10 Days On.

Suffering

‘Cos days zoom by and they bring me one day away from the day that Daddy went to be with the Lord but that isn’t to say that it makes the fateful day a little more hazier than the last. Sometimes, we think we are ready to face certain things but sometimes, we are best left to go through them without knowing what tomorrow has in-store for us. Death is like that; at least that’s what it feels like to me.

I go on a day-to-day motion of filling up my waking hours with activities to avoid getting lost in my own thoughts too often. But when I reach my bed and want to retire for the night, I find myself being kept awake with mindless thoughts; of daddy, of mummy, of life and of everything. I can’t seemed to find a time whereby my brain will be able to switch off the thought processes even if I am already mad tired from the day’s activities.

With love being away in Taiwan for the bulk of Ramadan equates to me coping with grief alone; albeit physically. It’s undeniably painful to go through the loss of a loved one but with each death that I face, I feel that there’s always God to turn to when the going gets tough. I haven’t been a good Muslim despite visiting Makam Habib Noh for some spiritual lift every once a while but when the Ramadan for this year came, I decided to pray and give thanks to God at least twice a day. I didn’t know what spurred me to prostrate to God but I do know that partly the reason was to pre-empt me for what challenge He had lying ahead of me in the days into Ramadan.

I lost grandma in 2009, 5 days into Ramadan and this year, in some twisted statistic, I lost my dearest father 8 days into Ramadan. They say, the people who depart Earth in this holy month are the “special” ones so as much as losing dad is painful, I can seek some consolation that he went on a very holy month. I guess time will heal all wound but this wound of mine will take far longer than any wound that I’ve ever had thus far.

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Her One & Only.

Mama & Papa

They had three wonderful kids together.

They build a house so full of love, many were jealous that they were so happy.

Even when they past their prime, they never stopped holding hands whether in private or in public.

They kissed each others’ cheeks at sporadic times that I only managed to glimpse it twice in the 25 years of my life.

The had a rock-solid marriage that sailed through the turbulent infancy of their marriage and lasted till one breathed his final breath.

They were each other’s twin; one can complete the thought of another.

They were there for each other;

Through good times & bad,

In sickness & good health

&

Even now when death did them part.

They’ve been married for 38 odd years.

Best friends for 40 odd years.

Each other’s worst of enemies in school.

Each other’s first, true & forever love.

Neighbors since they were little kids.

I can only imagine the huge black void that mama has in her heart now that her soulmate has answered the call of God behind the Heavenly Gates.

Stay strong mama, I know we can go through this together.

You’ve got your three kids and a network of comforting shoulders from your siblings, nieces & nephews there for you to help you get through this.

Insha Allah.

Tears For A Father

Sometimes I don’t know but have this sad, sorrow feeling when I see Daddy coming into my room to tell me that there’s a certain part of his body that’s numb or maybe his tooth / gums ache for no apparent reason, or when he feels “restless” and “out of place” or maybe the sporadic fever that almost always sends shivers down my spine.

Actually the list can go on but the more I ponder about them, the more I find my eyes stinging and weighing heavily with tears that flow so darn easily, I think that I no longer have control of my tears especially when he is of the concern.

I know being riddled with many ailments is a part of his myeloma but sometimes there’s so much more that I wish I can do to aid him. Maybe shoulder the burden? Or perhaps, feel a portion of the pain for him? Or perhaps by some miracle, he gets better to how things were before myeloma struck him a few years back.

You know there’s always that feeling that if God can grant me just one wish, I want to be the sick and suffering one, not my parents as I’ll give up my life just for them.

But sometimes I do worry too if he wakes up one morning and decide he doesn’t want to eat another round of 10 medications for his oral chemotherapy or decide to quit fighting all together… What happens then? God, I know this is just a part of Your test for him but do protect him while You are at it. It hurts a lot seeing him like this on a day-to-day basis. Thank God Mum is there for him when I am not home.

Don’t ever give up Daddy, and for you Mummy, hang in there. I can’t exactly imagine a life without the both of you.

I’m sure somewhere out there, God has His Rewards waiting for you both and in the long-run, you both will be granted Paradise when this world comes to an end. My life-long wish stays, I want my parents to see me settle down with my chosen one, at the very least. Ideally, would be to see their first grand-child borne by my future husband and I – that’s the farthest distant future I’ve always dreamed of.

It’s only time that we are fighting for, God please let time be on our side.

Somebody That I Used to Know

“You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over”

 

Somebody that I Used to Know
by
Gotye featuring Kimbra

Dedication to the bouncit douchebag.

