs to reach every mind, be it through facts and logic or raw emotion. ENFJs easily see people’s motivations and seemingly disconnected events, and are able to bring these ideas together and communicate them as a common goal with an eloquence that is nothing short of mesmerizing.

The interest ENFJs have in others is genuine, almost to a fault – when they believe in someone, they can become too involved in the other person’s problems, place too much trust in them. Luckily, this trust tends to be a self-fulfilling prophesy, as ENFJs’ altruism and authenticity inspire those they care about to become better themselves. But if they aren’t careful, they can overextend their optimism, sometimes pushing others further than they’re ready or willing to go.

Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.

David Deida

 

ENFJs are vulnerable to another snare as well: they have a tremendous capacity for reflecting on and analyzing their own feelings, but if they get too caught up in another person’s plight, they can develop a sort of emotional hypochondria, seeing other people’s problems in themselves, trying to fix something in themselves that isn’t wrong. If the ENFJ gets to a point where they are held back by limitations someone else is experiencing, it can hinder their ability to see past the dilemma and be of any help at all. When this happens, it’s important for ENFJs to pull back and use that self-reflection to distinguish between what they really feel, and what is a separate issue that needs to be looked at from another perspective.

ENFJs are genuine, caring people who talk the talk and walk the walk, and nothing makes them happier than leading the charge, uniting and motivating their team with infectious enthusiasm. ENFJs are passionate altruists, sometimes even to a fault, and they are unlikely to be afraid to take the slings and arrows while standing up for the people and ideas they believe in. It is no wonder that many famous ENFJs are US Presidents – this personality type wants to lead the way to a brighter future, whether it’s by leading a nation to prosperity, or leading their little league softball team to a hard-fought victory.

Most typical ENFJ careers share one key attribute—they focus on making other people happy. ENFJs are usually very warm, sociable, and altruistic, and they have many viable choices when it comes to choosing the career that is best for them. We will list some of the most common roles below, but please feel free to drop us a message if you have any comments or ideas.

Let us start examining ENFJ career choices by stating the somewhat obvious fact that ENFJs are sincerely interested in other people and try to do their best to help them. On top of this, people with the ENFJ personality type tend to have extraordinary social and networking skills—it is quite common for an ENFJ to be “that person who knows everybody.” ENFJs truly shine in customer-relations careers or roles where they need to be dealing with other people on a daily basis. They can be brilliant sales representatives, advertising consultants, or HR administrators.

Next, ENFJs are usually quite sensitive and even somewhat idealistic. This is a double-edged sword, as the same sensitivity draws ENFJs toward careers that reward high emotional intelligence; on the other hand, ENFJs are very vulnerable to criticism and should stay away from stressful careers. Some of the ENFJ careers to avoid include finance (especially stock trading), law enforcement, corporate management, emergency personnel, medicine, and the military.

People with this personality type are also really creative, organized, and honest. This makes them excellent psychologists, event coordinators, or politicians. (There are some honest politicians in the world!) Also, one of the best ENFJ careers can be found in writing; however, ENFJs tend to approach this from a journalistic rather than book-writing perspective as such a career allows them to leverage their people skills.

Finally, ENFJs love new challenges and the thrill they get from helping other people. Consequently, many ENFJs are found in “altruistic” careers, e.g., social or religious work, teaching, or counseling. However, it should also be noted that ENFJs need constant approval from other people in order to feel satisfied and happy. If this is not forthcoming, the ENFJ may burn out very quickly and move to another career path or project.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I am glad to have pursued a hobby in writing and also dabbled in event planning but the one that is giving me the most joy now is writing in WordPress! 🙂

WEEK 3: Self Love & Worthiness

Day 12:

Two words: SELF LOVE.

We all have highly experienced inner meaniepants aka internal critics and saboteurs, but don’t practice loving ourselves enough. Self love is the cornerstone to a life that works and works well!

Today, list 10 things (yes, TEN) you love/like/appreciate about you. Stand in front of a mirror and say them, write them down, tell a friend, email me, or get creative with the prompt any which way you want.