My Greatest Blessings,

Komi Martian:
For being the longest BFF in the world. You weren’t always there-there 24/7 but during my most terrible of days, you were there. We can’t be more different from each other, remember we started out as total enemies? Haha, those were the good days and even our tastes in boys are exceptionally poles apart. No matter the difference, I still love you no less babe. From 2001 till date.

Rajan Chandra:
For being the good friend turned pen pal. I’ve known you as long as I’ve known Komi but considering that we are approximately 1500 miles away from each other, it’s amazing to know you still remember my birthday and still make the effort to fly back to this tiny island twice in the last two years. Soon enough, I’ll move my ass over to Bondi beach, promise.

HobiBelanja Maris Stella Djuli:
I’ve known you since 2005 and although you’ve made your journey back to Medan to start a family, not a day goes by without me thinking about our many many dates together. Whether it was to the movies, for a round of drinks, for another pair of C&K shoes or Mel bag, a chocolate buffet, hang out at each other’s cribs; basically the only things girlfriends do when they know and don’t judge each other beyond our superficial talk. When Grams passed away, you were with me through her passing even though you were having classes and also I was half of the person I am now, you never stopped being my shoulder to cry on. We’ve not met since your wedding in 2010 but hopefully, we’ll meet up soon enough and I’ll get to meet the other man in your life, Edmund ūüôā

Edward Reaus Cullen / Hubby #1:
You were prolly the one who shaped me into the extrovert person I am now. You convinced me enough to dump my glasses for contact lenses and look where I am now? You’ve instilled enough confidence in me that you can be a life coach as your zest for life is immensely intoxicating. Your thoughts moved me in McDonald’s, your texts added the smiles to my life and our dates are always full of sentimental memories we both won’t give up the world for. You changed my 2010 days with Mac’s & even till date, I never regretted making that cup of hot milo for you (which resulted in you getting into an argument with your then lover who went on a jealous rage!) During my break-ups, you were there, pulling me together and ensuring I didn’t fall further apart. You gave me strength when I found out the ex was a douchebag and you were on my side when he appeared with a comeback. I love you lah, you are like my biggest supporter, thank you sweets.

Darling Sunshine Izwan Hubby bi BOO:
Who knew the one person I always, always confide in when it comes to good-looking customers walking in-store turns out to be the one man I am totally head over heels in love with? Only God knows what changed me to turn you from a mere acquaintance in the same company to the man I hope to build a future with. It’s amazing how two years ago, you were seen in a different light and two years on, I can’t quite imagine waking up one morning without you in it. Maybe because by God’s grace, he pushed you to want to be there for me when Daddy was hospitalised for a month. Maybe that one month changed alot about my perception of you. After all, you were there every single day. When Daddy wasn’t conscious, to when I was falling apart by his bedside, when I had to be Mummy’s strength; you were my backbone, holding my hand steering me forward and ensuring that I don’t fall on my already-wobbly feet. I can’t imagine what it would be without you there, after all, back then, you were just a friend to me. I guess that episode made me realised many things; that life is fragile, that when you see something this special, you don’t let them go. Thank you dear, for yesterday today and also for tomorrow. Four lifetimes remember? ūüėČ

*

God, thank you for these blessings I would give up my life for.

What If

Sometimes I tend to have one of those nights whereby I go into deep reflective thoughts. Truthfully, I hate it the most when that happens solely because it will result in me having those quiet stoning moments whereby my thoughts are zooming by at lightning speed and I have no single idea that’s making concerete sense in the head. The worst part is that it’ll go on and on forever till I get too tired and fall asleep.

Some people call it writer’s block, I call it deja vu. I had one just awhile back when hubs sent me off and I honestly could picture the whole scene playing back in my mind a split-second before it all happen. What do you call that?

Strangely enough, I know I have this particular song by Jason Derulo that is somehow the song that my head is playing on repeat. Maybe that’s another sign?

On top of that, I just realised I didn’t have a proper dinner so that prolly added on to the weariness and deep thoughts. It’s freaking 0252 hours already, dafuq.!

 

Playing With Fire

‘Cos I need to stop dabbling my fingers in the fire unless I yearn to get burned again.

But how does one do exactly that when the temptation is all too great to handle?

Today, it was a round yellow knotted ring which stopped me from doing something impulsive.

How about tomorrow?

Will the novelty of it wears of and if it does, what’s there to keep me from veering over the fence?