It’s time you saw yourself as others see you, sparklepants! As the gorgeous, amazing, talented, creative, loving, compassionate and authentic person that you are.

xo, Tia

Carrie Says

10 Things I love /  like / appreciate about ME:

  1. I love how large my eyes are  and how seductive my mole sits on the outer rim of my eyes.
  2. I love how sexy the nape of my neck is and how the curve form right down to my hips.
  3. I love the fact that I have a generous set of hips which means I should hope for more kids! 🙂
  4. I love my fiercely independent nature of my being that won’t answer to any other man except for my parents.
  5. I love that I am financially independent and can have enough funds for my foreseeable future and family.
  6. I love that I can make others smile just by my warm smile and friendly persona.
  7. I love that I do not have Facebook so as to maintain that aura of mystery within me.
  8. I love that I am highly protective of my circle of family and friends and I don’t let naysayers affect any of them.
  9. I love that I have great ambitions to spur me further into the future; it’s just about getting the timing right!
  10. I love that streak of adventure within me that isn’t dampened by the forces of circumstances; I am willing to work hard for it so as to ensure a better life for myself and my family.

🙂

PS: I can actually do more than 10 if I was given the choice! Teehee.

Bucket List of Places to Go!

I would like to add these 19 gorgeous libraries across the world into my bucket list of libraries that I would like to see and visit at least once in my lifetime.

https://sg.news.yahoo.com/photos/gorgeous-libraries-around-the-world-1387793545-slideshow/gorgeous-libraries-from-around-the-world-photo-1386086481374.html

On top of that, granted the luxury of time and excess pockets of money, I would love to visit these beautiful wonders of the world (not in the official list):

https://sg.news.yahoo.com/photos/extraordinary-world-phenomenons-slideshow/lightning-striking-grand-canyon-photo–1618297586.html

And also, a must is to go and visit…

Machu Picchu,

Machu Picchu!

Seychelles,

Seychelles

Hanging Gardens of Babylon,

Hanging Gardens of Babylon

Santorini,

Santorini

Burj Al Arab,

Burj Al Arab

as they have stolen my heart way back when I was studying them in Tourism Geography back in SHATEC. Ideally would be to visit all 21 wonders of the ancient, current and future wonders of the world! Insha Allah, AMIN!

🙂

A Grim Reminder

This question & answer post initially was meant to be posted in 2011 but I never went around writing it.

Question: What’s it take to put a ring around my finger in this lifetime?

Answer: A whole lot of guts, thick-skinned belief & the promise of a lifetime of love, laughter & happiness.

🙂

Today, I was doing a google search of my ex-SHATEC lecturer whom I heard had passed away recently and I winded up chancing upon an ex-boyfriend who turned up on the same search. Turns out he was getting married to the girl that he hooked up with after our relationship crumbled. He ended up on the Google search as apparently the girl and him are getting their pre-wedding video done in the school. Did they even dated during the duration of our tertiary education? Funny that they had that video taken as during the course of the time that I was in school, he was dating me and we were together for the entire 3 years of my studies while he graduated after the 2nd year so how was it possible that SHATEC was where their love blossomed? I felt cheated then, I still feel the same now.

Somehow or rather, seeing his photo with the girl was like opening back an old wound. Forgive me for doing that but I didn’t expect that I would chance upon him while searching for “Christopher Loh”. In all honesty, I do not harbor any hard feelings for him and I sincerely wish him well. It is just the thought of seeing him in a photo shook me down to my core as after all, he was in that part of my life that was too painful to remember yet important to remember so as not to go down the same road again.

I sincerely wish you happiness Muhammad ‘Izzat bin Said in your upcoming nuptials. I never crossed paths with you ever since and I don’t hope for that day I ever will. I prefer that you remain hidden deep in my past as a grim reminder of what love can do to a person if the person is too in love with someone else.

I am thankful and blessed that the one I am with is in no way the same as you. I am thankful that when I left you, the One that was meant for me came into my life was the Heaven I was searching for; syukran for that. Alhamdulillah!