Radical Thoughts of a Happy Mind

  1. You know it’s insanely crazy when you go to work one day and left your ring behind and you’ve got this sinking feeling that you somewhat left your heart behind the door.
  2. You know it’s funny when you see a cute customer flirting with you over the counter at Drive-Thru and you only muster your sweetest smile to him but know firmly where your loyalty lies with at the end of the night.
  3. You know it’s weird when you can’t recall what it was like when you went out with him as pure platonic friends even before you both decided to start dating.
  4. You know it’s madness when the Medical Social Worker at the hospital thinks he’s your husband and thereafter, almost everything we converse to each other about is just termed with a Hubby & a Wifey; whether it’s a text message, a phone call, a spoken word or even an endearing gesture.
  5. You know you are ludicrous when the aunty at a coffee shop commented about the dear paying for my meal and calling him a boyfriend and how you both aren’t quite as used to the term as compared to addressing him as the hubby.
  6. You know you are out of your mind when after a chanced encounter before you parted ways for the night, you envision the same encounter Bella Swan had the morning after her wedding night. Yes, that finger running across your neck as you recalled that’s where he planted a soft kiss, the brush of his arm as he pulled you close & so forth.
  7. You know you are beyond sane when despite being polar opposites in everything, when you both dine out, you both always end up taking the same food items and drinks. Always, all the time.
  8. You know that it’s wicked when you both knows when the other party is doing too well. It’s like a feeling deep inside our hearts, we are somewhat in-tuned to each other’s feelings that when one of us is having a terrible day at work, the other party knows even without asking. Our hearts feels things our minds don’t and can’t.
  9. You know it’s virtually mind-boggling when you drive the car and get tired, you have the option to switch over to the passenger as the hubby is a driver too. It’s even crazier when you actually have the deja vu feeling over and over each time that happens.
  10. You know you are on the brink of a crazed state of mind when you find yourself being reminded of him constantly even when you don’t put up his face as your wallpaper and so forth. You keep craving for his scent, your miss his morning bedroom voice, you yearn to gaze upon those precious brown eyes and charming smile which sets your heart ablaze.

Sometimes I think love is capable of making you think, do, imagine, feel crazy things & I am a true testament to that;

Not that I’m complaining.

ūüôā

Goodbye Bear, Hello Sunshine

I was browsing through the web and I came across a rather bemusing quote which I ought to share in my WP:

¬†I noticed that as much as I am very happy where I am now, I keep finding myself wanting to check the ex’s FB to see who is the girl after me to the point that I’ve reached a stalker stage that I had to stop myself short.

I mean, it wouldn’t be fair to Sunshine to hear me whining about my findings right? I’ve decided to leave all the whining to Hubby whose seen the ex with me through our good and bad times so I inadvertently cut all my connections to the ex in What’sApp, FourSquare and in the future, Facebook.

I’m not checking up on him as I am thinking of going back to him. I am just fascinated that therein lies a man who actually says no to me after a year of supposedly loving me. I’m just amazed by how fickle sometimes love can be.

Like the saying, one man’s meat is another man’s poison.

I’m not gunned down by the fact that he’s seeing someone new; neither am I comparing with the current sunny state of my love. Given a choice, I wished I met Sunshine way before my numerous heartbreaks as at least that’ll mean that I spent more of my time smiling and being in blissful state like now as compared to spending it wallowing in sorrow or anger.

So yes, the ex was the first man to dump me.

Wow, congratulations to that Mister for having the guts but really, you could’ve honestly done in in a better fashion rather than walking away and feigning contact with me as I smell cowardice in you somehow.¬† But whatever it is, I still wish you well and when I look back at the quote in this post, I can’t help but agree. He is an old item, I should just cast him far, far away and let someone less perfect than me take ownership of him.

After all, he is just a bunch of crap not worthy of my time nor love.

The next one is for you, boy. You left, your loss. I’m going to make it Sunshine’s gain.

I’m happy to announce that from this moment on, I shan’t post anything more with regards to my past. I am getting bored of brooding over a bear who doesn’t deserve me.

Look out for sappy, mushy, sticky, lovey-dovey posts about Sunshine which is all over my FourSquare & What’sApp. He’s all about positivity, baby!

Heh ūüôā

Every Breath, One Step Closer

Hubby says he admires my strength and gut to bounce back up in my love life after the tragic episode about a month back. He says I’ve got strength that belies my sensitive and somewhat temperamental nature and granted he was in my shoes, he won’t have half the guts that I have to want to open up my heart all over again to another man.

But honey, truth is, I am not all that strong as you may think I am.