WEEK 1: Values and Perspectives

Day 1 prompt: 

Values Mining! List your top 5 values, the ones that matter the most to you – if you’ve never done this before, just brain dump and start writing everything you can think of, then pick the 5 that resonate most. If you’ve done it before, revisit your top values and see if they still resonate or if they’ve changed.

 

Perhaps I will share with you what are the few values that I hold close to my heart before I start shortlisting the 5 that I am going to choose for my course.

Accomplishment

Activeness

Adventure

Affection

Ambition

Balance

Calmness

Change

Chastity

Cleanliness

Comfort

Commitment

Compassion

Confidence

Conservation

Consistency

Courtesy

Decisiveness

Devotion

Discipline

Drive

Empathy

Encouragement

Elegance

Energy

Entertainment

Environmentalism

Ethics

Excitement

Faith

Family

Fascination

Fashion

Fidelity

Financial Independance

Fitness

Frankness

Frugality

Fun

Generosity

Gregariousness

Growth

Happiness

Health

Honesty

Honor

Hospitality

Humour

Hygiene

Imagination

Independance

Inspiration

Joy

Liveliness

Love

Loyalty

Marriage

Maturity

Motivation

Nature

Neatness

Open-mindness

Optimism

Patience

Passion

Peace

Perfection

Perserverance

Persistence

Piety

Pleasure

Practicality

Pride

Privacy

Professionalism

Prudence

Relaxation

Sensuality

Serenity

Sexiness

Shrewdness

Sincerity

Spontaneity

Stability

Strength

Support

Temperance

Thrift

Trust

Truth

Uniqueness

Vitality

Warmheartedness

Wisdom

(Extracted from: http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/list-of-values.htm)

As I read and write the few values that resonate in my life, I can clearly see how that my values tend to fall under similar categories and I am glad they do! Or else I will have a hard time shortlisting them to the top 5.

With that, I have decided to shortlist the values to these 5:

Independance

Love

Happiness

Fitness

Thrift

I would gladly add 5 more to include family, trust, pleasure, practicality and growth though.

🙂

PS: Stay tuned for Day 2 tomorrow!

Inner Sparkle e-Course

It has come to my attention that I have bought this e-Course but I have yet to fully utilize it to unleash my spiritual wow-ness. I was thinking,  before I embark on a course to train my physical strength with Kayla Itsines BBG course that will take up four months of my time, I should do something similar on the short-term. I have purchased this Inner Sparkle course on the 3rd of May 2012 and two years on, the course still sits at the back of my head and I am going to change that by stop procrastinating! I will start doing it from tomorrow on at my own time and pace and hopefully, get to unleash the inner sparklepants in me real soon.

I admit this was a long time coming but as the saying goes,

“Better late than never.”

Start to be Great

Here’s hoping for a great success in my new adventure to change myself and motivate myself for the better.

🙂

26th!

As I write the lines for this post, we are inching closer to the fasting month and also, my birthday month. As most of my friends already know, I always set up dares / challenges on the days leading up to my birthday to challenge myself out of my comfort zone ever since I was 15. In all honesty, I have not completed my 25th birthday challenge as aside from being swamped with work and family, I have yet to overcome the trypanophobia that I have. Nevetheless, I look forward to seeing my skin get pierced and blood extracted (hopefully real soon!) and complete that mission to donate blood.

On another note, I have decided to attempt a whole new set of goals for 26th birthday and that is to purchase and complete the entire 4 month long program from Kayla Itsines ‘s (@kaylaitsines) cool Bikini Body Guide program!

Image

http://www.kaylaitsines.com.au/bikini-body-guides/bikini-body-training-guide

I guess every since my recurring ankle injury two years ago, I have been more conscious of the efforts that I put in for my health and fitness and this would be a good transition and goal to commit to for the long-run. Another motivation that I have is my late father, I don’t want to go through what he went through during his life as I know it was a tough way to survive with bone and blood cancer raging all of your insides. It is painful and if there is a way that I can care for my body now and nourish it with the best nutrients that I can find, I would do exactly that. My action to be lean and healthy doesn’t stemmed from vanity. My motivation to change for the better is the result of seeing how the remaining years of our lives can be shortened just because we don’t take active steps to lead a healthier life when we are at our prime.