I may not cry in front of a crowd, instead, I cry in the comforts of my humble abode whereby my cries of anguish are muffled by the songs on my stereo.

I may say everything is okaye in front of you but each time you leave me to continue with your own life, I feel everything isn’t quite okaye with mine when my backbone and support aren’t there.

I may say I am going to be good walking away but sometimes I don’t quite believe what I say to people about moving on and the words of nonchalant positivity that I interject my every negative thought.

But then again when one goes through heartbreaks, most people actually want to relive the same bittersweet crap all over again. Not because we are sadistic souls and want to punish our already-torn hearts with even greater risks of bigger heartbreaks. Simply, we as humans have a natural affinity to feelings and even if one person has completely wipe out their love for you, it doesn’t mean that we have to completely wipe out our capabilities to love another deserving man, right? Hence hubby dear, it wasn’t that I bounced off the last love chapter to make it better with Sunshine.

No.

And definitely it isn’t a rebound either.

Sure, people may say I fall in love equally as fast as I fall out of love but why should I harp over the past, reminiscing about the old times when I know I have something worthy of for the future? Sometimes, it may be my ego talking but you know, a little bit of ego never hurt anyone; not especially me.

What I have now is profoundly different from my past relationships that most times, I am enjoying the minute details of the love with extreme caution as I fear losing out on this love and losing him entirely. Truthfully, I’ve never felt or even experienced this kind of love before. I want to think about the future but thinking about forever wrecks my mindset for today. With Sunshine, I’ve banished that eagerness to plan ahead for the distant future. Instead, I want to plan the love on a day-to-day basis with each passing month and year being the milestone that is worth every penny in my pocket. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so greatly that no time nor space nor virtually anything can separate us.

Why am I so adamant on loving this one man despite knowing how unstable the future may be?

When the heart knows if he’s the One, there’s this element of sheer peace you feel in the deepest of your heart that like most people who married their soul mates say;

“You’ll just know he’s the one.”

‘Cos when the sheer peace shrouds your heart, your mind, your body and soul, you’ll feel this overwhelming feeling of happiness that comes in abundance and you know, it is here to stay.

He Bears Witness To Everything

“One day someone’s gonna walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

*

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, contemplating about the what ifs in life. Other times, I rubbish my negative thoughts with positivity on why things didn’t turn up the way I want them to. Nowadays, I contemplate about what life would be like if I were to take one step back earlier and consider falling for someone who gave the world to me approximately a year back. Sometimes I regret being as self-absorbed as how I am now, considering that I have a man walked out on me because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I am a self-centred being who cares about nobody but herself.

But there are times I am thankful he walked out on me as if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be in a healthy relationship now that makes me believe that there still are people who still are willing to go through thick and thin with me and see me in my nonsensical self and also, at my greatest, worst.

If he hadn’t walked out, I wouldn’t be able to see how many of my friends are actually there for me through my darkest hours, who willingly sacrificed their sleep time just to hear me whine about another tragic chapter in a old flame that I was trying to get over.

Losing a love was ultimately a great price to pay but considering the advantages and happiness I feel now, I should consider myself lucky since as much as I was the dumped party (partly I feel that way since he hadn’t contacted me ever since), I walked out of the relationship with my pride still intact and held up high.

What I am going through with Sunshine now is very much in its infancy. As much as Hubby is psycho-ing me to move beyond what I have now with Sunshine a step further, I choose to stand my ground and only go ahead when Sunshine and I are ready. I want to know what it’s like to love someone without getting entangled in the physical aspect as I want this to last.

More than anything and everything I’ve gone through previously, I want to make this my greatest love story of all. I know the future is somewhat vague considering the settling down part will take slightly more than 5 years but if he’s worth it and vice versa, I’m sure the wait will be worth it.

Dear God,
Grant me the patience to last through the next five years or so waiting for the man of my dreams.
Grant me the will to stay strong throughout the numerous obstacles you have in-store for us.
For if I were to want to submit my entire heart, soul and being to only one man,
I wish and hopefully desire, it would be him.

‚ô•

Down the Gutter

Sometimes you make a decision and then a few days later you ponder whether you’ve made an ill-informed decision. You mull over it for days, consulting in all your closest friends to ask whether you’ve done the right thing or not. The decisive ones stood their ground while the sympathetic ones offer to give you alternative reasons to stick to your decision and the consequences if you don’t. You even lose sleep about the decision, wondering if choosing what you chose would be a big mistake.

What do you call that?