Here’s hoping for greater things to come and an even healthier, leaner me to see in the next few months!

XX

Nuevo Capítulo

3 Paths

June is the middle of the year and I am gearing up for a fresh start in a completely new industry; hospitality. I will be fronting as a concierge with a locally-owned, globally-renowned hotel and resort giant and I am ecstatic to know the prospects that lies ahead of me in my new endeavor.

It will be something completely different than F&B, fashion and sales but it definitely holds a lot of promise since I spent 3 years of my life studying about it and it’s high time that I go back to my hospitality roots. It may be a fresh start at a risky age but I hope in the coming months, I will be able to find greater joy and satisfaction in comparison to all the previous exposures I’ve had in all the industries that I came from.

The best part? Office environment with proper office hours and weekends off. 🙂 Here’s hoping that there are greater things to hope for in the coming months. I pray for the best adventure, as always. Hope everyone is having a splashing good time midway through the year!

XX

Forever with You

It may come as a surprise to most of you that I am in a serious relationship with a bloke many years my junior. I hear rumors too that my intention to marry late is because of the need to adapt to a young (future) husband who is not yet matured enough financially to take care of me. In all honesty, finances is a big deal to me as I have been independent since 15 when I got my first ever mobile line. (Trust me, back then I felt like I was already an adult responsible for all my phone bills.) However, the reason why I chose to only settle when I am 30 or so is not because of the finances. I am more than happy to provide for myself and the family when the need arises.

I am thankful I have a wonderful man in my life who understands me and my 1001 personalities and still love me dearly. (I love you too boo.) I do have my doubts when I get ridiculed (sometimes) by people who calls me cougar and cradle-snatcher but for Pete’s sake, I am only 3 years his senior and in no way am I a cradle-snatcher. I am not like 40 and dating a 20 year old man!

I was reading a blog that I follow on WP that led me to this article by a fellow blogger. I read it and can’t help but smile at my worry of being able to fit into the norms of society when I am meant to stand out. Her views on older women marrying younger men was validated by the teachings of Islam.

Our Prophet (SAW) himself married a far older woman Khadijah (RA). Read her article only with an open mind as with a closed mind, there’s only so much that you allow your heart and mind to see:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/splitthemoon/2014/04/give-muhammad-a-chance/

I’m sticking to my guns. I will marry you when I am 30 and when you’re 27 honey. I am not intending to settle with anyone else and that’s final. You can propose earlier if your finances are right but till then, I don’t mind waiting it out for a lifetime with you boo. Insha Allah He will protect us and our union till that day we are Man and Wife.

🙂

The End of a February Nightmare

I admit that I have been immensely involved in work the last few months that I have been quiet online. Aside from having a new phone and having Instagram ( @ellyzselamat ) as a part of enlarging my scope of social network, I have been one too busy to write down the thoughts that have been omnipresent somewhere in the regions of my brain.

I have been lucky to be able to seek solace in reading. Presently I am reading a memoir of a breast-cancer survivor and it hadn’t been an easy book to read given that her life experiences veer real close to what I have been going through the many, many years ago before Daddy turned his light off on the dawn of 17th July 2013.

Papa, I miss you terribly and though everyone says or thinks that I am doing well, I admit that I am only human. Trust me, there are horrific days that I wake up thinking of how you left me and the topsy-turvy emotions that I feel every now and then. It feels as though I am battling some mental disorder of sorts. Psychosis or something? I genuinely hope not.

Anyway, I hope this would be a good start to writing online all over again and may this writing never fail in bringing out the words and the grief in me that I keep locked inside.

Here’s wishing one and all a beautiful day wherever you are, xoxo

2013 in Review for LBV!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 8,500 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.