Today I find out, what holds you back from sticking to your guns in some of our lives’ decision is actually the devil called, doubt.

If ever, I am at this same page whereby I mull over a decision for long, I won’t make the mistake of taking as long as I did now.

‘Cos I realized tonight that in life, one should never leave room for doubt as it’ll only leave you with more room to cloud your first judgment which (whether you hate it or not) is always never wrong. Life as we know it, isn’t rosy. Nobody mentioned it was. But nobody ever mentioned that when we are presented with an option to choose between the best of two options, always go by your gut feeling. As much as you loathe the process of choosing something less easy but feels more right, you’ll never go wrong.

As at the end of the day, nobody knows you more than yourself than God;
and he lies within that “gut feeling” of ours if we reach a point of no absolution.

Thank you God, tonight you’ve proven to me that I’ve made no mistake in following my gut feeling. I found out the complete truth and as much as it may hurt me for awhile now, I know the hurt isn’t comparable to if I defy my gut feeling and change my mind.

He may deny that there wasn’t any woman in his life to have him walk out on me like that but no matter how hard he tries, ultimately, God will show you that your words are just a bunch of bull. You are a coward, refusing to admit there was another woman in your life, instead choosing to leave me hanging. Like what TH mentioned, you were “keeping your options opened” but little did I know, your options actually resulted in me finding out your biggest flaw ever; that you may be big and tower over me in height but you have no balls to match with my honesty ‘cos you prefer to seek shelter in a sheet of translucent lie instead of dealing me with the brutal truth. I may cry buckets wondering what went wrong in our relationship but I now, don’t wonder anymore.

‘Cos as much as I am the most difficult person on earth to love, I never did misplaced the trust you had in me. Plus, even though I am a woman, I dare say I am a better equal to you as at least I am willing to pour my entire heart out knowing at the end of the day, you may trample over them with your big feet. I was honest from day one until the end, unlike you. I’m not bitter anymore, some things in life need not be reasoned or answered on the spot. The answers just reveal themselves little by little each passing day. All you have to do is to, wait. I may have wasted a few tears and sleepless night and time crying over what was lost but I’m crying no more.

‘Cos I’ve found the closure that I need and I need not seek revenge to blast back at you.
I know He will do that for me, I trust Him completely and thank Him eternally for gifting me with the mind, body and soul of the person I am now.

Thank You O Lord,
You indeed never failed to be my Saviour.

To You Both, With Love

As I was mourning the loss of a love and the dearth of a friendship, God dealt me a greater pain to deal with. He took my darling baby Jammies along with Him. Perhaps it was God’s way of telling me to focus the emotional and psychological pain I was going through in the form of physically seeing death.

Truthfully, to be dealt with two blows in one fateful morning was enough to drive me to my grave but I am eternally grateful GA & TH were there for me as I can’t imagine how I would be without them and their soothing words of motivation and also, GA’s shoulder to cry on.

Maybe like what they say, He knows best. He knows He challenges His people who are strong enough to go through life’s hurdles and make sure mortals like us take away the lessons from the pain of going through hardships. I daresay that fateful morning that BB turned his back on me along with the passing of Jammies all in one morning came to me as a huge shock that I couldn’t sleep a wink even though I was working graveyard later on that night. I lasted beyond 24 hours without sleeping and even through I felt emotionally drained and mentally beaten, I had two angels telling me to press on and not admit defeat. I was in complete shambles; totally felt as though I was going to die a miserable death and granted, all I wanted was to dig the soil in the lawn and bury myself alive as physical plus emotional plus psychological pain in one shot was growing too painful to bear.

But little did I know that despite going through one of the lowest points in my life, I have people who still picked me up and made sure I was back on my feet as quickly as I could. Sure, I tripped and fell and got some bruises going thorough this particular hardship but does anybody know how it impacted my life the next morning?

Only God knows as in my darkest  weakest of day and night, He granted me light in Guardian Angel & love in Tubby Hubby. I am still missing you Jammies and burying you was the most painful thing I had to go through after a near two-year affair with you being my companion throughout my loneliest of nights. But your death also helped me to close a chapter in my love story as when I buried you deep within the burnt soil in the lawn, I buried the memory of a boy who cease to exist in my memory.

Thank You God for taking Jammies, I know now that You love him more than I do.
But at the same time, I know You love me enough to teach me to bury the past along with Jammies & from that moment on, move on with my life and not waste another second crying for a man not worthy of my tears.

Rest in Peace Joe Jambul,
Thank you for being my sweet surrender.

Rest in Peace Big Bear,
Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is all about.